A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i need help my partner and i have been together for 4 years now i feel like i am at my wits end and need help urgently. I feel as if i shouldnt have to deal with this anymore and i know that hes so over this issue too. The problem is that im soo sick of seeing his ex partner and ex bestfriend who constantly remind me of his excess baggage they come to all his family functions. It doesnt help because they are related to my partners brother' girlfriend. I feel like an insecure girl and i hate hurting my partner over this entire issue we have had to deal with it for 4 years now. A most recent example is his brother had his birthday and we were both invited to his bday but because i cant stay out for late because of another issue to do with my parents not letting me out despite me being 22.yes i know but its difficult to understand and i know that this affects a lot of our problems too thats why im currently finding a flat to move out just so things can be easier for us. Anyways, i was feeling extremely uncomfortable knowing that he was going without me believe me i know that i should get over it but we had a bad encounter earlier. Where the same brother had a birthday and my partner and i had a huge fight and his ex partner and and ex best friend and even his brothers girlfriend (who doesnt like me since the day she met me..but shes always had issues with me dont know whether its jealousy but thats a whole new topic) spread rumours about me that even reached my extended family..theres more to it but i desperately need some advice on how to deal with this i feel like just moving overseas but i know thats just avoiding the situation...
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best friend, his ex, insecure, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApologies for thinking you were samoan, but as you would have guessed i am. We are not ready for committing to eachother just as yet because we are still young we got alot of focus on our careers right now.but what i can agree with you is we need to both be strong so that we can handle anything that anyone throws at us.I will continue to try my best.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Sounds like you are doing the right things. I do worry about breaks. You should use the break as a rest and excuse to avoid the party, then get back together. Breaks help you separate, they rarely help you get back together. Sometimes breaks are necessary to avoid violence. The key thing is for you two to join together strongly. So Strongly that the outside forces (extended family, ex's, gossips) can't pull you apart. Then those things will just wash over you. I often recommend that newlyweds move away from both families for the first year or three. This gives them a chance to become their own family with out a lot of jealousy from out side. Then when they have become as one. then they can be back in the middle of the family. Trust me this is what your parents really want for you. You only need enough distance that parents won't visit every week. Once a month is often enough. After 4 years you two need to get ready for marriage or move on. It's time. You are probably not feeling ready to commit today as you are stressed and on a break. You can use some of that time to make that decision.
FYI I'm not Samoan, I just spent a few years in Australia, so naturally I got to know a lot of islanders.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice the problem is, is that he has spoken to his brother about it and because his girlfriend wears the pants its been a bit difficult that hes even had a fist fight with him over it. Ive told my partner that im trying my best i dont like the idea of him being torn between his brother and i. Also,ive step up to the plate with my parents ive recently had a fall out with them over them being so controlling im guessing your samoan so you probably understand the idea of me being the only girl, hence, the overprotectedness if thats even a word lol. So like i mentioned im on the prowl for a flat.He is wondering whether i will get over this jealousy and my parents..its not so much jealousy i would call it, its the thought of why should i be putting up with all his crap, and yes the answer is because i love him but its so hard over the years we have had to deal with all his ex gfs saying stuff and it doesnt help that their always around hes dones his part and told them to stay away even one wrote him a long as letter about her missing him, im like when is this stuff going to end do we have to move for all this to stop. I called a break with my partner lastnight because he feels that i need to deal with it now and stop looking at him to try and fix things,i dont know what else to do apart from see a counsellor or something i talk to my friends about it but they just dont seem to understand because none of them are in relationships.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 January 2010):
I wonder if somewhere he is asking when you will get over your jealousy. Or, when you will stop letting your parents run your life. Your situation is unusually tangled, too many connections on your side and his. I know some people from New Zealand so I can see how your families could get so connected. It's pretty big in your culture. I can also see why the temptation to move overseas comes so easily to your mind. The easy answer would be to tell you to leave him because you can't handle all the aspects of the relationship, but based on your background and culture, you will find some of these problems in any relationship you get into. So it would be better to work your way through it and learn from the experience.
The most difficult problem you have is the gossiping. You and your boyfriend have to put your foot down on that. I had a similar problem with some of the women in my extended family. I can't imagine what they were thinking, we live in a small community, gossip always gets back to the person you were talking about. We stopped going to family events until they stopped that damaging behavior. I'm not sure in your culture you can do that. I do know that if your Boyfriend talks to his brother, and if his brother talks to his girlfriend, the problem should get taken care of. As an outsider my memory says that the men should handle it. Never allow gossip, it is even worse in families, when it starts just say we can talk about better things than that.
FA
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