A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently living away from home in the UK, sharing a flat with three others. Unfortunately, due to the coronavirus lockdown two of them have gone to live with their friends nearby a couple of months ago, so it's just me and a male flatmate whom I have been living with since last autumn.To cut a long story short, he clearly has a thing for Asian girls (I'm Asian). He's English, but constantly goes on about how much he loves Asian culture and wants to travel to Asia, his Facebook page is full of anime Asian girls, and he has said degrading and hateful things in the past about Asian guys, to the point I've had to call him out on it. He has said weird things about me in the past, like randomly staring at me and saying much I remind him of a Chinese girl at his workplace appearance wise (I am not Chinese and look nothing like it, being more South East Asian). He's also, to be honest, incredibly socially awkward and rude sometimes (he once borderline shouted at me for taking up too much space in my own drainer, and I had to really take him down a peg on that) doesn't have many friends and is quite clingy and nosy. He's in his late thirties but works in retail and was talking about moving back with his parents after our contract expires in August.Because of the recent lockdown and my job here, I can't go home easily (my family lives hundreds of miles further south). This means I've been stuck in an apartment with someone whom I've never gotten along with all that well, but been civil to for the sake of flat sharing. Unfortunately, our other two flatmates moving out and having to stay in with him has made him incredibly creepy and awful to deal with.He's started coming into the kitchen whenever I'm using it (which isn't at the same time every day, so it's not like he just happens to be in there, but I can guarantee that, if I go in and start playing music off my phone and like to do when cooking, he will magically appear, start fiddling with things and start asking a million questions). He can be incredibly rude too, and say things like "Good!" when he asks if the oven's on so he can put something inside too. Most importantly, he'll also sometimes make weird sexual remarks - for example, I lightly commented on what he was having for dinner (it was a lot of chicken and nothing else) a few weeks ago and he said "Mmm, chicken BREASTS! I love breasts!" and then walked out. I was too shocked to reply. He also sometimes outright stares at me in the kitchen which freaks me out, and won't social distance and just generally gets in my personal space. He's acquainted with some girls I know from work which I was unaware of. They were incredibly surprised to find out he was my flatmate a few weeks ago. Apparently, he had been messaging one of them (who has a boyfriend) on Facebook, saying that he was all alone in his flat drinking wine, feeling lonely, she was so nice etc. The girls were trying to gloss it over to be polite, but judging from what one of them hinted at he had been incredibly creepy.I was playing some music on my phone the other day when he came in and started commenting on it, I said that one of the guys I'm dating had recommended it to me (it was very alternative music). He almost jumped at me mentioning a guy I was dating before leaving shortly after and sarcastically saying "How interesting". When I heard him come into the flat after work the next day, he was muttering to himself angrily, repeating almost word for word what I had said in a mocking way. "Ohhhh, I'm seeing someone who recommended me this music!" To be honest, I'm not sure if he has Aspergers' or something as there is clearly something off about the way he behaves, but that doesn't necessarily excuse his actions.I am up here for work and can't financially afford to lose my job. However, I'm genuinely creeped out by this guy as well. Due to British law, I can't even have friends or guys I'm dating round to scare him off during lockdown, but I don't want to be bullied by him into moving out to stay with a friend either. I did get on well with the other two flatmates, but we aren't a particularly close flat TBH so I have no way of contacting them and I'm not sure if it would help either.What should I do? Contact the landlord? Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (19 May 2020):
Although it's not your problem, it might help to keep at the back of your mind that your flatmate is probably feeling lonely and isolated at the moment. Also he is probably living a fantasy "trapped" in a house with a female he sees as his "type".
Often in life it's not what is said but who says it that has an effect on people. If he was your "type" and had better social skills, you would probably not react as harshly to his comments. What guy hasn't joked about breasts in an OTT way for crying out loud? It's what guys do. You seem to be looking for reasons to be offended by him where no offence is intended. His compliments are backhanded. So what? Can you not simply ignore them?
