A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 17 and have been living with my mama and stepdad 4 about 13 yearz. he isnt sexually abusive but he is abusive in every other way. i hate him. cant wait till next febuary so i can move out and although he has resentfully provided 4 me financially i still hate him. everynight i get nightmares and anxiety attacks cause i have so much anger towards black men especially... but now i really wanna meet and see my biological dad but im afraid he will wanna begin a father daughter relationship with me but thats not what i want. i just wanna meet him. im not keen on starting a dad daughter relationship cause i believe, im a woman now or i at least dress like im 20 something so im scared he will eventually desire me if i get too close to him. am i right to think that? please understand i dont trust men Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh i forgot to mention that im black myself, and im not judging "my kind" or anything. but 60 percent of the men i know are black. and outta them i think 60 percent are abusive and horried... and my biological dad is also black... he has been wanting to meet for like 9 yearz but my mama said he should be patient and let us choose if we wanna meet him. oh and he didnt leave us as such, they broke up and my mama met my current dad aka stepdad.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 Go meet your biological father but do not give him too much personal info until you know what type of man he is. You may not have any emotional attachments to him anyway.
I think your biological father would be very glad to meet up with you again.
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A
male
reader, BGP 88  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 I do understand that you don't really trust men, but you shouldn't judge every man on how your step dad behaves. Every man is different and should be treated that way, just as every person, whether it be male, female, or people of different ethnicities should be treated individually. So, in the same way you shouldn't treat him differently because he is black. I am a white, British male and I am hoping that my point of view will matter to you. I agree with chigirl (previous comment) that if your real father wanted to contact you, would he have left it this long? but at the same time, we don't know how hard this was for him. You didn't leave too much detail about why he wants to see you now etc, which I understand as it may be hurtful, but I still believe that your father, no matter how long it has been, would not desire you in that way. I think you should go for it. I don't think just meeting him is an option. Sure, it may solve the curiosity, but I'm certain you'll still feel like something is missing afterwards. Depending on the reasons of his leaving you as a child, you should go for it. Obviously though, this is up to you. My advice though, is to meet him and see what he is like. If he is really nice, then why not start a bit of a father-daughter relationship? maybe see eachover every couple weeks.
Anyway, best of luck to you and I hope everything turns out well for you. And ignore your step dad, he obviously doesn't see what a sweet girl you are :) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUhm wow thank u, u really have opened my eyes. Yeah he has tried contacting us (My sister and i) but my mama wouldnt let him cause she said it would have to be a secret from the stepdad. cause my mama said she didnt wanna teach us to be busy with two men, especially secretively. and apparently my dad understood and said that he didnt want hoochie daughterz and that when we are all grown up we can contact him and he is willing to be our father. so yeah perhaps my judgement was wrong. thanx 4 the advice, really!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 If he wanted a relationship with you, why hasn´t your biological father tried to contact you sooner? Were you adopted by your step dad? In that case your step dad isn't really your step dad, and if you weren´t adopted your father is still your father, right? So yes he might want to have a father-daughter relationship with you. And maybe thats JUST what you need. You are afraid he will desire you, if in a father-daughter relationship that should not occur. So why are you so hesitant to have that connection with him? Why do you want him to see you as something other than his daughter?
If you are not ready to meet him as his daughter, perhaps you shouldn't meet him at all, because the risk is there that he will continue to stay in touch and want a relationship to you. Then again I wonder, if thats what he wants, why hasn't he contacted you years ago..?
If you want to see him and not have a father-daughter relationship, try and make it clear that you are only interested in meeting him, for the time being, and perhaps if the meeting goes well you will meet again. And perhaps you will just meet once and that's it. It depends a little on what he wants as well.
Build up your trust in men though. They are not evil. There are some rotten eggs out there, but there are plenty of untrustworthy women too, so try not to judge men too harshly. It is more of a human characteristic to have a bad character than it is a male characteristic. You just have to learn how to recognize the good ones and bad ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): you should meet him just to set your own spirits to rest. if you clarify that you're his daughter, i doubt he'll start "desiring" you. really. not all men are evil.
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