A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i love 2 guys as much as the other,i know i cant carry on like this but i don't want to be on my own either,i know it isn't fair on any ov them or myself. they both know about each other and i feel suffocated as they both want 2 be with me, i love these 2 guys an cant bear the thought ov being without any ov them,im cracking up, please help xxxxxxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Hello again Anonymous,
Okay - so your ex cheated on you. Were you two able to work things out or is this the reason you are no longer together? This man seems to be good apart from this one flaw, am I right? You say that he is sorry, that he loves you, and he even helped raise your daughter. Every couple goes through their share of rocky times, you know? I'm not saying that it was okay for him to cheat, I'm more or less asking if you think this is one of those rocky times. If it is, and you two have solved it then maybe it would be best to stay with this guy who you already have a history with, who you care about, and who seems to already be in your daughter's life. Have you two attended couples counseling? I think that maybe if you stay together, you may want to consider doing this, as there seems to maybe be some trust issues to overcome. Then again, I may be completely wrong.
As for the new guy - he seems very nice, as well. The only thing I'm wondering is if you think he's that great because he's someone new. The freshness of the relationship might be more exciting and "comfortable" than the actual person who you are seeing. Do you think this is the case? In my opinion, three months is not a long time to get to know someone. Especially if you have your daughter to consider. Do you know who would be a better father figure? Does this man seem like he would be 100% dedicated to you and not run off like the other one did?
You're right, this does seem like a hard decision for you to make. You make good arguments for staying with each of these men. I'm not really sure I have any sound advice for you about this, but I will tell you what I would do if I were in your situation (and without knowing all of the details):
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My ex, even though he cheated on me, seems to be a big part of my family life. It seems he is really sorry and would like to try and work things out again. Perhaps we could go to counseling together which shouldn't be a problem if we truly *want* to work things out. Either counseling, or at least have long in-depth discussions about what happened and what will happen in our next try at things.
Other than the cheating, my ex was a wonderful partner. I still care for him and he loves me back. He also has a pretty deep relationship with my daughter since he me helped raise her. We all seem to have bonded as a family and I think that a family should try to stick it out together...
Relationships always have their tough times, but I believe in trying unless it becomes an unhealthy situation - emotional or physical abuse, complete lack of affection, etc. Since I have so much history with my ex, I think I'm going to give it another shot. Especially since I have only known the other man for three months. It's better to cut it off now than to get more attached, which would make it harder to break off in the future.
If the relationship does not work after giving it another shot, it's not the end of the world. It just means that I need to find someone who is better suited to be my partner and to be a father figure for my daughter.
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So that is basically how I would choose between these men.
*******But, you know, if you decide to be single I think that would be the best decision for you at this point. I would tell your ex and the new guy that you simply are not ready to make a choice and you'd like to casually keep seeing each one in a non-exclusive relationship. Lots of people date around, it's not an uncommon thing to do. There's no reason why you should feel forced into picking between two guys when you really aren't quite sure what you want. I think it may just end up making your situation worse.
I know how hard this is for you - I've been in your situation before (but I don't have a daughter). I ended up picking the new guy and it didn't work. By the time that relationship ended, but ex felt so mangled by me that he had moved on. But in the end, that was for the best because down the road a couple of years I met my now-husband. ^_^ Maybe the same will happen with you!
Hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): to be honist it sounds like u dont deserve eather of these men but it was right off u to tell them about each other that was honist i dont understand that u are going thro a dilema but i think if u need to decide that means that nether of them are suted
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell hi there, thank u both very much 4 ur responce to my very big problem, i feel that i must point out the fact that it is not an attention thing that has got me gripped on both these guys and that it is very true ov me.
i have waighed these guys up time an time again, 1 is my ex ov 2 years and the other i have been wiv for 3 months whom im very fond ov, we got together after i split from my ex who i left for cheating on me, he is very sorry and i belive him, i know this guy, trust me.
i know i will be truely gudded 4ever and wounder weather i made the rite choice.
