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male
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anonymous
writes: I have a girlfriend that I started dating about two months ago. She's 39 and I am 38, and we're both divorced. I have 12, and 14 year old step-children from my previous marriage. She has an 11 year-old son, who's father she divorced when he was very young. She married again, but left her husband of 6 years almost a year ago. That was a relationship which had turned abusive, and he had been unfaithful to her. Her son hates his previous step-father and does not have any contact with him at all. We're both smart, professional, family-oriented people and I'm sure we'll find a way to successfully work through this situation. But I thought I would put this out there for advice, and perhaps someone who has worked through something similar will have something to say that might help:Her son is a very nice kid and other than the situation with his step-father has been brought up very well. He's not "parentified", but he has become very protective of his Mom. He does not want her in a relationship, and while he has no problem with his mother having male friends, he's figured out that his mom and I are more than that. It may just be too soon for him, he had warmed up to me quite a bit when he thought I was just a friend who came to visit once in a while (we never showed any affection towards each other in front of him and of course I don't stay overnight when he is there), but since he's gotten the idea, about a week ago, that his mom and I are more than friends he's told her that he doesn't want me to come around. This has obviously made things difficult for us as we have fallen in love. For now, we talk to each other on the telephone a couple of times a day, but we haven't been seeing each other over the past week while he is home. He visits his Father every other weekend who lives about 100 miles away, and we spend that time together, along with the occasional times when he spends the night at a friend's house.His Mom believes he just needs more time. We both agree that it's too soon in our relationship for him to become too attached to me, we're still getting to know each other and neither of us wants him to get hurt if things turn out to not work out. But we hope that he will eventually realize that I am a nice guy and that we both want the same thing, for his mom to be happy. The thing is this is new ground for us. My step-children were very young when I met my ex-wife, and this is my girlfriend's first relationship since her divorce. Neither one of us has any experience with getting into a relationship where a child of this age is involved. We just want to make sure we handle this the "right way", if there is such a thing. So I appreciate anyone's thoughts on all of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): By the sounds of your letter, you and this gf are doing all the right things. Does this child have contact with his bio Dad? One thing you have to remember, if this boy has not had any type of a reliable, solid fatherly role-model in his life- he may be experiencing some distrust for you. So yes, it will take time to ease yourself into his life and bond with him. The very best you can do is just "be friends" with him, due to his age. It is rarely easy for children to witness their parents dating, let alone Mom-the main custodial parent. You and your gf may be enjoying the dating process, but her son could be worrying about how the process will change his life. Some children are more possessive of their mother than others. They may feel threatened or resentful at having to share their mothers with a new bf. Remember his adjustment will take time. Be very, very patient; keep a fun sense of humor, and let the message of respect get through, in caring, subtle way until he trusts you, fully. Be willing to notice what's right--not just what's wrong. Encouragement and appreciation will help him feel optimistic, comfortable, and willing to try new things. Healthy children will always present challenges. That is part of their individuation process. Your gf may have to see you away from her house, until he accepts his Mother dating. Let him have his feelings and hopefully in time, you and he will bond. But ease into his life very slooowly. I wish you all the best of luck. Take care.
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reader, Starr +, writes (29 November 2005):
I understand to the fullest what the two of you are facing but his mother needs to sit down and talk to her son. She needs to explain to him that in life relationships do fail and we eventually get over it but that does not stop us from loving again. She needs to explain what went on in the past past relationship and explain what is different in this one. All that is needed is some enlightenment for this child. Of course he is going to be over protective about his mother especially due to past circumstances but she is the adult and I don't believe that you two should completely walk on egg shells. Just have her speak with him and give it some time,he'll be just fine.
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