A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't feel i have a sex drive. I've seen all sorts and people and thought, oh yeah he's hot but when I'm with someone I care about, I hate hugging them, i hate kissing them, i hate anything and everything.This has been like this my entire life and the whole thought of sexual activity grosses me out and disgusts me. Not that I'm against it, it's just something that I feel in my gut and I don't know what to do.Please give me some advice on how to deal with this and be able to explain the situation to my b/f
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): hi you probably dont feel comfortable with this guy, it obviously isnt right. If you love someone so deeply you are willing to do anything with them. You probably think you do love this guy but deep down you know you dont. He is not your soulmate because if he were you would want to have sex.
hope this helps
A
female
reader, CRYSTAL23  +, writes (3 February 2007):
 First are you on any medication,most of all birth control?Because I know for a fact that that ex ur sex drive disapaer completly...If so you should get off it,its not healthy to not have a sexual appetite.Another thing it could be is that do u think sex is wrong or grose?Becaause its a completly natural thing that should be fun,and about love.If you think its grose mabey you were tought that somehow...did anyone in your life make you feel like talking about sex or that sex was wrong?That actualy happened to my sister and she is the exact same way.If thats the case i would say get some counselling....To explain to your bf just tell him that you love him but for some reason that theres something up with your sex drive and you dont know what but that you dont want it to be like this...another thing i just thought of get your doctor to send you for horomone tests ,they will be able to see if your horomones are working right,it could all be a medical thing really.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007):
If it weren't for your boyfriend, would you be happy with the things you have mentioned?
If it is you who is unhappy or you think there is a problem with not wanting to hug, kiss or do anything sexual with people you care about then you need to address why you have these unwanted feelings, the best way you can do this is with a therapist, someone who is experienced in relationships and sexual issues who can help trace the reason of why you psychically react negatively to people who are close to. There is most likely a reason for it, maybe you fear intimacy because at some point you have associated it as a bad thing?
If however this is your boyfriends problem then you have no explaining to do, simply tell him you are the way you are and you are happy with that.
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (3 February 2007):
 OKay, you can be HONEST here. Did you really like ANY of the people that you've been with? Do you even like the boyfriend that you have now? Do you just like him as a friend? You have to be HONEST with yourself about your feelings for him before you can read the rest of this article, ok?
Yeah, I used to hate sex too, but I liked everything else that revolved around it eg. hugging, kissing, touching because it wasn't INVASIVE.
MY problem was that I didn't completely trust my boyfriends. I thought, WHAT's the point of all this [sex] anyway, he's just going to dump me and i would have given him my body for nothing.
Sex isn't just Sex.
Sex is like a confession of sorts, something secret, sacred and a little DIRRTY that i don't really want to give myself to any tom dick and harry. But that's what sex is, isn't it? Sex is a bit of yourself that you'd reserve for somebody you'd completely trust not to step on it and throw it away.
Do you feel the same way? If you want to make it with this boyfriend of yours, maybe you can try trusting him a little bit at a time. try holding hands, kissing... Telling him what you like. Experimenting with it.
But that depends on what YOU think makes for a healthy relationship. If you think that a healthy relationship is one where you go for walks on the beach without holding hands, or playing scrabble or chess from opposite ends of the table and that the only time you need to be in the same bed with each other is when you want a baby then you just have to make sure your boyfriend is cool with that too. I emphasize HEALTHY. It means that you're committed to each other heart and soul.
Don't you DARE go through with this kind of relationship if you're just afraid of the kinds of consequences a healthy physical and emotional relationship can give you.
Either that or you're just completely independent and solitary. What draws you to your boyfriend in the first place? Is he just a social prerequisite: "Oh, everybody has them so I might as well get one." ? Are you using him to get over your hate of physical contact?
Of course, I'm assuming that you have had an average childhood, did your parents never hug you when you were a kid? Are your parents distant with you and each other? Did something devastating happen to you in your childhood or you teenage years or even recently that has made you hate physical contact? If so, maybe you should go see a counselor. If nothing unusual or shocking has happened to you, then maybe you're just not a touchy-feely person. I have a friend who doesn't like hugging people. She is not a personable person at all, but she IS expecting a second child with her husband who is quite amiable.
I don't know if that's a good reference or not, but you just have to be honest with your feelings about physical contact and your boyfriend. Don't drag the relationship out any longer if you just don't like him. It's PERFECTLY alright if you don't like him. Just let him down easy.
Take care.
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