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anonymous
writes:How do i deal with the fact that everyone i know loves my abusive ex bf? They all think he is this great guy, caring, chamring, respectful and a good catholic guy. But hes not...it just really frustrats me. People would always say when we were dating 'dont let this one go, hes a good catch!!!' and now they say to me 'why did you break up with such a great guy! i think you're crazy!!!'. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Just accept the reality that your abusive ex is a charmer to others.
That is a fact because your ex has a split personality.
Only the wife will know the real person inside.
Let them believe whatever they want and let go.
You cannot change their opinions of him .
Appearance can be very deceptive sometimes.
It only takes them to be in your shoes to see the real person.
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female
reader, I'llTryToHelp  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 This is how it always is with abusive people. They only show that side of themselves at home. I'm in the same situation and I understand the frustration you feel. I've tried to tell others about him but they really don't want to know or care. As long as the abuse isn't directed at them, that's all others care about. Let it go....
I know you want your friends and family to understand what you went thru and why you left but the important thing is that you did leave him. Try to only worry about yourself and remember that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Also, remember the warning signs that you noticed about him so that you don't get caught up in the same kind of relationship again! They are charmers at first but the signs are there! Good Luck!
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 This is pretty common, partly because guys like your ex can afford to be charmers at work because they can let of steam at home. They see only his good side, you get the dark side.
Normal people, it is a mix of both you get to experience. Just yesterday I blew up at work. A 100 things happening at once, to much pressure, hot and sweaty and tired and someone said something wrong and I just exploded. It happens, some harsh words fly, you walk away and continue. But that gives normal people like me the image that they have a dark side as well. I do of course BUT because I blow up when I am frustrated right away it never comes to anything more then raised voices and some swearing, since it is an all male work environment this is pretty much the order of the day.
Abusers don't do this. They bottle it up and let it go at home, taking their frustrations out on their partner. So the outside world only sees this wonderfully even tempered guy while you get the punches. Every serial rapist/murderer is ALWAYS the quiet guy. "He was always so nice and friendly" as they police are hauling away the bodies by the truckload.
There really isn't anything you can do about this except be glad that he is your EX now. Trying to convince others of his dark side is almost impossible. People don't want to know.
If they are good friends, try and tell them what really went on, but if they are just people you now, shrug your shoulders and ignore it. They don't really know him, you do. It is how abusers work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Two different answers - Your choice babes. Do what feels good to you, do what makes your life happier, cause that's what's important. Not your friends opinions, not his. "Who knows it feels it." Live your life as you see fit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Tell them that "quiet ones are always the most dangerous". Stuff them and their opinions, they didn't have to live with him. What you gonna do, take him back because your friends want you too.
You've been abused baby, you've done nothing wrong, the fault is all his. Tell your friends that "he's charming in public but a nightmare at home." Don't keep his secrets, tell them what he did, tell them how he hurt. Tell them what happened and bask in their sympathy and understanding.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Yeah, I had one of those. He was everyones favor because of his profession. Once I left him, after we had a kid and he closed fisted hit me, I decided to let eveyone find out for themselves what kind of person he really is. It's been 6 years, and everyone that gave me crap for leaving him and taking my son with me, are singing praises in my name. Everyone knows, from dealing with him first hand what kind of guy he is. I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. Try not to mention his name, or think about him. Time to move forward.
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female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 If you are happy to set yourself free from this abuser, that's what matters. if he is so good,caring, charming etc... tell those people that they can now have him. coz it seems that they are the ones in need of "care,love,respect" etc. the two of you must have done a great job in potraying a "good" image to the public.
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