A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife is controlling and emotionally abusive. She is also very generous, but then uses the generosity as a way to martyr herself. She always thinks no one understands how "bad" she has it, owning her own business, me in graduate school, and with a 2 year old child. I'm sick of the degrading comments and unappreciative attitude. I don't know if I love her anymore. Can therapy help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): nope, therapy cannot help. only being not-abused-and-controlled-anymore can help. How do you do this:
1. stop letting her win. She keeps doing it because history shows it works on you. Break the cycle permanently. ignore any and all of her attempts to control you. Do not give in. Do not fight back (that just engages her more). Do not reason with her (that just engages her more). Simply ignore, don't respond, don't react, make her attempts fall flat on their face. Eventually she will get tired of expending energy on you only to not succeed. At that point she will either finally change her behavior since her old ways are not working for her anymore. Or she will leave you and look for someone she can control. either will be to your benefit.
2. leave her already.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): I don't think that therapy would work because people like don't usually change. What you need to does get out of this relationhip. And if the
child is yours then before you leave you need to get a lawyer to make sure that you have all of your legal rights for the child you should also talk about getting an injection and this will prevent her from running far
Away with the child otherwise she can runaway and your never are the
child. And when you do leave you need to do it when she's not there don't day anything about it and when you have you then need to have zero contact and the only contact would be for the child which needs to
be through the courts. Because if she can contact you then she will try and make you feel guilty and to try and suck you back in. And if you find it hard to leave remember that you are doing what's best for you and if the child is yours then its the best for the child too ask yourself if you really want to go back to that life.
So be strong yout have already shown alot of strength for the being aware that its going on and what she is Like.
You can do it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Narcissists flaunt generosity as a bait. He/she impresses others with kindness to lure people into their lair, entraps them, and manipulates and brainwashes them into subservient compliance. People are attracted to the narcissist's larger than life posture – only to discover his true personality traits when it is far too late. "Give a little to take a lot" – is the narcissist's creed.Narcissists always complain that life and people are unfair to them and that they invest far more than their "share of the profit". The narcissist feels that he is the sacrificial lamb, the scapegoat, and that his/her relationships are one sided and imbalanced. "She/he gets far more out of our marriage/relationship than I do" – is a common belief. Or: "I do all the work around here – and they get all the perks and benefits!"Faced with such (mis)perceived injustice – and once the relationship is clinched and the victim is "hooked" – the narcissist tries to minimise his contributions. He regards his input as a contractual maintenance chore and the unpleasant and inevitable price he has to pay for his/her Narcissistic Supply.After many years of feeling deprived and wronged, some narcissists lapse into "sadistic generosity". They use their giving as a weapon to taunt and torment the needy and to humiliate them. In the distorted thinking of the narcissist, giving money/gifts gives him/her the right and license to hurt,constantly complain, criticise, and cheat on their recipient partner. DIVORCE HER!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Divorce her. She is not generous. She is buying control.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): I had a generous ex. She used to cheat, abuse and never saw that as a problem. If i ever raised the issue, she would count the cost of what she had 'given' me, continualy remind me, tell me she's had a bad deal out of it, and then want everything paying back. No attempt to change her behavior. You need to get out of the relationship and never speak or listen to her again. I dont think therapy helps abusive people who genuinely believe they are the victim.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Do you mean therapy for you or for her? She can certainly use therapy but it will only work if she acknowledges she has a problem and wants to change herself. Therapy doesn't work on someone who is in denial or unwilling.Can therapy help you? Yes it can but maybe not in the way you're expecting. If you ask can therapy help you endure her abuse better, well it may help you be a bit more resilient but enduring will only drag you down more over the long run. Therapy is meant to help you become emotionally and mentally healthier. And merely enduring abuse isn't a healthy thing to do. Its like asking if seeing a personal trainer can make you fitter while you continue to overeat and binge drink and do other unhealthy things. Can therapy make you love someone you don't? Nope.But I do encourage you to get some therapy for yourself. Just not sure what you're asking about here regarding what therapy can do
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): My fiancé and I have been dating now for 5 years and she too is emotionally abusive, treating me how ever she feels and saying terrible things, I too have fallen out of love with her. And will be leaving her in the next coming weeks.
I think If its bothering you that much you need to tell her that this attitude needs to change or you will go, and for therapy... Yes therapy can work providing you trust your partner or wife. The first question they ask you is if you trust your parter and if both answers are yes they begin to solve issues and find compromise.
But let you wife know how it's making you feel, she won't stop if she dosent know she's doing it, I told my fiancé and she still continues to do it and will not change her ways. Don't let someone abuse you.
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