A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles!I often wonder what do people mean when they say that someone is a "good person" or a "bad one". That's why I hesitate to label anyone with just good/bad.My question today is:How to deal with a friend who's needy and narcissistic tendencies have went through the roof?She's now always calling to vent, ask for something or simply to retell a story you've heard 100 times;I understand that she might get lonely, but...She never asks how you are. (Most recent example: She knows that I have been ill for almost a week and all her texts are about herself. I'm not kidding. She sent me around 20 of them and not once asked how I was).She has never asked for money, however, but she has no problem staying at someone's place and not chipping in, letting other people do and buy stuff for her. She sometimes does things even when you specifically tell her not to and then looks for a way to prove that she hadn't understand you. (This is silly but, there were two special chocolates in the house for our son and she asked if she could eat one. Then an hour later, she asked for a second too. And she ate that one too when I wasn't looking even after being told not to do so... silly, isn't it?)If you wonder how it is possible that I haven't noticed this before and done something...It's hard seeing someone for who they really are when you have known them most of your lives. When you are a kid, everything is less complicated. And when she was younger, she made an effort (to pretend?) to care. I moved to another city almost 20 years ago, so I was out of her reach directly (but I have noticed that she lost touch with all of her friends in our hometown but one, and FYI she has never had a bf/partner, a couple of one night stands... ). We see each other maybe once in 2-3 years. But the wonders of new technology have made me more available than I would like. Can you imagine that she gets irritated if I lose my phone and then don't buy one for a period of time or if I go somewhere where there's no 4g? She's never angry with me, but it's weird.And, honestly, it is getting worse with age.She doesn't even watch her language anymore. She never politely asks for anything, she demands. And please is not a part of her vocabulary anymore. She wasn't like that. I realize now that she must have made an effort to be polite and nice, and that sometimes she was manipulating others.She talks behind the backs of our married friends/acquaintances how life is so much easier for them because they have husbands/partners. I have learned recently that she does the same to me, although from time to time she even makes such comments directly. I don't have the wish to explain that marriage is a partnership and that husband is not a father. Nor do I want to apologize for having a family - which often is an obstacle for her when she wants to spend two hours with me on the phone. (btw, the only friend she had left that I mentioned has no family and still lives with her mother, so she's available all the time).So, I don't know what to think about her anymore. Who is she?I tried talking to her, but she either changes the conversation or denies everything.I'm tired and see less and less point in nurturing this friendship.If I'm to check the phone records in the past 15 years, I'd probably see that I almost NEVER call her. Unless it is to call her back or say happy birthday. I stopped telling her anything intimate a long long time ago. I think that had I stayed in my hometown, I would have put an end to it a long time ago. Now, I'm older and everything seems so complicated.And I too have changed with age. I have less an less energy to just listen to the same stories over and over again and deal with demanding people.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2019):
 If it's too hard to tell her to her face, just start being SUPER unavailable. She she calls and wants to "vent", tell her sorry, you have to go and hang up.
Keep that up and she might get the hint.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): Thank you Aunts and Uncles!
It's hard for me to just delete someone from my life even though I would never strike a friendship with that kind of a person now, as an adult.
But, I'll have to do it. I'll have to find a way to make some distance... because, she's really not someone I like spending time with.
She's like a family member you have to put up with during family gatherings, except she's not my family and I don't absolutely have to...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): You slowly pull-away. Put distance between you. When she calls with complaints or gossip, you're busy.
You're probably afraid she'll bad-mouth you behind your back. If you've seen her in action; you should be psychologically prepared to deal with the repercussions.
If you go as far as to call someone a narcissist; then you should know better than to call one a friend.
Round-up some courage and tell her you need a little space and really don't like gossip. You can't be timid, or she will wear you down. Have a backbone, and learn not to befriend people when you see traits that go against your values.
You're mature enough to have enough judgement, courage, and discernment to undo relationships that you can't handle.
Show your strength.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): Well she is obviously not your friend, you can't stand her and have told us your friendship horror story, just go your separate ways. At least you can leave your chocolates lying around.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2019):
She sounds lonely and draining and like she takes you 100% for granted.
What kind of adult EATS a kid's chocolate? lol I just found that really perplexing behavior.
Personally, I would just start to become REALLY unavailable OR if you find it easier, JUST tell her straight up that you don't feel you two have anything in common anymore.
She is set in her ways and isn't going to change. No matter how much you try and explain WHY her behavior is not always OK. So if you can not see the point in this friendship, let it go.
Or simply, you can ACCEPT that THIS is how she is and deal with it as best as you see fit.
It seems to me like this friendship is WAY past it;s expiration-date.
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