I understand you don't feel comfortable around him but it is his home as much as yours. Yes, he sounds socially awkward and like he fails to read or take note of body language or subtle hints. Perhaps a more direct and less subtle approach might help the situation. Ask him if he'd like to use the kitchen first as you like to have your own space when cooking. That way you are being polite, offering him use of the facilities first while making the point you don't want him there when you are cooking.
Not a lot you can do at the moment except your best. Accept he is probably doing his best too even if it falls short of your standards. Hang in there. It won't be forever.
A
female
reader, hilary +, writes (19 May 2020):
 I feel sorry for you but the problem is caused partly by you being in this situation due to the lock down, and this guy being immature, weird (sounds like aspergers to me) but also made worse by you not being clear and assertive with this guy. When he comes into the kitchen to talk twaddle, make weird remarks, ask questions etc you can wear your headphones and just nod and smile at him but refusing to speak to him. Only speaking if and when it suits you. You can demand that you do what you are doing in peace and he return in an hour when you are done.
There is no point to having a go at him if he says sexual or racial remarks, he can think and say what he wants, you are not his mother or some sort of censor who can dictate to him. And the more you react to it the more he will get what he wants - interaction with you. Far better to pretend you did not hear it or do not care and this saves you another chat with him.
He is clearly very lonely and fancies you but that his his problem not yours. If you do want to talk to him tell him things which are boring or which might put him off of you, not things that would encourage him.
He sounds like the sort of guy who wants a young good looking, sexy woman but is not interested in how she feels or thinks, one reason he is single. And a potential stalker.
During this lock down there are loads of people who are shut up at home all alone, desperate for someone to talk to and interact with. Some of them compromise by going online and chatting in chat rooms. Why not get into a good book or chat there instead of being where he can come and monopolise you? Count the days off until life is back to normal.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (19 May 2020):
 First of all, I feel badly for you. This isn't a great situation to have to be in and sadly atm there isn't much you can do about it except try to deal with it since much of the world is in lockdown. I've had rotten room mates before and it can be very stressful.
I think that you should not be afraid to speak up when he does something that you don't like or makes you uncomfortable but I advise you to use tact and refrain from "going off" on him. I say that because you really don't want to turn an uncomfortable situation into a hostile situation. You really don't know the guy all that well and if he gets pissed off who knows what the hell he might do just to be a jerk. I'm not trying to scare you just advising.
I'd be polite but cool and walk around with my headset on all the time. Most people will get the hint that you don't want to talk. If he comes out and you really don't want the company just say "oh I'm sorry..can you wait please? I'll be done in just a few" or something to that effect.
I lived for a year with 2 room mates that I honestly grew to dislike immensely (a mom and her 16 year old son). It started out friendly but the son started to steal from my room and I could not lock the room when I was gone. We got to the point where we left notes and NEVER spoke. The mother was kind of an idiot and I never told her why I suddenly became cold and distant because I don't think she would have believed me that her son was stealing from my room when I was working. I'm talking about Game Cd's, a cell phone...money.
I was never so relieved to move away from them! So hang in there and as soon as possible get out of that situation. Don't promote extra friendliness if you really don't feel it either don't let him think that sometimes you want to talk if you don't.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2020): OP, having read your post, I have great confidence, that you are woman enough to meet the challenge posed by this difficult flatmate! Wise Owl gave you excellent advice. I would add that you should make a log of each and every offensive incident be it reckless eyeballing you, sexually explicit remarks, inappropriate inuendo, improper racial comments or slurs, sexist statements, or following you around after you warn him to back off. If you gather a significant list, speaking to the landlord may be helpful, if the landlord will warn him to give you space, but he needs to keep enough distance that you will no longer feel uncomfortable and creeped out. Never hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe, or if he makes a threat, sexual or otherwise! Be sure to be properly covered in common areas of the flat and always lock your door, to sleep. Best wishes OP, and stay healthy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2020):
 Head phones or earbuds!
