A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this girl I started hanging out with outside of work. At first I thought she was a cool person however after getting to know her, I realised she's a toxic person (being negative about everything) and has disappointed me a few times (like talking behind my back to make herself look good) so I'm trying to hang out less with her. I think she's also kind of jealous of me because she started to copy my dress style (last week she bought a very similar pencil skirt and shoes from mine) and if a guy she has a crush on starts talking to me she will suddenly appear out of nowhere and try to butt in the conversation (and somehow make a backhanded comment about me). I don't want to create any drama in the office but she's trying to push for friendship and find excuses to meet. How do I deal with staying cordial and friendly to someone I don't want in my life but am forced to see almost every single day?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 I think Janniepeg put it very nicely. You kind of have to TELL her you aren't interested in her friendship, and why
(if she asks).
Also, here is my thing if I'm talking to someone and a coworker comes over, butts in and then starts to put me down I would tell her RIGHT THEN AND THERE to her face, that she really needs some manners and a little class and tact.
If you CAN'T confront her, because that is 100% not you, then I would go the ignore, avoid and always have an excuse ready for why you can't hang out. However, that might drag her "getting" it out for a long long time.
A
female
reader, Bazinga  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Tend to agree with WiseOwl but to add I find work place friendships can become difficult and have learnt to distance myself and just be professional with co - workers, only go out with them at christmas time or if there is an occassion in the office.
No Facebook or any social networking, I find its best to just keep it for family and close friends otherwise can get messy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): There is no easy way to reject someone. It's even more difficult to advise someone how to distance themselves from someone they're intimidated by.If a person is "toxic" as you described her, you can't beat around the bush. They are used to using their willful personality to bulldoze people into submission. Through passive-aggressiveness, they corner you; and use your fear of their "monster" coming out. So they maintain dominance and control. They are bullies. You have to break their hold.I'm a lay-back guy; but a direct person. I've learned there is no way to get around tactfulness; when your back is to the wall. You develop courage and confidence. That is essential for survival. You must suggest to her that you both seem to have some incompatibility issues. You're more easy-going, and you find her approach to things very blunt. If you were a more aggressive person, you'd feel more comfortable as a friend.You just don't think friendship would workout. By now, she has already inserted herself into your social circles. That's what toxic people do, they attach like parasites and infect your circle of friends. This is so you can't freeze them out. That's why she talks behind your back. To gain confidence from your friends. They might slip-up, and make a remark she'll use for blackmail. So you just speak to your friends, and just let them know you are aware hurtful things have been said; but you don't fault them at all. Give them reassurance; but keep your strategy to yourself. Don't place anyone in the middle. They'll figure it out. You may tell them you just don't feel comfortable with her; and don't want to be her friend. True friends will support you.She used your personality to infiltrate your social group; then you can't escape being around her. She can always claim them as mutual-friends. Older friends are closer friends. If they side with intruders; they're not real friends. They should have your back. Your courage will save your existing friendship, and release you from her grip. I don't care what anyone says. You have to have a backbone; and stand up to people who push you around.You cool it with the chumminess at work, and keep it very professional. You remain polite; but you offer her limited conversation for awhile. Minimizing contact aside from work-related issues. She will attack. That's where you have to grow the nuggets to stand your ground. No one is going to offer you any easy tactics. Direct and honest is your best way to disassociate. Cowardice will have you tense at work, and afraid to be with your friends. You have to reinvent your personality; when you're around her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 November 2013):
 Here's what I would say to her, and look her in the eye: "You are cool a lot of the times but there are times you are so negative and calculative. At the end of the day I just want to relax and not wonder what you are up to. You know what I am saying? Even right now I am afraid that you would get upset and bad mouth me at work, or do something to get me out of work. I am sorry but that's how I honestly feel. So you see now why I have reservations about being your friend?"
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