A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Well I've been in a relationship with a lovely guy for the last 4 years and I used to think he was the one. In fact I still do in some ways. However the last year or so has been very rocky because I've started to want more from the relationship and he doesn't. Whereas he is happy to see me once or twice a week for a couple of hours at a time, I need more than that. Before anyone says it, I have a full life with friends and hobbies and all that jazz, but I'm the type of person who needs my relationship to be a biggish part of my life. I want us to do things together as a couple, not just meet for dinner or a movie then go off and live our own (basically separate) lives. He is the opposite to me. He has a really busy life and he likes it that way. He is also content to see me a couple of nights a week with the occasional dinner or Sunday lunch thrown in.I've spoken to him so many times about how this makes me unhappy and he's promised to see me more, but he never keeps it up. Which I know is because he's only doing it for me. He's happy how things are and obviously doesn't need as much 'together time' as me. For what it's worth, I'd like to see him 2-3 nights a week plus a day or night at the weekend. Or at least to speak to each other most days.) So I've come to accept the fact he wants a different type of relationship to me. I've tried to get used to seeing him less, but I just end up feeling sad and lonely with the lack of contact (he can go 2-3 days without speaking to me at all).I know he loves me and I really love him but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I should end things before I spend any more time in a relationship that ultimately doesn't make me happy, but I just can't seem to us go. It makes it so much worse that I know he doesn't want me to finish it. And I don't want to either because I love him so much, that's not the issue. It's a compatibility issue.So I guess I'm asking how do you find the strength to break up with someone that you love with all your heart? I'm crying while I'm writing this because it's so painful but I can't see any other solution. Doing it is going to devastate me though. Has anyone else been through this? How do you find the strength and the words to tell the person you love that you don't want to be with them anymore when it's not true but it is necessary? :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I think you need to re-phrase it. You do in fact not want to be with him as things are now, with him not needing to see you, with you not getting to see him. It is like an unrequited love situation. You love him, and you wish you could have him, but reality is you don't. Not in the way you wish for. Not in the way you need. And the current situation is unbearable.
How to do end it? I think keeping faith in your heart is necessary. You want to do what will make you happier in the end, and you're not that happy right now. You believe you will be happier later, maybe as a single person, maybe you find someone else who is better suited for you. But unrequited love, or giving and giving and not getting in return what you need, it just drains you. You've tried to work around it and adjust for so many years, you know it's not getting better. So you have done your part.
He's not to blame for being who he is, you're not to blame for being who you are. But you know you're not happy now, with things being as they are, and people do not change.. They don't. You tried to talk about it, left room for a possible change if he had it in him, but it didn't change.
My boyfriend was/is like yours. He could go days without talking to me, without texting me, without answering my texts, no calls, and just arrange the whole week full of plans leaving no room for me. But he's working on it, and I see it, and we haven't even been together for that long. If there is room for change, if something is possible to work on, I believe the change wouldn't be that difficult. It shouldn't take 4 years and endless discussions. Changes would have been made already.
So, has your boyfriend made any changes, however small? Is he progressing? And be honest here. My boyfriend still words himself in "me" terms, rather than "us" terms. But he calls me every day now, we text often, and every day. He includes me a lot more, and things have changed. There's still room for more changes, but I see that things are developing. If I hadn't seen it, I'd be in the same position as you. I actually was in the same position with an ex of mine. We were long distance, and I was desperate for communication on a daily basis. My ex never improved, and it just became a bigger problem as each day went by without a word from him.
Knowing what you need in a relationship is vital to be happy in one. But that also means you need to draw the line when you know things aren't good, and the relationship takes more energy from you than it gives. He can be a great man, he probably is wonderful, but not for you. You need a great and wonderful man who can, and wants to, invest as much in a relationship as you do. A man who meets you half way, in order to meet your needs and not just his own.
I think you're doing the right thing, and better to end the relationship now. You've already given it 4 years, you know what the deal is, you know what he can offer you. I also think you want too little, after 4 years you should be thinking of moving in together, or travel together, or even get married and have children.. That's the sort of intimacy I'd want after so long time. Maybe some men take longer than others, but asking for him to call you every day after 4 years seems to me that you're asking for too little. You've gotten used to so little...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I think this is the hardest break up of all...
I love you
YOU love me
but we want different things and I need to leave you.
I'm not sure who will cry more...
but Tisha is right.. ya gotta just do it.
You said you will talk to him ONE MORE TIME... to try to fix it (not going to happen) or are you going to talk to him to end it?
I don't think giving it ONE MORE TRY will do anything other than prolong the pain.
OTOH... once you are totally gone (yes you should break up and go NO CONTACT) he may find that in a few weeks time he misses you so much.. .something may click for him....
I have to be honest when I was 21 I was a man who we had been dating pretty seriously for a while... and I wanted to settle down and do the marriage and baby thing. He did not. So I ended it with him.
I got home about 3 weeks later on a Saturday night from a date with someone new and there was a letter taped to my door (before email or cell phones letter writing was popular) and it was my most recent ex... who had realized he did not want to lose me. We married a few months later...