3 months isn't long i know but i feel i know him so much, he is so genuin, onest and so affectionat.
my ex is sum wot ov the opersit 2 him although i know he loves me.he did every thing for me and helped me bring my daughter up who now loves him 2 bits. i know the more senible option for me but its difficult because the both have their own good qualitys.
i know i will loose then both if i let this go on but still i cant make up my mind, i change it everyday xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell hi there, thank u both very much 4 ur responce to my very big problem, i feel that i must point out the fact that it is not an attention thing that has got me gripped on both these guys and that it is very true ov me.
i have waighed these guys up time an time again, 1 is my ex ov 2 years and the other i have been wiv for 3 months whom im very fond ov, we got together after i split from my ex who i left for cheating on me, he is very sorry and i belive him, i know this guy, trust me.
i know i will be truely gudded 4ever and wounder weather i made the rite choice.
3 months isn't long i know but i feel i know him so much, he is so genuin, onest and so affectionat.
my ex is sum wot ov the opersit 2 him although i know he loves me.he did every thing for me and helped me bring my daughter up who now loves him 2 bits. i know the more senible option for me but its difficult because the both have their own good qualitys.
i know i will loose then both if i let this go on but still i cant make up my mind, i change it everyday xxx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (15 May 2007):
 The answer is very simple - if you cannot decide instantly between them then neither is really suitable so why sell yourself short by settling for half measures? The stronger thing to do is to be single for a while, work out what you like without the distraction of men competing for your attention and stop worrying about being alone - being single has to be better than being caught up in a love triangle.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (15 May 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
Well, it's good that they both know about each other and both know that you are not in an exclusive relationship with either one of them. I just had to tell you that because it seems pretty rare that people are as honest as you when it comes to relationships.
Okay - so how do you choose? My very first thought is that if you were "meant" to be with either one of them, you would know in a heartbeat who to choose. My gut feeling is that maybe you aren't "meant" to be with either. But I know that's not what you want to hear, so here is my suggestion:
Write down the positives and negatives of being with both of these guys. See who is the better fit - who do you mesh better with? I'm not saying to only think about things like "Jeff makes me laugh, but Bob is really deep." I'm saying to also think about the more important things like:
-- Who is willing to be a shoulder for you to cry on through rought times?
-- Who supports you in big decisions that you make in your life?
-- Who are you comfortable telling anything in the world to? And who won't judge you for spilling these innermost secrets?
-- Who can you communicate with, even if you don't speak any words?
And of course there are more things that I'm sure you have thought of. Think of everything and write it down. If you're really into one of these guys more than the other, it won't be a hard decision. The only hard part about it would be not wanting to feel like a jerk for turning the other person down. And that's not really a bad thing - at least you're compassionate for other's feelings. Just don't let that quality of yours be taken advantage of. That only leads to more confusion and stress! At least that has been my experience.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, gf123 +, writes (15 May 2007):
 First of all, these guys must be very fond of you to put up with the situation that you have put them in!
Unfortunately, it is you who has caused this to come about and you are going to have to resolve it. Of course, this is not easy but the sooner you sort it out the better it will be for all parties.
I think the fact that you said "I don't want to be on my own" is quite telling. Perhaps you are keen on the attention? If this is true then you need to question whether you love these men for who they are or whether you love them because it makes you feel good about yourself. A relationship can not be meaningful and equal if you do not respect your partner for their own inherent qualities.
The way I see it, you have two possible options. The first is to apologise to both of these men and walk away from the whole situation. This will give you a chance to explore what it is that you really want and to work on making sure that this situation does not re-emerge. Personally I think that this would be the most productive option. I would question whether a relationship with either of these men could last. They may not trust your fidelity knowing that you have been two-timing them.
The second option is to decide between the two men. Obviously, they are competing against one another at the moment and you are seeing only their best and most attentive sides. You don't say how long you have been with either of these guys but you need to look back over your relationship with each of them and decide which one makes you happy without having to make huge romantic gestures.
For their sake, you need to make a decision soon.
Best of luck
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