A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so basically I did the wrong thing and snooped and looked at my boyfriend of just over a years emails. I had a feeling back in January there was something to worry about when he was constantly getting messages late at night and we had one problem in the past where a girl from his past sent him a naked photo. I forgave him for this as he swore black and blue she was interested in him and he had nothing to do with it. Anyway, he never checks his emails and the ones from back in January were still in there. The ones from facebook that had such and such has sent you a message were there. There were two days where this girl and him were having a very explicit conversation about sex, what they would do to each other and talked about her coming to visit and them going out without me (she was interstate). He even let her insult me.... At the end of the messages he asked for her mobile number and thats where facebook messages stopped but obviously where the texting began. Anyway, this stopped in March and since then I really truly felt like we were so close, I had no cause for concern, he was so much closer and always told me he loved me and just a million times more caring and loving. Now I've found this I don't know what to do because I clearly did the wrong thing by looking but I really wanna talk about it but I don't know how. I don't know whether to annonymously email myself as tho its coming from some other girl with things they said to each other and then confront him from that angle about some girl sending me the email about what he'd done. I'm just really lost, upset and have a huge knot in my stomach and constantly feel ill about it. Would appreciate help from anyone!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Are you guys kidding me? What he did is unforgivable.
Of course, snooping isn't exactly the right thing to do either, but I can't say I haven't done that. I've actually been in a similar situation; I thought I was in love with the guy which I now realize was COMPLETELY crazy... a few people below me have said that "love conquers all"- well if he loved you he never would've done that, would he?
You deserve a lot better. Everyone does. I don't care who you are; if your boyfriend does this to you, you should get out of it. That's unacceptable.
I won't tell you how to run your life but it's just my opinion. Since dumping my ex-boyfriend who did things like this, I've been much happier. I even met someone a lot better!
Good luck! x
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 He probably went off the highway and later discovered that it was a dead end. Now that he is back on the highway , he has learned a valuable lesson and found a new and deeper meaning of love and appreciation for you .
Sometimes , it takes an incident like this to show them what they have missed in their relationship.
No one is perfect and there are always temptations in life. It is a black mark in his life and everyone make mistakes.
He has learned his lessons and bringing it up will not serve any purpose but only for your ego or vanities.
It is like digging at the scar which has healed and pouring salt on it.
You can forgive him with your heart because you can do everything in love.Love conquers all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): Thanks for all the information. I think its helped just actually writing down everything and hearing peoples responses. At this stage I'm willing to try to forgive and put it behind me and move forward without bringing it up. It's going to be hard but I truely believe that something in his mind has changed in the last few months. I don't know whether its that he takes the relationship more seriously now, or has actually properly fallen in love with me, or realises what he did was wrong and is truly guilty about it. I don't want to destroy what we have at the moment for something that happened months ago. So for now, I'll let sleeping dogs lie. But if I ever find out about anything else I will be out of the relationship as quick as anything. Thanks again guys!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (29 May 2010):
Before you want to confront him about it, you will have to decide if this info will build up your relationship or will it tear it down.
Do you want to build up or tear down your relationship?
Whatever happened in the past, it is gone and there is nothing you can do about it.
You need to accept the reality and move on .What is important is the present.
It is better to leave those sleeping dogs alone because if you lay with them , you will get up with the fleas.
There will be more questions than answers and you will be more troubled by more revelations.
Focus your mind on the present and on your priorities in life than to go back in time to dig up all those dirt's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): I understand the disappointment you feel, discovering your bf has been lying all along is very unsettling. He wasnt loyal to you or honest. Give him a chance though. Ask him again what happened with that girl. And say you want complete honesty. He may come clean and explain it truthfully this time. If he does you will still feel hurt but atleast you will know hes changed and being honest now. And you wont have to worry about telling him you oread the emails! But if he lies again, just tell him you know hes not speaking the truth, because you checked his emails. He can hardly be angry when he did much worse.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (29 May 2010):
Regardless if you were snooping and discovered this, obviously you had reason to snoop. So basically your boyfriend is a liar and cheat. If I were you and discovered all this, I'd probably feel pretty sick to my stomach. Especially him letting that skank insult you...wtf!? Do you really even want to stay with this guy?
Definitely don't take the route of trying to catch him in the act by pretending to be someone else. I think you should be honest, just say something along the lines of, "Some of the things that happened in the past has still been on my mind (late night phone calls) and you will probably be upset by this, but I checked your email and found those emails between you and (her name)." Then just go from there. He'll probably try and turn it around on your about how you never trust him and blah blah blah. But whatever, I think you should straight up tell him and dump his ass. But that's just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 He will bust you out on it if you try the emailing yourself approach. If you want to confront him you have to think up a better plan than that, but in the end the truth will always come out. This speaks of untrust in your relationship. What he did was wrong, but by the sounds of it you have forgiven already and want to move on. You just want it out in the open. May I ask you what for? What is it that you will achieve by talking about this? If he shows you so much more love now, maybe he realized that what he did was wrong and felt guilty, thereby being so much more loving towards you.
Or maybe he cheated and was guilty.. Either way, take your stance first. Have you forgiven and want to forget, or do you want to run a crucification and thereby also let him know that you snooped?
One last thing, how did you get into his account? Did you hack it or did he leave it open? The snooping issue becomes more serious if you actually hacked your way through his password...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): i don't think you need to make up anything or lie about anything to show him that you know what has been going on, i mean you are worried and nervous as a girlfriend but you didn't want to ask him or talk about it and just make him pissed if maybe he hadn't have done anything. but i know that ya'll have been going out for a long time but this isn't the first time this has happened, its the 2nd or maybe the 3rd or 4th and if thier is no trust in a relationship then thier is no relationship at all! you are getting to the age of maybe thinking about marriage and you need to have full 100% trust to a guy and this guy doesn't have it. but if you want to stay with him really bad i would break up with him and if he wants you back after that i would make him work that trust back up over a long period of time. becasue you can not just sit around and let this pass becasue it will keep happening. and you need to talk to this girl and let her know that she needs to back off, in a mature way
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (29 May 2010):
 OK, so you took a less-than-honest way of discovering his cheating. I'm wondering if you had his password or he left his computer on that allowed you to actually see all these messages...
No matter -- seriously. I think it doesn't really matter how you got the info, you've got it. I think that you should own up to your (so called) snooping, but shift the issue to what really matters here -- all the sexual messages he traded with this woman.
There might be one reason to bury this discovery though -- if you truly believe that you and your boyfriend have a relationship worth saving (or keeping), then perhaps you should (try to) forget it.
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