A
female
age
,
*isa-almond
writes:I came out of a 6 year relationship with a man, to be with my current partner who I have now been with for 2 years. It was a difficult time at the beginning as I struggled to break the tie with my last boyfriend for the first 2 or three months and consequently this left my partner with insecurities.However, after approximately 6 months he asked me to move in with him and I did, hoping this would make him feel more secure and seeing that I was committed to him. I had never moved in with my previous 6 year relationship.We have now been living with each other for 18 months and he clearly has an anger problem. I have no doubt he loves me completely and would never be physical against me but his anger is causing a lot of distress. He blows up over the smallest thing, last night I forgot to include his jeans in the daily wash. These were not needed urgently but he went mad, shouting, swearing and calling me obsenities (things so offensive I would not repeat to anyone) and also throwing up the past. If I say he is being unreasonable, he tells me if I don’t like it then I should get out his house (although when he has calmed down he says this is the last thing he would ever want and he just says it in anger).I have told him this makes me feel very insecure and makes it difficult for me to think of his house as a home when he does this. I love him totally but as a very placid person am finding it difficult to cope with his anger. I know if I left, I would not go back as I can’t bear to have a relationship where I would be backwards and forwards each time we had a row. As it stands at the moment, I know the slightest thing will trigger his anger.Help!
View related questions:
insecure, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Distractedtime  +, writes (16 September 2008):
If you love yourself, move on!He needs help.You dont.You dont need to be treated like a child.Grow up!Figure out what kind of relationship you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Leave him. He's no good for you. You might even get "accidentally murdered " then plead temporary insanity.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 February 2008):
 This is HIS problem and he needs to address it. Insist that he gets some anger management therapy or you will leave. If he does, great but if he refuses or make excuses you have no choice but to walk. This kind of problem usually escalates and you don't want to live walking on eggshells around a minefield.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lisa-almond +, writes (26 February 2008):
Lisa-almond is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dr Pete. You have hit the nail on the head with some of your comments, especially the part about perhaps his anger problems are about control or rejection. His mother left the family home when he was very young and he (understandably) still feels bitter about this.You are right also about not learning how to cope but getting it sorted out. Your reply was very helpful and has given me food for thought.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008):
What an awful situation for you. You seem to put at least some of the cause of his anger on the start of your relationship. Maybe the messy breakup of the 6 year relationship could cause some insecurity in a new partner, but not in this case, so don't blame yourself - especially when he puts the blame on you whilst he is having one of his outbursts; there is a huge difference between insecurity and signs of anger and someone who has problems dealing and managing their emotions.
Is his anger problems about control and rejection? It sounds like your partner has deeper anger issues that were there long before you started dating him, by blaming you and threatening to take away your home it's very indicative of his own problems.
How do you cope with his anger problems? I'm not sure you can cope when someone is being so violent. It is not coping that you want, it is sorting it out. A partner can never sort out such emotional imbalance; he needs a professional for that. And emotional problems aren't sorted out over time - these things happen slowly, bit by bit, as he is able to piece together why he acts the way he does, and go on to be able to react in the right way, the next time something challenging presents itself.
If he can see his faults, get professional help and you are in the relationship for the long-haul then stick with it, but don't think that just by sticking around and being supportive or loving that it will change anything; he will just get worse, and you will eventually start to loose your own confidence and belief in yourself.
You come across a strong thinker who knows when enough is enough. I hope he can be the same and make the right decisions. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
...............................
|
