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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hope you can give me some insight into a friendship I had since college. Thank you!I feel as if I'm only just waking up and realizing that this friend of mine is actually a narcissist. Am I being subjective?When we were younger, I somehow ignored the symptoms, but now, as an adult I can't not see them.She only keeps useful people around. Some people are good for mundane things (and she never invites them anywhere and pays attention not to mix them with "better" people). Others, those "better" people, come from "good families" and/or are well known and well off.She has a couple of friends, me included (as I just realized), who are there to be at her disposal. She used to have more of "us", but it's now it's just me and another friend. Others have put her on the ignore list. And I too am waking up to who she really is (unless I'm wrong...). Being at her disposal used to be helping her with studying, listening her bitch about people/life/... now life's much more serious, but she still needs this kind of support. She calls me to tell her it's ok to turn down a job, or send a text to her crush or when she needs to vent because a cab driver did something to annoy her... If I'm not there to answer, she gets passive-aggressive (she's the victim) or manipulative. Manipulation is the word of the day.I managed to refuse to participate in this game of hers early on, but she literally tries to buy some people around her. When she needs company she's ready to not only pay someone a lunch to sit and keep her company, but even a holiday! When people start refusing such offers (in other words to be manipulated) she starts playing the victim (and calls to bitch about them).Maybe I would still be oblivious to all of this, but two things have recently made me think. I became close to one of her friends and along with some other people, we went together to a spa and she was invited but couldn't come (all women nothing men-related). She paid a ludicrous sum of money to come and "see us" for a few hours and then went back to work. She was nervous all the time and had a "plastic" smile on her face. I was stunned. Second thing was work related. We work in similar fields and I was highly recommended to one of her colleagues, who invited me to work on a project in another town (it's not the job she does and she was engaged otherwise). She did the same thing she had done with the spa! Flew in for an afternoon and went right back to work (again paid an arm and a leg). She had said she wanted to come and give me support and introduce me to some "important people". I told her I didn't need any of that and that she shouldn't bother (ok I was more polite). She was in a bad mood, constantly complaining... and when she left I finally realized she had done NOTHING, if anything she was using me to meet some people she normally has no access to. In both cases I felt she came to observe because she felt excluded and... well she wasn't used to me mixing with "her" people.I felt bad and couldn't talk to anyone. When I finally said something to my husband, he said that he had always thought she was a narcissist, but since the situation hadn't escalated he decided not to interfere. Funny thing is, when I started to change my mind, a few of our mutual friends suddenly started talking about her in the same light! As if she got tired of putting up a nice face for some reason to some people, and we came to see the real her.Anyway, when she tried to invite herself to spend Christmas with my family (most of "her" friends are skiing somewhere), I told her that it wasn't a good time...I just feel weird. Am I overreacting now, or was I just too tolerant (stupid)?And how do I put some boundaries?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 December 2017):
 Some people are friends for life, some for a time and some for a season.
I think she is used to working angles and network both with coworkers and friends. It might BE that she isn't GOOD at getting the "invites" but she is good at the "hustle" which for HER is using friends to gain access to people.
As for her showing up at the spa. I think she didn't like the idea of people doing things WITHOUT her. By showing up for a few hours and then leave she might have felt that HER presence became the focus.
YOU have to decide if YOU get anything out of this friendship. (or any friendships). It they are "worth" to keep around.
I don't really know what kind of person invites themselves to another family's Christmas holiday. but if any of my friend were to be alone for Christmas (and this was a GOOD friend) I would INVITE her. If this was a person who was just USING me because other friends are away, then no I would definitely decline but I would also distance myself from this person.
Were you just tolerant or stupid? I think neither. I think you were just seeing her as a friend. With family and friends we don't always question their behavior especially if they have ALWAYS done that. so this is not about what you did or didn't do.
Does she come from a home with a very dominant mother or father? Because I can see this as learned behavior and if this is how she has always been she probably learned it at home.
What is it about is now that you have an inkling that she isn't really a GOOD friend what do you want to do? Downgrade her to an acquaintance? cut her off completely? Or just accept that this is who she is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2017): I'm the OP.
Thank you so much for your reply.
Now I wish I had realized sooner what kind of relationship we had. I'm responsible 50% for it since I went along.
I would be surprised if she were to dissolve the friendship but I wouldn't be sad, because the kind of relationship she wants is no friendship at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): I have to say you did the right thing. You needed to set some boundaries and you needed to somewhat distance yourself. She had no right to impose on your family; and sometimes it doesn't feel good to say "no," or to set boundaries. We all have the need to be people-pleasers; but we inevitably have to set some limits with friends and acquaintances.
You've been quite accommodating and maybe a little too permissive; but it came from a good place. You were being a friend. As we become more mature and experienced; we develop more discernment. We start to see those character-traits in people that don't mesh with our values. We should always be open-minded and objective; but we also have to use our common-sense. You've seen things that you don't like about her; but for some reason, you feel it's wrong to stand-up for your values.
We feel guilty for taking a righteous-stance; if it might offend somebody, or we fear they might retaliate. Worse, she'll run back and spill her guts about you to all the rest. Tarnishing your good-standing with all the others. If they're true-friends, don't worry. That won't happen. They'll consider the source. They warned you first!
No, you are not overreacting. You had to draw the line; before they have to draw a chalk-line around your body on the pavement, after she runs you over. You either submit, or she'll beat you down. That's how narcissists roll!
As you've described it, it seems she picks and chooses people according to their use. As if you are all her work-staff, or pool of resources.
She doesn't get to choose who you decide to network with. She had the opportunity to offer, but didn't; and you have the right to pursue contacts on your own volition. If you reach-out to someone she happens to know, and that person (or those people)is/are open and receptive to you; that is of their own free will. By destiny, you were meant to connect. She was an unwitting conduit. Unaware, but such is life! What goes around certainly comes around!
Inadvertently, she made that connection happen; but being a friend, you may accept it as the benefit of knowing her. Even if it was not her intention. I'd say, good for you! It's only payback for putting up with her and her ways over the years!
You were not stupid or too tolerant. You have to be careful of standing in judgment; because we all have our faults. There are some friends you handle with "a long-handle spoon," and others you draw closer. You have as much right to set your boundaries as she does. Don't be intimidated by her pushy/dominating/assertive-nature. You're not a follower or a fan. You're a leader in your own right! Embrace it!
You see through her. I often say, women have an uncanny way of seeing through each other. What we men can't see; women seem to have an ability to pierce the veil of deception of other women. I guess it's all a part of feminine-intuition.
You have the option of maintaining your friendship-connection; but with a caveat. Only, I think you should set your own terms; don't let her manipulate or bend you according to her will. If she sees you've caught-on, and you're not as naive as you used to be; she'll do one of two things.
She'll respect your boundaries, or she'll dissolve the friendship. In either case, it's a win-win for you.
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