You can listen to music all you want and not really HAVE to interact if you don't want to.
Your landlord can't do anything because your room-mate ISN'T doing anything besides being weird. Yes, it can absolutely be that he is on the spectrum, he sure acts like it. But he is also bored, lonely, with non existent social skills living with a girl who is the "type" he is currently fascinated with.
And as a random British guy can't always tell where an Asian person is from, so him thinking you looked like a Chinese girl at work was (in his backwards manner) a "compliment" to you. She is cute and Asian, you are cute and Asian (in his mind). However, IF he starts on some topic you wish not to discuss, just TELL him. IF he is being inappropriate, tell him. Though the joke with chicken breasts was just that... a joke. Lousy joke, but none the less... nothing malicious about that. Instead of being "gasp" upset, just tell him haha how not funny! and go about your business. Nip the stupid or overtly sexy comments in the bud by telling him he is being inappropriate.
Like WiseOwlE suggested, If he comes into the kitchen and BUG you, ask him to come back and use the kitchen when YOU are done. Because YOU just want to cook on your own and be LEFT alone. You don't HAVE to be social with him.
Just like the earbuds/earphones can work to NOT have to interact with him, SO can your words. If you don't feel like talking, Tell him. Buddy, I am not in the mood for chit chat do you mind leaving me alone? He might get miffed but really, who cares?
I hope you have a lock on your door. If so, USE it.
For the most part? I'd ignore him. Hopefully, things will go back to normal soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2020): Since you "chose" where to live, and the housemates you have; there isn't anything the landlord can do about your roommate's behavior. Perhaps the majority can take a vote; and not include him on the next lease. It's quite incidental and likely that roommates will come and go; but you don't always have the option of "kicking them out;" when they get on your nerves. This elongated pandemic-imposed house-arrest will either bring-out the best in you; or turn you totally weird. Don't forget, he's lonely; and missing his freedom, family, and other friends too!
When I was serving in the military, we lived in dormitories setup just like that of college dorms. You might have one roommate, or two. Before you reach the rank of Sargent; you have no choice of whom your roommates are going to be.
I'm multi-racial, and my ethnicity can be confused as Latino, Indian (Asian), or more closely to Arab. My father is of Greek/Moroccan decent (dark-complected, and 100% American) and my mother is a full-blooded Cherokee (Indigenous Native-American). She had a deep-olive/tan-complexion. I have a dark-olive medium-complexion, somewhat almond eyes, and black wavy hair. You would not believe the questions and comments I've endured! Who could I complain too? I got sooooo tired of the nickname "chief!!!" How do you express resentment to that? It was unbelievable how racially-insensitive and down-right racist many of the guys were! However, the US Air Force required enlistees to enroll in a stupid racial-sensitivity training-program designed for airmen; but that was more insulting than the racist-behavior! The training-supervisors were awkward, and all Caucasian. We did these stupid re-enactments of racial-encounters; and training-exercises that forced us to interact in unnatural and ridiculous ways. They could be fun, and sometimes hilarious at times! I left most sessions feeling like I stepped in a pile of dog-poop, or had been drenched in dirty-dishwater! After 9/11, imagine the stares on a plane, you could visualize in the thought-bubble above fellow-passengers heads: "Are you one of them?" The eyes are truly the mirror to the soul, and will tattle on your thoughts! I'd give a reassuring-smile and a nod. If they didn't smile back, I'd roll my eyes and visibly shake my head! I'd let them know...think what you want, but keep it to yourself!
You can't walk-around with a chip on your shoulder, or being a victim. Sooner or later, we will ALL make a dumb racially-insensitive mistake! We're all human! I hate phony political-correctness! I prefer to know whom I'm dealing with; then I know how to handle the situation. A fake will smile to your face, and stab you in the back. I'm not down with that! Show me your real-face, and be honest in your attitude; and we'll settle it with mine!!!
