A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a difficult situation and not sure what to doI have been with my partner nearly 18 months. He has two kids and i have none. I love him but just lately i have had my doubts...We both can be jealous. He gets more jealous when he has had a drink and we are out in the town at the local bars. He seems to get a hump on him and ignores me, sometimes if he perceives i have been too friendly with another guy he will ignore me and start looking round the bar at other women.Another example, he gives me the silent treatment if he is pissed off about something.Saturday I asked him something he didn't want to talk about, so he got mad and shouted at me. When i shouted back at him, he got up and walked out. We were due to go to a party that evening and I said, "aren't you coming to the party now?" and he said "no fck off". I decided that I'd done nothing wrong so I left him to it and got ready to go out without him. Usually I would have rung him/possibly chased after him to beg him to come with me, but for some reason I just didn't this time.Well later on he sent me a text saying "i take it your not bothered if I come or not" and I didn't answer it straight away and he rung. When I didn't answer his call, within in 10 mins he'd let himself into my flat. He was gobsmacked when he saw me all dressed up to go out and was mortified, saying "i can't believe you were going to go out without me" and saying that I had let him down badly and that he felt insecure now.Later on jokingly, he said something along the lines of "he didn't feel in control" and that he'd have to think of another method!! Later that night we were stood near the dancefloor and he never made eye contact with me or come near me to talk - like as though he was stood on his own! when I confronted him about it later, he reckoned that he didn't know he'd done it and said "anymore complaints about me?"This is not the first incident with him. I used to be really needy, but I have started to see a CBT therapist and now feel more confident. Last week he said to me that I don't care whether he gives me affection or not lately (it's always when he wants affection) and I said because I'm feeling more secure now and he said something about i'm being cold because I'm over confident!! this week I get the impression that he is being cold with me, almost like he is playing mind games.He will be emotionally and affectionately distant with me all week, and as soon as he knows we are going to be having his kids for the weekend, he will go out of his way to be overly affectionate with me to get me in a good mood and so there isn't a bad atmostphere around his kids.I am due to go out with him this weekend with the kids, but I can't bear to go because all week he has been very distant, even when I've tried to hug him all I've got back is a very weak response and I know that it will rip me apart to see how loving he can be with his kids. I don't want to leave him because we have a lot of other good things going for us in the relationship, but I just want to know how to deal with these "games". So far this week I have carried on as if I haven't noticed he's been distant, but it's getting very hard not to let it get me down.Help.
View related questions:
insecure, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, thanks for the replies.We sometimes generally tend to talk things over when there is a problem, but when it comes to him being insecure it's like he really hates to admit that he is so would rather be passive agressive about it then be honest.He sees it as a sign of weakness to be insecure.I don't flirt or give any signs that I am interested in anyone else but he reckons it makes him insecure when i am looking sexy when we are out.I personally hate bars and clubbing nightlife. I would much rather go out for a meal, but my partner enjoys going out to the bars, so every now and again I go with him. The reason he likes it and I don't is because I have been single a long time prior to meeting him and he was in a long relationship with kids and very rarely actually went out much.I hope this doesn't mean that we are doomed. as I said before, there a lot of good things in our relationship - we work as a team sharing household chores, do lots of great things together and have fun. It's just these 'silent' treatment episodes that have me fearful.Also other people are saying to me that I should "run" not walk in the other direction as he is controlling me by going sulky when he doesn't get his own way.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 It sounds like you both have issues with communication in telling one another that their actions bother you. If you are doing something that he doesn't like in bars, then he should politely ask you not to do that, instead of letting it torment him to the point where he cusses at you.If this is the way you, as a couple, deal with issues, this is a red flag and something that needs to be addressed. As you continue this relationship, you'll undoubtedly have more issues that need to be talked about openly and honestly and without resentment. Perhaps he is not mature enough or lacks the skills to communicate his needs / concerns when dealing with disagreements. When he recovers, I think you'll need to sit down with him and explain that you need to work on communicating, especially when you disagree on something. The silent treatment that he is giving you isn't conducive for solving your problems.Finally, one of my rules is that virtually nothing good comes from alcohol. You may want to find other avenues of entertainment between the two of you other than going to the local pub where people are trying to get laid, inhibitions are lower, and the music is loud (and people are agitated). This usually causes nothing but troubles and from the sounds of it, was the initiator to your post here.Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Whatever response he's after from you when he plays a mind game- just do the opposite to what you used to do... or better yet, just ignore him. He's so used to playing these games because they used to work, but now he has to learn the hard way that you're not going to play ball.
...............................
|
