A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been going thru a rough patch the last year, he accused me of cheating on him ended it with me. We desided to work things out after that I found he was chatting with girls on match.com and even tried to meet with them. We went on vacation and just before we left he was contacting a girl on match.com. I told him about it later and he turned it all on me. The I found him talking dirty to ex girlfriends on facebook. I got him to admit it and he closed the account but continued to blame me. Things looked like they were getting better but I found an e-mail that he had sent to his job that was for an exotic massage pallor. Shortly after that $60 dollars went missing that he refused to admit to. I just found the address to this place in his GPS.I know if I say something to him he will blow up and blame me for everything taking no blame for himself. On a side note our sex life is great so he has no excuse for looking elsewhere. I love my husband and want to make it work but I can't keep my mouth shut much longer. Any suggestions on how to go about talking to him about this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Umm...men don't like confrontations, talking, and all that stuff. You say your sex life is good, then why is he venturing out? You say you love him, so looks like you just need to look the other way when he gets his "massages". I say kick him out.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Hi there. He might be going through a midlife crisis.
This is a time in a man's life where he starts to question his self-worth and wonder if he is still attractive or not.
It can also happen if a man feels that his life is not the way he would like it to be. Perhaps he feels that life is passing him by somehow, and a feeling of unfulfilled dreams.
We can all have those feelings from time to time.
It sounds like you need to sit down with him, and have a talk about how he feels about his life and your marriage.
You need to ask him, if he is happy, and what is it that makes him unhappy right now.
If he is having any casual flings with other women, it might not be about the sex at all, but more that he is looking for something that he feels is missing in his life.
So in talking to him about your marriage, don't even mention that you suspect he might be cheating. It serves no purpose at all. It will only make him angry because he will feel you are accusing him. He might not be.
Quite often what is missing in people's lives, is fun and excitement. Perhaps his life feels like all work and no play. Outside of work, maybe he just sits and watches tv for hours on end. He probably feels there should be more to life than that.
It is often in the mid 30's to late 40's and even 50's that people start to have all these big questions about their lives. It can be very unsettling, that's for sure.
I suspect that this is what he is feeling at the moment.
It's not really about sex, affairs, or chatting online. It's all about not having enough fun and living a purposeful life. This seems to be what he lacks.
He's trying to fill a gap in his life. He needs to go looking for what that missing thing is.
He needs to find a reason to get out of bed each morning, something that's personally satisfying to him and brings him joy. Does he have any hobbies or interests?
If he can find some interesting, fun activities to fill his free time (fishing, golf, surfing, creative pursuits), the gap in his life will be filled once and for all.
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