A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for over 7 yrs. He has cheated on me once, early in the relationship when it was not 'exclusive' but it hurt me a lot. About 6 months after that I went through his phone and found lots of intimate messages between him and several female friends, inc the one he'd slept with. (none of which pointed to him cheating at the time, although I can't of course be certain). He went ballistic when I confronted him, accusing me of invading his privacy. We've both been going thru a difficult time with various stuff over the past few years but seemed to be getting closer and closer and he tells me he loves me all the time and is demonstrative. I know as a result of childhood issues he craves love and attention, altho he doesn't always show this. Today I had an opportunity to go thru his emails and did. He has clearly been seeing someone, at least up to a couple of months ago, and it is/was clearly both physical and emotionally intense. If I confront him he will go mad, accusing me of invading his privacy again but I don't know how I can keep a lid on this either or pretend like everything is ok (we have a very physically active relationship). I really don't know what to do and I gave up a lot to be with him, which does not mean that I would just stay with someone because of that. I don't believe you can or should hold on to someone who does not want be where they are and am prepared to be on my own if needs be but I don't want to move on (which will be messy as we have chldren, a shared home, accounts and so on) without having an honest discussion. If we do ever speak about problems, he flips it on to me, referring to male friends/acquaintances and I am pretty certain that he will do this no matter how I bring this up. Any ideas please? I would be really grateful ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): His method of dealing with this is extremely unimpressive: turning the tables on you, establishing a totally warped set of relationship parameters by adopting the position that YOU invading his privacy by reading his e-mails is a greater crime against your relationship than HIM f***ing other women. It isn't. Do not let him get away with this.
You need to get the rules straight. You say that earlier on, there was a stage where the relationship was not exclusive i.e. perhaps you both slept with other people and he now sees this as a green light to do exactly as he pleases. Fact is, if he's at some stage agreed on a faithful relationship with you, he has no right to violate this agreement, but if he does (as people do, all the time) he owes it to you to at least discuss it honestly so you can decide where to go from here.
I'm also unnerved by the fact that you seem positively afraid of confronting him, and scared of his reaction. He's the cheater, you're the wronged party, and YOU'RE afraid to bring it up? Sounds familiar, but very definitely not healthy. What exactly does him 'going ballistic' involve?
A
female
reader, unknown goddess +, writes (31 July 2009):
create an email in a fake name, get some pictures off google of a gorgeous woman and flirt with him. after 2-3 weeks of chatting through email and swapping pictures, arrange to meet up for sex. and go and meet him. then he cant lie. hes caught in the act. and really have evidence cz he will try and get out of it so swap naked pictures (of him and "you") and have dirty convos and keep all of them saved in ur fake email inbox.
hope i've helped.x
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