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anonymous
writes:I am in my early sixties, happily married. My daughter lives in Ireland and is a single mother even if she lives with her partner. They are both unemployed.How do you deal with your daughter's partner when he shows signs of personality disorders. I am not a psychiatrist but the four times I met him he showed signs of paranoid personality disorder. He has done everthing to alienate our daughter from us and resents the fact that we helped her financially up to now. She can be naive even if she is a graduated and previously had a good job. They have now stopped communicating with us following a bitter confrontation a few months ago when we could no longer stand his controlling attitude. I have also stopped my financial suport simply because I think it was making things worse for all of us. How does none deal with such a person? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the good advice given. I really appreciate this as I felt that the decisions I took may not have been the right ones.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 I think you actually did the best two things you could do in this situation.
1. You stopped the financial aid -- Your daughter is an adult, and your financial remittances were softening the blow and were glossing over her boyfriend's inadequacies. Sometimes it takes a real financial squeeze to bring out the worst qualities in someone, and she may actually take off the rose colored glasses when it comes to him.
2. You stopped all negative discourse about the guy. I know you couldn't take it anymore, hence the alteration, and I totally understand it. However, in these cases, the parental opposition just drives them closer together. It's not right, but that's what usually happens, especially if he's got a hold on her.
Your opposition to them in that fight turned it into an "us versus them" emotion for them, making it much more difficult. Now is the time to pull back. When you see your daughter, just give her love. She must feel like things are hard at home, yet loving and comforting with you.
ABOVE all, when she starts asking for money, AND SHE WILL, don't give it to her. You can give her phone numbers or addresses of public assistance (I don't know the system in the UK, unfortunately), but this is key. Don't worry about your grandkids now (I know that's the pull, and your mind, and your daughter will start to rationalize that you're not supporting your daughter, but her innocent child(ren).
They both have to grow up some. However, if you feel the grandkid(s) are in danger, call the authorities. Don't throw money of your own at the problem. Likewise, if your daughter is put in danger (like physical danger or if the boyfriend is using drugs), call the authorities.
Stay levelheaded. I know it's hard to lose your patience, but NO MORE MONEY. Not even a little. And no more griping about the boyfriend to them. You've said your mind, and now just show her love when she calls. The lack of financial support will augment his shortcomings...maybe just enough.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 Without financial support your daughter would find it unbearable to live with him and she would have no choice to move back in with you. Her partner is able to control her mind but is very dumb indeed. There is no way to deal with a personality disorder except to wait for your daughter to see the monster he is, which will be very soon when the illusion of folie de deux shatters. It is very difficult for you because she lives far away. Pray that everything will be okay and be alert for the first signs of physical abuse.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 It's hard, and what's worse is that there is nothing you can do either. Your daughter is an adult, you have no control over her, and she needs to stand up to this man on her own.
All you can do is support her when she does try to get away from him, and help her through best as you can in the meantime. I think it is for the best you stopped financially supporting her as it was causing a lot of drama, and who knows what he has put your daughter through because of it. In my experience, an aggressive or otherwise disturbed person keeps themselves looking normal in front of others, and then unleash their personal hell when home with their partner or child. So if he was to the point where he showed his true colours to you then I think your daughter and grandchild is seeing things 10 times worse at home.
If you fear for her safety you must talk to her, and talk about the safety of your grandchild. Maybe your wife can talk to your daughter, woman to woman.
But unless she herself takes a stance there is nothing you can do. Just offer her your home if she needs to get away from him for a few days. Offer what you feel you can without making the situation more complicated. And then just hang in there and hope for the best.
I have a friend who is with a controlling man. For a good period of time I hardly ever saw her, and finally this last years she's started to come out of her shell, against his will. He will get jealous if she just talks to another person, and she wants to break free, but it is so hard. And there is nothing I can do either, other than be someone who will listen to her and support the decisions she makes.
Leaving someone controlling is veeery hard. I do not think it is because your daughter is naive that she stays. If she gets away it shows she is very strong, because controlling people are difficult to escape from once they have you in their cage, and no doubt he is probably using the child against her as well as a reason for why she needs to stay with him.
Show her that she can find support elsewhere and not from him. Try to show her that she can manage on her own. She needs to gain a lot of strength and confidence in order to leave.
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