A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this is going to sound shallow, but I can't help it.I'm really feeling sad about my appearance. I LONG to be attractive and have a nice figure, but, let's face it, I'm too fat. I am at the point where I feel depressed all the time aobut my appearance and I hate looking in the mirror.I would give anything to have a nice body but I realize that everyone's genes are different and I'm so afraid that no matter what I do, I'm just destined to be a fat hog.I worry that I'm never going to be happy. i would like to have a boyfriend but men are just not attracted to fat hogs... they like cute girls with nice figures... and at my age, I feel like I@mrunning out of time to find someone.Like I said, I realize this sounds superficial but I want so badly to be pretty, to have a nice figure and be able to wear cute clothes... how do I deal with being unattractive_ What if I'm just destined to be fat? I'm so sick of feeling bad about myself.
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female
reader, Katiekins86  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 Seriously, what guys find attractive varies so much - big/skinny, blonde/brunette, short/leggy etc. The most happy of my friends has just got married and found out she is pregnant, her husband adores her. She is the biggest of all my social circle which includes girls who could easily be glamour models. You've just got to try and feel confident; I know it isn't that easy. What I found helped was going to the gym - I didn't even lose that much weight but the fact you are doing something good for yourself, taking a pride in your looks and health can really help confidence wise. You're not skinny. So what? I'm sure you've got some good things going for you.
Finding your own style could help as well, a 'look' if you like. I'll be honest, if there was something about my looks that i REALLY hated that couldn't just be dieted away or hidden with make up, and it bothered me that much, then yeah I'd probably have a nose job or something. Why not? If you were happy with your looks and it was others with the problem I'd say no, but if you are really down that much then maybe it is an option? I'm sorry if that comes across as flippant.
In the meanwhile, things you can do today will start your journey. Why not work on your social skills/hobbies, these will make you more rounded and introduce you to new social groups. You could make your hair or your nails a defining feature - paint them nicely and make your hair super shiny. Lack of confidence can make you not try, then you look in the mirror and you hate yourself even more. It's a vicious circle. I hope you feel better about yourself soon. YOu may want to look up body dysmorphia, i think that's what it's called.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2009):
 You’re trapped in negative thinking. Get to the doctor ASAP for a full evaluation and lifestyle change advice. You might be clinically depressed and your brain chemistry is screwed up causing this negative cycle. I know this is possible because that was my problem, 40 lbs ago. It takes patience and energy and effort, but you CAN get yourself healthy and fit. The body will come with it.
Start making changes in your diet, eliminate processed foods and most of the carbohydrates, increase fiber, lower calories, watch the fat, reduce or eliminate red meat, stick to lean proteins. (See a nutritionist if you are having problems figuring that out, or get some information from your doctor.)
Start walking everywhere. Just get out and do some loops in the neighborhood. If it’s raining, go to the gym. Buy some exercise DVDs and do them in your living room if you are too embarrassed to go to the gym. Basically, MOVE that body. If you sit and watch TV, instead, do sit-ups while you watch TV.
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I know this is going to sound shallow, I couldn’t help it BEFORE, but today, I’m going to start.
I'm really feeling sad about my appearance. I LONG to be attractive and have a nice figure, but, let's face it, I'm too fat. Today, that’s going to start to change.
I am at the point where I feel depressed all the time aobut my appearance and I hate looking in the mirror. Today, that’s going to start to change.
I would give anything to have a nice body and I realize that everyone's genes are different and I’ve decided that I am going to try NOT to be a fat hog.
I worry that I'm never going to be happy, so I’m taking steps to make myself healthy and I am starting by making smart choices, starting today. I would like to have a boyfriend but men are just not attracted to fat hogs... they like cute girls with nice figures and some self confidence... and at my age, I feel like I’m running out of time to find someone, so I’m not going to waste one more day bitching and moaning about it. Today, I am going to start.
