A
male
age
36-40,
*anonmoon
writes:Hello All,Need your help urgently on a matter.I am 28 and my gf is 31 and we have a relationship of 3 years that is not approved by either her family or mine as we have different religions.All through 2013 we have been having problems and my gf broke up with me in Sep.In first week of dec i convinced her that we should give our relationship a try.We had sex and she took a morning after pill which obviously failed and now she is 4 weeks pregnant.At this stage in my life I am not very well settled and neither is our relationship. I want some time to get settled and get married, build our nest then have a baby.But my girlfriend is refusing an abortion and I am trying my best to convince her. I dont think we are ready for a child now, i want to marry her and be with her but I dont think right now is the time for it. I am not a coward and not trying to run away from my responsibility. I dont think right now I am in the situation to have a child.How do i convince her. Please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): Anon male I'm a guy, guess what I do when I don't want to make a girl pregnant, wear a condom and pull out, so I don't ejaculate inside her. It's foolproof trust me.
So you see we do have that choice.
The fact that he chose to cum inside a woman means he has to accept the consequences of doing so which a some of the time is pregnancy.
I'm not perfect, I have had scares and I have had to rely on the woman to take the morning after pill more than once, but guess what? If she chose not to, if she decided to get pregnant by me then I'd accept those consequences because I exercised my choice and the choice I made was to risk impregnation.
That is the last time I have a say in the matter and I know it.
I can make feelings clear, but no woman will be "convinced" if she really wants to keep the child.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Odds of getting shot during one spin of Russian Roulette: 16.6%
Odds of the average condom user becoming pregnant during a single year: 12%
DO the math. If relying on condoms alone, the average male who starts having sex on his 18th birthday has a 1-in-3 chance of getting someone pregnant BEFORE HE IS EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO BUY A BEER. Never mind trying to avoid pregnancy until he gets married, which is often a full decade after turning 18.
Compared to women, men have very little control over their choice to be parents.
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A
female
reader, Maccy3  +, writes (30 December 2013):
You can't. It's her body and her call. It sucks to be a man in this situation and your reasons for wanting to wait are perfectly valid. But all you can do is make your case and respect her choice. What you need to do is sit down and calmly plot out what you want and how to deal with each scenario. If a baby is coming into your life yes it will be a huge change and very scary - but people cope. Babies are born into difficult circumstances every day. You can deal with it. You just have to accept it and find the way to make the best. The worst thing you can do is let panic over rule your common sense. Consider all options and find out what your girlfriends plans are - is she planning on keeping the child and raising it herself? Work out how to make the best of the situation for yourself and then work in what she needs. You need to be open to all the options.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 5this is going to get this question closed but to the last poster (anonymous male)
he has voiced his opinion and she said NO.... what else would you suggest he do?
men who do not wish to be parents can wear CONDOMS
she took the morning after pill (which I consider NOT BC but rather for emergencies)
what else would you have had this woman do to prevent the pregnancy.. and yes for men who wanna play and not PAY an unplanned pregnancy with a woman who does not wish an abortion or adoption is tragic for them... but it's a risk you take.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): I think some of you Agony Aunts have missed the difference between persuading and forcing. The OP has never indicated that he wants to do anything other than persuade his GF not to carry this baby. (I know, you naturally just ASSUMED the man would be acting like an insensitive controlling ^^^^ole in this situation . . . )It's 2014 and men still don't have the right to a sex life without becoming a parent against their will (like women do). But I think we have the right to voice our opinions about it.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 Either stay with her and take care of your family or leave and take your time waiting to be ready but don't force her to have an abortion. No is no so leave it at that
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): All you can do is outline your feelings, why you feel that way and hope she sees your side of things and that's it.
If you've already done that and she's decided to keep the baby then there is nothing you can do to convince her.
manonmoon if she's decided she wants this child then she will have it and you must be prepared for that.
The last say you had on the matter was conception, if you weren't ready then you should have made sure you didn't impregnate her, it's not hard to do at all. My point is, that's the last time you had a say in what happens and you chose to take the risk. Time to live with that decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): "Well how can she convince you to be castrated so this doesn't happen again?"That was completely uncalled for. The GF didn't want to get pregnant either and it doesn't sound like she was raped. It took both of them. The OP isn't asking how to force her into an abortion, he is asking how to persuade her. Don't make him into something he is not just because he dares to disagree with her about this. Men have the right to want a sex life too, we just don't have the same rights to control our reproduction that women do. Only one method of birth control is available to us, its NOT EVEN CLOSE to being as reliable as the ones women have, and neither men or women prefer it when its not a necessity.Women must get the controlling vote on the abortion decision. That is understandable. But its not grounds to bash a man just because he strongly disagrees with her about it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2013):
Well how can she convince you to be castrated so this does not occur again?
She can't can she? RIGHT... and YOU cannot CONVINCE her or FORCE her to have an abortion.
You have a few choices.
Man up and marry her now. You already said you want to marry her and have a child with her but sometimes you just CAN'T control the order of things. KNOWING you love her and want to marry her makes this easy. Just alter your time table and accept that sometimes your plans are not yours...
WALK away from her emotionally and just financially support your child with her. SINCE you love her and want to marry her this seems rather foolish.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 Your girlfriend doesn't want to have an abortion so you trying to convince her is just adding stress she doesn't need.
Instead of wasting time badgering her, I suggest you use these coming months to get ready.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 December 2013):
You can't convince her. It's her choice, and her's alone. More to the point, if she did have an abortion, she'd probably resent you for it, and you'd lose her anyway.
Work out the maths, get ready to work hard and stand by her and do your duty. You don't have another choice.
For what it's worth, it appears to me that there's never a right time to have a baby anyway. They come along when they're ready, and this one appears ready. Step up, stand by her, and whilst it might be difficult right now, it'll get easier. It's better than trying to make her do something she doesn't want to, and her then resenting you for it.
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