A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do I deal with childlessness issues? Especially the qustion "why haven't I had any"?I'm single and don't have any fertility issues - I've just never met a guy who wanted to get that serious with me.My chances of conceiving a child have pretty much run out unless I go out and have random sex with a stranger for semen alone (and I don't think I could do that). I am not eligable to adopt or foster.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 November 2013):
 I can understand your frustration. Not only are these questions invasive and rude, but they're also repetitive. We all know where babies come from, how they're made, that raising them is a huge undertaking and that there are many factors at play. So in effect people are actually asking you for intimate details about past relationships, how often you did have or plan to have sex in order to produce a child, your daily schedule, and your medical history as it relates to conception. Gee, that's not invasive, is it?
There are a number of ways you can deal with this, depending on the character and the intellect of the person asking the question and the circumstances under which it is being asked.
For the most part people who ask these rude, personal questions are not concerned, they're just nosy. And they tend to be very stupid and boorish so you don't want to be too subtle because it will go right over their heads. On the other hand you don't want to go off the deep end and react with a screaming, profanity laced tantrum.
How would you respond if someone, especially someone you barely knew or didn't see often, casually asked you how much money you had in the bank or what colour underwear you were wearing? You can apply the same philosophy to the baby questions.
My suggestions are a bit difficult to convey in text because timing, tone of voice and facial expression are important. But here's an example.
You're with a small group of people and one of them boldly asks the baby question. If there are others present and multiple conversations underway, simply ignore it. If they ask it again, turn slowly to look at them and simply ask 'Pardon?'. Your tone and facial expression should be the sort you'd use if someone had asked what colour bra you had on. Ok, so that's one.
Another, is to turn it around on them and ask them probing questions about their choice to have children. 'Did you become pregnant deliberately or was it an accident? How often did you have sex before you became pregnant? What was your relationship like before you had children? What is it like now? Do you have any medical conditions that might have prevented conception or made pregnancy difficult? Do my questions make you uncomfortable? Now you know how I feel.'
You don't have to ask all of those questions, by the way. Those are just some ideas, again, depending on the person asking and the circumstances.
Another is to say 'I don't understand the question.' If they repeat it or expound upon it, you say 'Are you asking me to disclose details of past relationships, my sex life and medical history? Remember the aforementioned tone and facial expression.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2013):
 You have gotten good advice already. I just wanted to say that I hate that question too. I think only people who are uncertain of their own life choices would pry into anothers personal space like that. Ive been getting that question from "friends" (more like assoziates) who just had a child themselves. And also, my mothet has been nagging on me about this. Even though she knows my situation and point if view. Like you, I dont want just a sperm donor. I want my future children (if I ever have any) to have a father in their lives, preferably married to their mother. A man who isnt abusive (which my mother chose to be our father). And such a man takes time to find.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (2 November 2013):
 OP,
Your family and friends must know about your past health problems and also your past relationships (or lack of).
May I ask, who is asking these questions of you? It's really very personal, and you don't have to explain yourself to every Tom, Dick and Harry that asks.
If a person you are not close to asks, you can simply reply "it just never happened" and you do not have to explain or justify it any further. End of discussion and move on to another topic. If it's with a romantic partner, be honest and if they don't accept you they can buzz off.
I like So Very Confused post and suggestions - maybe you could find a voluntary mentoring position where you could help a youngster? I'm sure it would be rewarding.
http://www.chanceuk.com/site/63/225.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): To end the conversation you might want to tell people the truth.
So if they say don't you want to be a mother etc. You simply respond by saying 'I appreciate your concern but without being in my shoes you can't possibly know what I would like at this stage in my life and what I am going through. I would rather not discuss this further thank you.' Then you change the topic swiftly.
Most people apart from your immediate family would back off.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 HUGS OP... some folks are SO RUDE and think that any topic is their business...
Over here we have a program called Big Brothers and Big Sisters... its' for folks to be a positive adult role model in the life a child of the same sex who does not have a same sex role model... so you could be the "big sister" to a young motherless girl... these relationships are very important to the child and the adult and often last years and years and continue even when the child 'ages" out of the program...
It's one on one with ONE child and it can make a huge difference in both your lives...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): Hi OP here.
I am not eligible to adopt or foster because I have been diagnosed with a mental health problem which although well controlled has not been dormant long enough to please social services. They would be happy for me to adopt or foster if I was married or had the support of a long term partner but I don't.
And, I am not happy with childlessness. I would love a child and am as ready as I'll ever be so saying to people that I'm not ready or haven't wanted them isn't true. Or should I say it anyway just to deflect the question? Whenever I have said that, many people seem to want to convince me that I do want children and go on to laud motherhood. It's very painful to listen to
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 November 2013):
 My heart goes out to you because having kids is one of those 'expected' life goals, like getting married, being in a successful relationship, holding down a good job etc...
All those things that are suppose to reinforce that we are 'normal' and have 'made it' and if we don't achieve certain goals we are left raw and open and wanting.
When those goals don't happen, what do we do? where do we go? How can we live with the disappointment?...the answers are not written anywhere but inside us and how we deal with them is an entirely personal journey...sounds cliche but it is true.
I know of childless people who revel in their neices and nephews or their friends children, offering to babysit and take the kids out for special treats and I know of childless people who have convinced themselves they dislike chilren and focus on a pet instead...it's all about finding a coping strategy to fill the hole.
If you are determined to have a child, there are avenues to explore, like IVF, but I see you live in the UK and getting the treatment on the NHS when you are past a certain age is much harder. Private clinics may be a bit more flexible but they are expensive.
Why do you think you are uneligible to adopt or foster? There are quite a lot of single women in the UK who do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpaqDW3VXs
(listen to this, listen to how this woman talks about the child she is fostering)
Determination is a powerful thing so don't cut your losses just yet.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (2 November 2013):
 Why do you think you aren't eligible for fostering or adoption? They accept most situations these days, being single is not a problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): That depends on how well you know the person asking the question. If they're close with you, they should know the answer already. If they're a family member who keeps pushing and pushing, you can smile and simply say something like, "I'm not ready to have a child. End of discussion."
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (2 November 2013):
Why are you concerned about what others have to say? Are you happy with your current situation? Having a child is a lifetime commitment.
Have a child or children is a lot of responsibility and should not be taken lightly. I think it is important to have a partner to assist with the highs and lows of parenting. Hats off to those single parents out there who have taken on the hardest job with much success.
Do what is right for you. Don't listen to those who have no idea what your dreams are. Maybe that is not to have children of your own.
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