A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! Thanks in advance for reading and giving your valuable inputs.I am getting married in a couple of months and I think I'm going through some kind of anxiety- about the wedding, about my decision to marry him (this is crazy and completely unnecessary but I do worry about it) and I worry about the sex in longterm relationships. MY parents had a bad marriage (still together though). My fiance lives in a different country and will be flying down just in time for the wedding. I don't know I'm going to feel or he's going to when we meet in person again. I'm starting to read a lot into the imperfections of our relationship! I tried to, but find it hard to express these feelings to anyone. The most dominating worry of all is- that marriage is a huge responsibility. It's all the fun elements kept aside and all the serious elements brought in. For us specifically, this marriage also means- moving me to his country, finding me a job, managing the household, food etc, seeing the most unattractive side of each other. Gosh I'm feeling like it's unfair and angry. I wish it could have been the same us who could spend carefree romantic time together without any of this for years before getting married- instead we got just a few weeks here and there and endless video calls for 2 years.I can't believe I'm thinking this way because I've always wanted to get married to the one I love- marriage seemed like the ultimate goal!!! And suddenly here I am, wishing for a non married but committed life where we could chase each other and feel attractive to each other. Instead of dressing up for a date and impressing him, instead of wearing that lipstick and perfume last minute, I'd be wearing shorts that lost it's crisp after wearing for an hour and he will be bored looking at me face wherever he goes. There won't be any rush or yearning to kiss me. I'm even wondering that perhaps people who live with a joint family are more excited because they will have to wait all day to get privacy. I've lived with him and his family but that was the dating phase. Now he will already have me as his wife. I'm not even good at teasing or being crafty. I'm so normal, average and boring. He's going to find out and maybe resent marrying me. How do I create an excitement in the initial phase of living together? I mean not just sexually but keeping the curiosity alive..? He also seems to want that. Neither of us are the type who wants boring predictable stable love life. We both wanted love and commitment but at the same time- the excitement. After all the wedding plans began with our parents, financial planning and our settling down efforts, everything feels like some kind of work to achieve something to please everyone else and get their approval. Is this what the rest of our life will look like? How can I help us get out of this mind set and feel alive about being a couple and enjoy things in the moment?Maybe these thoughts are more intensified because he is not here yet.(because of the pandemic, the travel is highly restricted so he can come back only in time for the wedding). I actually forgot how it feels when we are really in the same space. Lastly, I am worried that there may be dissatisfaction wrt the wedding from his side. I'm from a simple family (sometimes overly IMO) and they seem to want everything perfect. Individually, I'm somewhere in the middle. Traditionally, we both come from a culture where weddings are done quite simple. Because of Covid, it's even more limited.I'd like to have a memorable wedding and pretty pictures. My parents will just want a wedding to 'complete the ceremonies and get me married'. I think he is more of a "Given an option, I'd want to have a grand and impressive one". It's not as black and white as I said.. but I did categorize our difference in expectations relative to each other's correctly. I need to find a way for him to understand that having a extravagant wedding isn't a great thing in the first place. It's very pseudo intellectual of him to desire one IMO. More and more smart, well read and higher class people go in for an intimate wedding. Should I just tell that to him? It peeved me the last time he mentioned bitterly about things being too low key. (actually it's not low key in the culture we come from- he's just comparing it with that of some of his friends). Am I wrong to get disturbed with this difference in thought? Will I have to deal with this sort of difference in values my whole life? Is it necessary for us to have similar values to have happily married life?
View related questions:
fiance, teasing, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia  +, writes (21 December 2021):
Premarital counseling is what you need. Honestly it sounds like you are totally unprepared for marriage. First off i can tell you are not getting married because you love this man and truly desire to submit to and let him lead both of you. Your job as a wife is to build your husband into the best version of himself he can be. You are marrying him not his family or your own so their opinions mean nothing. Are you just getting married because you have some made up fantasy in your head you want to fulfill? Or do you truly desire to follow this man and do the best that you can to be his loving understanding patient nurturing partner? That is what every man desires. A loyal caring woman that could be a good mother to his children. Look at both your parents as well as his parents. Are you able and willing to be like them??? If not your marriage is doomed to fail. Dont think that you can create some new dynamic to marriage and experience success. Thats what all divorced couples thought. They experimented with some novel idea and failed miserably. Follow the example that has proven to work or end up a single cat lady and die alone. Keep me updated please. Thank you.
|