I had to develop a thicker-skin; and not react to each and every offense. Then as a gay-man, you're objectified and identified as "exotic." Which is both quite flattering, but also racially-insensitive; depending on the source, and the intent behind it. I had to hold my peace and choose my battles; because oversensitiveness can get the better of you. We are obviously "different" to some people; especially those who are not regularly exposed, or don't interact in a racially-diverse environment. They don't always mean any harm. However, making sexually-explicit or vile-remarks; with sexual, or racial-undertones are not difficult to spot. You get them often enough to see them for what they are. You have to set them straight...then and there! Our political-climate has sent a dog-whistle out to racist, here in the USA!
Provided you're not outnumbered, and in a reasonably safe situation; you set them straight! Others around you will often back you up! I haven't had any encounters recently, but I'm never surprised when I do!
Being gay? That's a whole-nuther story, girlfriend! I'm not effeminate or "twisty:" but if you don't have a girlfriend or wife, it raises an abundance of inappropriate questions!
You should sit-down with your flatmate; and educate him on racial and ethnic-sensitivity. Inform him you emphatically deplore his sexual-innuendo; and you insist that it stops! Commentary regarding your nationality and ethnicity has been way overstated; and you take total offence to his ignorance. You are not the least interested in what kind of women he likes! You wish his flirtations to stop, and you do not feel it something that you should have to remind him of over and over about!!! You are female, but rest-assured...you will call the police, when you feel you are being verbally-assaulted or threatened; just because you are a woman, and he thinks he can say whatever comes to mind!!! If you wish to be alone in the kitchen, kindly ask him if he might comeback in a few? You'd like a little privacy, but will be considerate; and give him all the time he needs. If you don't wish to engage in conversation, put your earplugs or headphones on; and crank your music. When he enters the kitchen, leave and go to your room; or another area of the flat. If he follows, tell him to stop following you! Right-now, you're the only company he has. Be reasonable!
You modify unwanted-behavior with tact, and consistency. You address the matter directly; and you don't cower under intimidation. Don't be wishy-washy or beat around the bush! Be as explicit as the perpetrator; when they make offensive-remarks! Insist that you are highly offended; and ask him to please leave your presence, or you should leave his...then and there! If your responses are consistent; and you show no intimidation; Asperger's or not, he's not helplessly stupid. He knows right from wrong, and he also knows when he has offended you!
To be meek and intimidated in the presence of ignorance gives it a pass. Sometimes people learn, and sometimes they don't. Until you exercise assertive action, you won't know how he'll respond to it. I give everybody leeway, and benefit of the doubt. I'm older, and more experienced; but sometimes switching into "bitch-mode" is absolutely necessary, when the tamed and subtle-approach is not effective!!! Avoiding him and shutting him out, will be effective as well; because he can't bear the loneliness and confinement. Adapt and adjust, this is only temporary. Use diplomacy when possible; or hit the bitch-button and dial-it-up to high-setting! As a last resort, don't go overboard, sweetheart!
Stay safe, and try to be reasonable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2020): I don’t feel comfortable for you in that situation. I doubt saying anything to him and having a sit down conversation with him will help you, based on the information you’ve provided.
I think you either need to figure out a way to move out (even if temporarily) or have someone stay with you.
I’m assuming you are NOT telecommuting? You have to go into your workplace to do your job?
Re moving out: can you explain to work that you will need to telecommute? If you’re job is one where you can work at home that is. That way you can stay with your parents at least for a while until your roommates come back.
Re having someone move in (even if temporarily): do you have friends close by that can move in temporarily so that you aren’t at the least alone with him at night? Not sure what the law is there but surely people are allowed to relocate as needed (then it’s not just visiting).
It’s not ok that you don’t feel safe at home. Even if you need to get a restraining order (which might be hard) to get something done, I would do what it takes. Maybe this guy is just all talk—but why risk it?? Really work on getting out or having someone move in temporarily.
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