A
male
age
30-35,
*ason221
writes:OK here's the storyA few weeks ago I found out my girlfriend was still talking to her ex.Her ex, who we'll call ken, goes to school about 40 min. away and my gf and I attend the same one. I met my gf at the beginning of summer and she always brought him over and was constantly with him and they were 'just friends' at the time. Once school started and he was out of the picture, we began dating casually. Suddenly he asked her to date him again and she said no obviously, and for about a week he pummeled her with 30 txts/calls per day, but she didn't completely ignore them. He had actually stalked her a couple of times and I got sick of it and told her to END IT that it was enough and to stop playing his games if she wanted to be serious with me and be my girlfriend. She did and I thought it was overSIDE NOTE: Over the next couple of weeks she told me while they were dating he gave her a black eye once and cheated on her several times.A couple of weeks later, while laying in bed one night, she received a text from him and i read it and said, What's ken have to say, in a somewhat stern voice. She didn't know I saw what the text read and she proceeded to lie and say he randomly texted her again. But the contents hinted otherwise, and it was obvious she initiated the conversation. She never told me what they were talking about (only lied and said something so incredibly stupid it was almost offensive to me). Anyway I told her how uncomfortable it made me feel and how we haven’t been dating long and it wasn’t a good indicator that she still talked to someone who physically and emotionally abused her. She vowed not to talk to him at all and deleted his number (Not the strongest move to end an old relationship, but she said she’d call her phone company the next day and have them block him, she didn’t.)A couple of weeks later I notice that shes been deleting texts often and awkwardly hiding her phone when she receives texts. So at a given opportunity when I was in her room alone, I logged onto her facebook and reinforced my paranoia and found she has been talking to him. She deleted the conversations, but I found a couple sent messages by searching which weren’t deleted with everything else. I would never do this, and I feel like I want to confront her about it but feel it would show her I distrust her and its not a good idea if I want to make this last, which I do.Another factor that lead me to do this was that she has a LOT of guy friends, and is somewhat flirty. I know this because over the summer she would send me somewhat promiscuous texts while we were still friends, and I later found out she was sending them to my roommate at the same time. Anyway,with her guy friends she would always initiate / receive texts from guys and have them over and I never said anything cause I figured ‘I’m being paranoid, they’re just friends’ but I got tired of sucking it up because I’m a guy and I know how I would perceive texts from a hot girl asking me to come over. I stopped sucking it up after we came back from our 1 month anniversary dinner, where 2 random dudes she invited came over. I was clearly pissed, but held it in until they left and we were alone. She said she realizes she does have a lot of guy friends and she is flirty and that I’m the only one she needs. Problem solved, I guess.After all this though, I feel like she hasn’t changed and she is just covering it up now. I’m getting sick of it, I hate being paranoid and its tearing me up because I feel like I’ve done all I can. How do I confront her about the ex boyfriend thing at least? I’m still hoping I see her get a text from him again so I can figure out if I should end it or try to repair it again.
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anniversary, facebook, flirt, her ex, roommate, stalking, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): I am going to say this and I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings. Be a man! Grow a pair. This chick is walking all over you and you are letting her. She knows all she has to say is "I'm sorry" and you'll forgive her. I know this because I was in your exact same shoes. You are a nice decent guy. All you want is the same loyalty and respect she gives you. But she was used to the single life. The breakup doesn't have to be messy. Make it short and sweet. "I know you are still talking to your ex boyfriend. Don't insult my intelligence by denying it because I will prove it to your face. I have tried countless times to salvage our relationship because I know deep down you are an amazing woman. But I don't deserve to be treated this way. I have nothing but respect for you, but you obviously don't respect me. And if that's the case then I deserve better. Good luck with the ex boyfriend that cheated on you and abused you. I hope you someday find the courage and wisdom to realize what is good for you. But I can't wait around for that." that's it. Practice it, tell her you have something to say and you don't want a response from her until you are completely done. But mean it. If you say this in a manly way, not mean or asshole-ish, but firm and controlled; walk away. It will take guts. But I promise if you do this right. She will be calling you within hours or a day or two at most. First she will be mad and lash out. But once that dies down, she will realize what you said is true and try to get you back. Don't take her back. Make her work for it. Then after a while, tell her you will only try it again if she is serious. And that at the first sign of trouble you are out. Good luck. Trust me.
A
male
reader, jason221 +, writes (21 October 2010):
jason221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRicemonster- thanks very much for your answer. I value your advice and plan on using it to make the right changes. Cheer
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A
male
reader, jason221 +, writes (21 October 2010):
jason221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers! How would you propose that I break it off though? I feel like if I had an out again, i.e. catching her txting, so that it doesn't seem inappropriate, then I would. Shes also told me on a couple of occasions that she sees our relationship as a long term thing, but I don't know if its true or not,or whether its just her way of keeping me comfortable so that she isn't the one getting hurt. The reason I think this is because it was said early (only been dating for a month and a half) and 'I Love you' came around 2 weeks. Another tough thing about a breakup is that our groups of friends have become intertwined and I don't want it to be awkward or messy... does that mean I should break up with her without confrontation about the ex boyfriend and stay friends? or break up with a confrontation?
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 There are two issues here: 1) your distrust of her and 2) her deception.
Branching off your distrust, you compromised the trust factor of the relationship and went into her private emails. I don't know about you, but for me, no matter how paranoid or how distrusting I have become, I would never break into my lover's account to confirm my suspicions. If I had a problem with my lover and it was seemingly not repairable, I would leave her telling her I can no longer trust someone who tries to deceive me with lies upon lies or at the very least, unable to openly communicate with me and solve our issues together.
As for her deception, as I mentioned above, your relationship with her is at the start. So losing her is not a big deal. If she chooses to deceive you and create unnecessary worry and paranoia, then she will need to face the consequences of such actions - eg: losing you.
A possible solution: do NOT confront her about the Facebook break-in. Please rebuild some pride and hold onto any principles left to not stoop to those levels again. Instead, confront her about the ex and talk to her about your paranoia and how it's driving you away.
I also suggest you tell her you need some time away. Do this, if you are willing to let her go in the possibility of a break up. Try not to hold onto to superficial feelings. Think about the long term and how it's affecting you now.
Remember: humans learn from past deeds. If your relationship now is building so much distrust, it is also possible that your paranoia can get carried over to your next.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): End it now. She isn't truthful and can't be trusted.
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