A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner cheated on me and this is not a question about him. I've been dealing with it with him. It's about the girl. I have taken so much anger out on him but she walked away with having no affect in her life and ruining mine. He knew her, had once been intimate but thought she was still a friend. He met me, fell in love and gave to me what he never would give to her. He spoke about me so much and when he went back to her house, he went to bed in a spare room (he works away she is in that town). He was very drunk and she was straight. She made the decision to come into that room and slide into the bed with him. He didnt say no either. He told me straight away. I think she was jealous, she had made a comment to him saying she was happy for him but thought he didn't want a relationship and to settle down. (just didnt want her) Anyway, I hate her, I want her to suffer. He made a mistake of contacting her once after and she told me she was happy and had a partner and to get over it. I don't even understand why she would think I would even be interested in her love life but whats even more bizarre was that she didn't even have a partner!!! Everyone thinks she's lovelly in this small town, such a community person but behind closed doors she goes sleeping with other peoples partners. How do I deal with this bitterness towards her???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): ORIGINAL POSTER
whoa, i can see how much this has traumatised you but something is not right: now he doesn't even remeber her last name, she was his 'friend" for years wasn't she, they were once intimate weren't they? yes it was just sex but he does know her and she did mean something to him. why else would ha have wanted to have you befriend her?
Just in response, they were not friends for x amount of years, who said that, maybe 2. If you knew my partner he is very honest. He really could not remember her last name and had to think very hard. If you knew my partner, he can barley remember to tie his own shoelaces. At one point he stayed with her because he needed a place to live. He didnt always see her. She was his friend but he didn't like her heaps, he said she wasn't that nice of a person. She did not mean that much to him, I don't know how you can "assume" that. They were intimate but he didn't even like having sex with her, his words were and I quote "It was gross & she stank enough to put a bloke of sex!" (sorry to be so blunt). Guys will DO anything when horny. By befriending I mean he looked forward to me meeting the people he knew. He's the kind of guy where everyone is his friend. Doesn't make it special.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): forgiveness is a virture, but revenge is a dish best served cold. it takes two to party, drunk or not, he could still get it up. But for you, you need to let go of the anger towards the OW. either way, what you send out always returns to you. i'd say forgive but that's a crock. lose the anger, re-direct it to love to those less fortunate. obsession is a dangerous thing that will eat you up until you no longer see any joy in anything - esp. your relationship. stay strong, and be true to your own values and belief systems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): whoa, i can see how much this has traumatised you but something is not right: now he doesn't even remeber her last name, she was his 'friend" for years wasn't she, they were once intimate weren't they? yes it was just sex but he does know her and she did mean something to him. why else would ha have wanted to have you befriend her?
if you want try to move on and try to make peace that he is with you and not her. or else this thing would eat you up
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): ORIGINAL POSTER
Also no there is no contact between them, he can't even remember her last name that's how much I believe he doesn't think or care about her. He never liked her at all on a friendship/emotional level. It was JUST SEX. But I think us women view that differently.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): ORIGINAL POSTER
I have had alot of anger directed towards my boyfriend, I know he's not innocent. He knows he made a huge mistake. I look at the details so much.
He told me within a matter of hours, he didnt just casually do it and relax, he was really upset about it in front of her to a point where she freaked out about his reaction to it and was saying "it's ok, it never happened". He is mad at himself.
Im angry because she came into the bedroom, he was drunk, she wasnt the slightest bit drunk, she did it out of pure spite and selfishness. I know he should have said no, I know he was the one that cheated. He has gotten hell from me.
I don't know this girl, he was atually hoping we would become friends because it was one of his friends who he had had a slight intimate relationship with but never wanted her as a partner but they remained friends.
