A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend of 6 years is an alcoholic. We met when I was 18 and he was 20, and we've both always been social drinkers and have grown up together in the pub culture. He has always drunk maybe 6 times a week, but not enough to get drunk on most occassions.For the last couple of months however he'll drink heavily around twice a week on top of the after work 4 or so most nights, and then not pay his bills because he's spent all his money on alcohol. On three occassions now he's not come home, it simply hasn't occurred to him to let me know where he was and that he was safe. A few months ago he went on a night out and in the morning I found him on the sofa covered in vomit and with a black eye, but no recollection of how he got that way. He was supposed to be sober for November at my desperate request as an ultimatum to get his priorities sorted, but so far he's only managed 6 days in a row. What's really shaken me is the other night when I woke up to the sound of trickling liquid at 2am to find him trying to pee in the corner of the bedroom. When I confronted him he said he was looking for the bathroom, and it was like I was talking to a stranger. He's never abusive or violent to me or anyone else and he doesn't consider himself an unhappy person, I think he's just a very complex person who doesn't understand his emotions so drinks to deal with feelings.I feel like I've reached breaking point now and I need to end it, but I start a new job in 2 weeks (my dream job) and can't afford the emotional stress of a break up right now. Also financially I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country, and finding my own place just before Christmas and while transitioning into a new job just doesn't make financial sense. I've decided to give us a couple of months, if only to save up some money and buy myself some time until I'm settled in my job. Also to become more socially independent, as all my closest friends are our couple friends and I think it would be good to get used to spending time with them without him. That sounds awful, but I'd be a fool to make my life more difficult right now. Do you have any advice on how I should handle this relationship in the meantime? How much should I tell him? I really do love him, he's family to me, and I can't imagine him not in my life but I can't be with someone who loves a liquid more than he loves me. He's utterly selfish, doesn't communicate anything and has no sex drive whatsoever anymore. It's time to call it a day.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 November 2014):
 Its not fair to him to pretend everything is fine, when in reality you are already out the door, at least mentally.
What I will suggest you do is probably not moally right either, but at least its better than faking things. At what time do you think you can start looking for an apartment? Maybe january? Then tell him, you want to end the relationship, but you will give him until the end if january to see if things can be improved. Tell him in january you will be looking for a new place to live, and will move out if he has touched alcohol in this time period from her on out. No doubt he will fail and drink in this time. But at least then you gave hum a warning, and he will be made well aware of the reasons why you left.
But I must inform you that breaking up with someone is never convenient, and there will not ever be a good time for it. You are just delaying things, and you will be very busy once you start your new job, so I would suggest you end things now and be done with it before you start your new job...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): Without doubt you are making the right decision to leave.
The latest thing in London are speed-flat-hunting events, where you get to meet prospective flatmates in a similar way to speed-dating. It's set up to really speed up the whole process of flat-hunting.
I'd start looking straight away for somewhere else to live.
In the meantime, if you really have to stay for practical reasons, then I think the effort of psychologically witholdling/'packing up' will be very hard - maybe the best thing to do is to stay out as much as possible and/or if at all possible ask friends to stay as a paying lodger.
Another option is just to rent a room as a short term lodger - schemes exist for this and are usually set up for short term stays for visitors (often mature students or tutors) from abroad who just want a cheaper place to stay for one or two weeks. With a bit of internet searching I'm sure you could find something.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 November 2014):
 We can answer these questions, which you've posed:
"Do you have any advice on how I should handle this relationship in the meantime? How much should I tell him? I really do love him, he's family to me, and I can't imagine him not in my life but I can't be with someone who loves a liquid more than he loves me. He's utterly selfish, doesn't communicate anything and has no sex drive whatsoever anymore. It's time to call it a day."
1. Don't bother "handling this relationship".... It ISN'T any sort of relationship.... so just step away from it.... IMMEDIATELY.
2. Tell him "good-bye".
3. It's hard to imagine that you "love" him. I suspect that you truly believe that - if you try hard enough - you can "save" him. Leave that to Jesus... and get on with YOUR life...
4. Selfish, uncommunicative and no sex drive??? How far from "normal" or "typical" does your nightmare have to get before you wake up and say, "Enough"...????
Good luck....
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