A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My boyfriend and I have been going out together for just over 2 years now. We are in a long distance relationship. He said at the outset that he wanted kids. (I do too and he knows this). He was very keen to move in with me about 8 months into the relationship but I felt it was too soon. He didn't mention it again for about another year when we agreed we would save up for a deposit. However, I think the idea of buying somewhere together is a pipe dream and it really gets me down sometimes. My boyfriend is working 3 jobs and I can only manage to save £200 per month as my pay isn't great. If we rent somewhere we are then going to lose that money we were saving to buy somewhere. However, some of my peers have been quoted figures of raising a 40% deposit for a mortgage which I can't see that we would ever achieve, given that I saw a grotty 1 bedroom flat above a shop going for £189,950 in our local area and that was the cheapest! I have been on the housing register for 9 years now so I don't think that is an avenue we can pursue anymore. So, I feel like we are just drifting because I don't know where we go from here....I love my boyfriend so much and I would like to know from him when he thinks we'll move in together and when we'll have kids but I am concerned it may freak him out. My concern is that next month I will be 34 years old and I want to start a family with him soon as I don't want to be a really old mother but how do I broach the subject with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I'll be absolutely honest with you here. In the UK these days there's very little advantage to owning your own property.
You won't be eligible for housing benefit for a start, and if you don't pay your mortgage you'll be turfed out by the bank or building society. You may be eligible for Council Tax Benefit though, depending on your earnings. When you get old and decrepit and need to go into a nursing home the government makes you sell your property to pay for your care.
If you are frugal and save lots of money for a rainy day the government makes you use that first before helping you out, but if you pissed the lot up the wall from day one they'll bend over backwards to pay your rent and Council Tax, or if you get alzheimers disease in your old age they'll pay your nursing home fees if you have no equity or savings.
If you own your own place, any property maintenance is your problem rather than your landlord's. If your water supply pipe bursts it's your landlord's problem.
The bottom line is that you're looked after very nicely by the state if you're irresponsible. If you own your own property and it's above a certain value, when you die the government takes a slice of the value in death duties when it's sold.
The only good reason I can think of for owning your own property is pride. Pride that you didn't sponge off the state and expect something for nothing. Pride in the fact that you can hold your head high and say you worked hard for what you've got.
But - there's a lot to be said for renting. It's a lot less stressful than owning your own place.
A
male
reader, wherestheinstructions? +, writes (5 September 2009):
Mention it very carefully if you don't want him to run for the hills !
But seriously, just ask him what he wants from life, where he sees himself and you in 5 years time for instance.
As for having children, real kids cost real money - and lots of it - and given your financial situation, can you commit to them from a practical point of view as well as an emotional one ?
An additional complication is the long-distance relationship. Personally I wouldn't think about having kids with someone until I'd happily lived with them for 12 to 18 months.
Him moving in and you asking him about children (which he may see as presssure) all at once, may cause the relationship to self-destruct at some point, potentially leaving you as a single mother.
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