He spoke about me all night to her and her responses were things like "happy for you but I thought you didn't want a partner and to settle downs" etc etc
I want to understand why she did it because i'm sure she wouldn't want it done to her, she had a failed relationship because her partner had cheated on her and then she went and did it to someone else. She even later through a text said she was happy & had a partner and for me to get over it. (what right does she have to say that) She was making up having a partner!!! She did not have one and she tried calling when she was told not to, it's like she was making this about her. But she didn't get hurt or have it affect her life!! This is doing my head in!!!! I'm always hearing it was my BF fault that's not what I'm having trouble with it was 2 peoples fault and I can deal with my partner. She has never had to face up to anything!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): i think your anger and hurt are misdirected. look closer at your bf
but do not allow this woman to manipulate you. is your bf still in contact with her. stop blaming her and allowing her to get to you. you are focuing too much on her and try being indifferent. do not show her your hurt, your anger. remember she is now a non entity in your life.
as for your bf, he needs to know that he messed up BIG TIME. oh, and do not only blame the OW. I am sure bf had a chance to say NO. so many women blame the OW yet forget that the cheater is still in their bed, acting all innocent and getting away with murder.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): To hell with being nice! Being the "bigger person" is for weaklings who think its okay to be stepped on and that you should accept injury with a smile.
I would tell everyone who thinks she's such a lovely person what a whore this woman truly is. Then I'd tell everyone what a dog your boyfriend is and dump his ass. I can't imagine why you'd chose to stay with him after this, since HE'S the one who destroyed your life.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know you want to get back at her and make her suffer. I wish that life was fair and that anyone who cheats like that should go through a lifetime of emotional agony. I'll say this to you - no one can like themselves and peach other people's guys. She is suffering in ways you can't possibly understand. She has an emotional hole in her heart that can't be filled by all the self-destructive behavior around. You will eventually heal, whether or not that means you remain with the guy who cheated on you or not. Don't let him off the hook either. Drunk or sober, he should have never let himself get in that situation. There is absolutely no excuse.You have the power to release the bitterness you feel and be a better person than both of them. You don't have an emotional dysfunction that causes you to throw yourself at committed guys. You aren't desperate to need a guy to complete you. This other girl is emotionally and morally bankrupt. You don't need to make her pay...she will pay over and over and over and over without you so much as lifting a finger.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 I can understand how hard this must be for you and how devistated you must be feeling. To be cheated on by someone you love, and with someone you know personally as well. It must be very hard to deal with.
I think its best to ignore this woman, and all the feelings you have towards her. Just remember that she will get what's comin to her. But you have to take the high road and be the better person. What she did was despicable, but by retaliating or holding a grude, you make her the victim.
Also remember, your partner also did the deed. He is perhaps more to blame, drunk or not, he made the decision to allow her into his bed. She may have been a willing participant, but he was the one who decided to cheat as he was the one with a partner.
Personally, I couldnt stay with someone who did that to me. Partly because of the strong feelings of anger, bitterness and jealousy that I know would arise in me. I feel I'd have to move on, so that I could minimise and cope with these feelings and have a fresh start. The other reason I'd have to leave is because I think it's plain good manners not to cheat on your partner. If someone does that it shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings, trust and the value of your relationship. For someone to cheat, would be a huge insult to me. I would have to leave because I believe in a pure, honest love. i know there's not much of it out there, but if I can maintain it in myself, I know others can and I'd have to keep searching for that true, decent love. Someone who could cheat on me, doesn not have that for me, and there fore it would be over from that moment.
This is just my view. Either way, you have to destract yourself from these thoughts and feelings hun or they will eat you up. You didn' deserve this to happen to you. But try to remember, she is a bad person(and so was your boyfriend) in that they did a bad deed, and bad people cant get away with bad deeds. They will pay for it one way or another.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 You should not have any bitterness in your heart. The fire that burns in you , burns you more than her.
There is Karma and she will reap what she sowed. Leave it to Karma . Forgive her and find closure to this issue.
If you do not forgive her, it will only eat your heart out.
Do not have any hatred or bitterness in your heart. Then you would not have enough space for happiness and joy.
It is your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): Ask the Lord to forgive you for unforgiveness and bitterness and every time the thought come up, say a prayer for her and guard your own heart. It may take time, but eventually will happen. You wouldn't want to see her go to Hell over all of this so ask the Lord to forgive her and to help you do the same--doesn't mean she will be your friend either.
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