Like I said, I realize this sounds superficial but I want so badly to be pretty, to have a nice figure and be able to wear cute clothes... how do I deal with being unattractive. I am NOT just destined to be fat. The future is in my hands. Happiness and health are right there in front of me, I just need to reach for them. If I need help, I’m going to get it. I'm NOT destined to be fat? I'm so sick of feeling bad about myself, so today, I am going to……
You’re right where I was, a couple of years ago. You can get out of it. I promise. See your doctor, start making smart choices. Throw away all the crap food in your house, replace it with healthy stuff. Buy some workout clothes that fit well and look good on you, nothing is more depressing than working out in crappy T shirts that make you look bad. Wear them when you are home alone, so you can do pushups on the edge of your kitchen counter or go up and down the steps a couple of times.
You can do this. Start believing that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I hate to tell you this, but there's no such thing as being unattractive. EVERYONE is attractive to someone that's a fact of life, the only problem as I see it is that people think of attraction as a numbers game, (the more people attracted to you the better) but that's a load of crap. I'd take one good person to be attracted to me over a million bad ones any day.
As regards weight, there are cute clothes that fit all sizes, and weight doesn't matter to guys, it only matters to girls. For example every guy I know, and I know lots and am one ;), would only consider it a bad thing if the girl was dangerously skinny or morbidly obese and not in terms of how it looks but that both of these conditions show a considerable inability not to able to take care of oneself and are an outward sign that the girl has no confidence, something which Emily correctly stated as being important.
I hate to break it to you, but the whole "fat gene" thing is a load of crap the way people have taken it up, it's the same as saying big boned, or I have a slow metabolism. It's an excuse used by many not to bother even trying to change something which is easily changed. Having the "fat gene" means people are more predisposed to gaining weight it DOES NOT mean that the weight can't be lost.
Weight is easily lost, with a change in lifestyle, I know because I did it myself and I have a naturally stocky body type. Good diet, exercise and creating an active lifestyle is how I did it. I tried diets but they take too much willpower and attention I'm a lazy person by nature and enjoy my snacks, so when I changed my lifestyle, by walking or cycling everywhere, walking up stairs instead of elevators etc. the weight just dropped off while I was focused on other things. It's the obssession with weight and the notion that it matters to how others perceive you that makes it so difficult, get rid of that and gain some confidence in yourself and it will show a lot more than losing a few pounds will.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 December 2009):
There are millions of guys out there who like girls with curves.
What men will be put off by is the fact you have no self confidence.
You sound very depressed so get out of the house and go for a walk in the park. Call up some friends and go out for a drink.
You can do loads of things to meet guys and by volunteering somewhere or joining some kind of group you'll meet new people and get a bit of a self esteem boost. Try signing up for karate!!
Hitting things helps. (Just not people.)
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): By the way, I had to rush through this message the first time I typed it. Sorry about my typing and punctuation. I'm just feeling blue, because I want to be attractive so very, very badly but I worry that my weight is beyond my control. I can't imagine anyone ever being attracted to me physically, and the prospect of spending my life alone makes me feel sad. I would like to know what it feels like to share my life with someone but I am a fat hog, and no one sees this quality as appealing. Could it be that I'm just destined to be a a fat pig, because of my genes? Could I realistically do anything to be more attractive? How do I deal with longing to be pretty?Like I said, there are so many things about my appearance that bother me. I HATE my nose and my skin so much that these features have caused me a lot of emotional pain. My nose makes me cringe... it just looks bulbous, like a blob of clay that wasn't sculpted. I would give anything to have a pointed nose like a statue. I had acne as a kid and it left my face horribly scarred, like chewed up hamburger meat. I don't know what CAN be done about this, if anything.I would like to have corrective surgery and I feel like it's a necessity but it would cost a fortune and I have no idea how I would pay for it. I would gladly go without eating just to have a normal nose and an average appearance. I would gladly give ten years off of my life just to be okay looking. I know that sounds really rash, but every day I see people falling in love and getting married and I'm reminded of that void all over again. I have thoughts like, 'no one would ever look at me that way because I'm fat and ugly.' I would like to know what it's like to have a guy bring me chocolates and pretty flowers and talk to me lovingly, but I don't know what anyone would ever see in a girl with a body like michelin man and a face like a pit bull. I'm so sick of feeling bad about my appearance but I really HATE how I look.
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