YOU need to do what you can to take care of yourself...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Thank you for the advice everyone, I will try to speak to him one last time and explain how serious this is. I think he knows though but he just can't or won't give me what I need :( To Wise Owl, I'm actually really disappointed with your post. It seems as though you're saying I should stop communicating my needs to my boyfriend and accept whatever scraps of his time he is giving me because asking for anything else is needy and controlling. Why do you assume my life is empty and I'm looking for a man to complete me? Why are women always seen to be needy with sad lives if they have the cheek to ask for what they need in a relationship? That is true for some people, but as I stated in my original post, I have a full life of my own too. It's not about that at all. It's about the fact out relationship has stalled because we go days without speaking and when we do see each other it's only for an hour or two. I probably see the people I eat lunch with at work more than my own boyfriend. I've asked him for what I need, he has not given me that or compromised in any way, so I feel I'm left with no choice if I want to be happy. Is that not the point of dating/being in a relationship? I thought I was making the brave decision here. It's going to break my heart but I value my future happiness as much as his and I don't think we can both have the relationship we want with each other.What is the point in being in a relationship, making a commitment to be with one person, if you never see them? We see each other less than most LDRs and why do they and? The distance.As for your comment that I'll probably regret it later because I'll realise what I lost.... I realise what I have NOW, so I don't doubt that I'll regret it in some way for a very long time. But what is the alternative? That is actually the very crux of my question.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 You just do it.
Be present in the moment, speak your truth and say goodbye.
You will be fine. In fact, you will be relieved and feel a weight lift from your back, because you have been carrying this burden for a while now.
So, don't wait for some magic moment. Just do it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 November 2013):
 hey there.
first let me start by saying i'm really sorry you're having such a hard time.
i know where you're coming from. i'm in your age bracket as well, and at our age, some of us potentially start to want to find our husbands/wives and settle down. maybe have kids if that's what we're looking for. what would have normally made us happy in the past, such as seeing a partner once or twice a week for a few hours, now just isn't enough. we are looking for someone to potentially marry and share a life with. or at least see it possibly going that way.
if you're anything like me, you know what you want and you feel like you're settling if you're not getting it. and that's absolutely understandable. you're completely justified in feeling how you feel and wanting what you want. and you shouldn't have to settle for less than that. if you want more, you deserve more.
you mentioned that you talked to him in the past about this issue and it never changed for long. have you ever told him that you are considering leaving the relationship if he can't offer more of his time? not only just that you are unhappy, but so much so that it will cause you're break up? if you calmly explain to him that you will have to part ways because of this, do you think it will make him reevaluate things? it's worth a shot if you haven't already done this.
if he simply doesn't want things to change and this is who he is, then you just have to bite the bullet. you already know you can't live a fulfilled life this way. and you shouldn't have to. there's no easy way to do it. and the sooner the better. tell him that you love him, but you've given him chance after chance to show that he can give you more, but he hasn't been able to. and you don't want to force him to be someone who he is not, but you don't want to settle for less. that you're wants and needs for the future are not compatible, and you need to part ways so you can both find people who can fulfill each other in the ways you each desire.
who knows? maybe you two can learn to be friends and you won't have to lose him completely.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I'm very sorry about what you are going thru. been tgere, done that. I agree with the last poster, it would be a good idea to show him this, maybe not like this way but what about a letter, make him read it infront of you and see how he reacts. be strong and my best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): You should breakup with as little drama as possible.You've already made your case regarding how he isn't giving you all the face-time you require in order to make you happy. How much he doesn't appreciate you, and how irresponsible and boyish he is. Your post sounds very familiar.Just make sure you're not calling him back to reverse your decision in two or three weeks. He's a man. He'll feel pain, but he isn't going to sit still. He may not openly display a lot of emotion about it. He has a busy life to get him through it. I hope you do too.While giving yourself time for recovery; allow yourself some time to just be a single and independent woman. Relish your freedom, and enjoy not having to need a man to occupy your space to make you feel secure. Enjoy not being overcome by neediness; and initiate the withdrawal process as you get over your boyfriend. Free your mind and soul.Know that when the time is right, the right man will come into your life. He doesn't have to give you the majority of his time to prove anything. He has to know you also need time and space to grow on your own.Seek your own fulfillment and create "your own happiness."Learn that it wasn't his job to provide it. That's your job.Learn what it's like to go from room to room, and feel the air moving about you. It's not terrible being alone. You don't really need a security blanket in human form; but it's going to take some living alone to remind you of that.Your boyfriend has a full life. He knows how to enjoy life, youth, and freedom. It's something YOU really need more of.Instead of craving more of his attention, now you'll have more of your own time to appreciate. I don't like the thought of the pain you'll be going through. I've been through it recently; but it was good for me. I've stretched and grown. I again realize my own power. I can still share of myself, but don't need someone else to complete me. If you don't get this, maybe someone else reading this will. It's not exactly what you want to hear; but it might be what you need to hear.I think you'll appreciate what you had more; when it isn't there anymore. Not only that; but we all have to spend time with ourselves, so we're reminded that we shouldn't depend so much on other people to. We need time for introspection, so we can count all our blessings. We shouldn't reject people; when they don't fit into the mold we've created for them. When we can't force them to do what we want them to do; or be what we want them to be. You don't need more of his time; you're frustrated that he won't bend to your demands. He won't change his happy life he has created, to use more time to create happiness for you. That's a big job. When you discover what truly makes you happy, you'll also realize you got it on your own. It wasn't something some dude could give you.It's the quality of life you share, not always the quantity of time a loved-one spends with you. Life and other responsibilities often pull them away. Even if you find a husband; he will not always be there at your beck and call. Nor will he want to be. You spent more time counting your idle minutes and hours; and fretting how few he's around; instead of appreciating the fact when you have him to yourself, and making the best of it. You don't know how to use your free-time to find things that enrich your life; outside of complaining about what you don't have. He knows how to make the best of his time, and keep his life full. You want it centered around your relationship. Let him go with your blessing. You're not happy.He has no right to feel he can have it all, and you too.A hard pill to swallow; but a word of advice to those willing to listen. I hope it may help you as well.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 October 2013):
Can you not show him this thread before you actually to end it? Sometimes men respond written posts and such more than hearing it. Maybe he'll actually make some sort of change if you show him this, and essentially say that he's either got to make a decision about your future, of you have to go. Might be worth one last try.
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