A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear readers,I feel that my life is in a mess at the moment, both personally in romantic relationships, "freindships" and in my college work.I am studying an animal related course which is incredibly difficult, it's a very difficult course but I am trying my best to get through it.My class group is mainly all women except for two guys. My issue here is that in my own group of "friends" there is a lot of back-stabbing, talking behind each other's backs and being best friends then even though they seem to destest each other at times. It's hard to know who to trust, I feel like I am stuck with them though, because we are halfway through our course and the groups in the class are already formed.They continually, consciously leave me out of social things they're doing, yet they come to me to sort out things for them with our lecturers. It seems that they only want me when they want something and don't bother with me much after that, they have included me on some nights but they're very selective about what events they choose to invite me to.Most of the time I don't address it because I don't want them to know that I have a problem with it, for fear of being completley isolated and alone in the class.I would love to just say what I need to say and part ways with them, but I have another few months left to go, about 3-4 months of college with them and I don't know how to cope with being totally alone and isolated, I do talk to other people in the class, and there are some I would like to be more friendly with, but groups generally aren't changing at this late stage of the course. There has been arguments and horrible spats in the group but I always do my best to keep out of it and stay quiet and not take sides.I have been good to these people, going out of my way to go to things with them when no one else would, only for them to turn around and stop including me in these activities after.There's only been a few occassions where I've stood up for myself and I think I made an impact, because they didn't expect my anger and for me to stand up and actually point out that they did something wrong.I just don't know how to handle this situation, basically they only ever make an effort with me when they want something, and I want to tell them all what I think of them, they are all two-faced, selfish users, with no concern for anyone but themselves, but I want to leave the group but I don't want to be isolated either.Also I found out that a guy that I dated, which finished a year ago, whom is also a student in the same college, I loved him and it didn't end very good and there was a lot of un-finished business between us both, but I found out a few weeks ago that he chose to be in a porn movie, which ruined his career and nearly his life at the time. What really hurts me is that all through the time I was with him, he never told me about it, I had to find out another way. After I found out, I confronted him as to why he never told me and he said "it was in the past" but I still loved him even though I hadn't properly spoken to him in a few months. I see him most days in the college, I am trying to move on from it and put it behind me, but it's difficult when you see the person almost every day.My college work has also been suffering because we have a lot of work and exams on top of all this.Thanks for reading, any advice given will be very much appreciated, sorry for the long post.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): Looking at the age bracket for your post, and not knowing what kind of course you are on - graduate, post grad or some other course - I don't know if you are the same age as everyone else or are slightly older, a mature student?
If so, even if you are just a few years older, it can tend to put you in this kind of role, where you act as 'carer' but are not included in everything.
Horrible as it may seem, the bitching is both a. their way of letting of steam in order to try to cope with the course b. it's also their way of bonding and relaxing together.
When you 'stay out of' things when there's trouble, this has sent out a consistent message that they cannot bond with you at the same level as one another.
I'm not for a minute saying they are right and you are wrong. Simply that this is how these kind of dynamics work.
The other thing you don't say is how prestigious your college is. Okay, it's a tough course, but does it have a very strong reputation for producing very highly skilled candidates? If so, this can also make a huge difference to the atmosphere generating amongst students, especially women. It tends to create a LOT of insecurity and competitiveness (as well as the strong need to bond by bitching) and this may be what you are facing.
In regard to what you do about this I suggest carry on as you have done. Give enough to not cause yourself any major problems but stay distant enough to not get pulled in. The course is nearly over anyway and this really is the best option. In hoping they would be different you are probably (without reaising it) identifying weaknesses in the course ethos itself, where interprersonal relationships are being affected by the way the programme is structured (ie. there's a bigger picture). Right now you've got a bit of cabin fever and want out, but you have to see it through.
Regarding the guy who starred in a porn movie. The thing that's upsetting you is why he didn't tell you when you were together? Well, he most likely realised you were worlds apart from that kind of stuff and felt totally ashamed and embarassed to lose you over something like that. Again, it's not something I'm condoning, I'm just saying that's the way it is.
There's a commonality between the ex partner and the other students. You sound like a nice person whose not fitted in and has become a tad judgemental both about the way that they seem AND that they won't "let you in". Unless you're prepared to be like them OR stop judging people entirely then it won't change. Again, without knowing the other information - what course it is and what kind of college it is, I honestly can't assess whether it is you being overly judgemental or whether you are responding in a healthy way to a particularly intense dynamic created by the course.
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