A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I just had our 2 year anniversary, but I've wanted to break up for a while. I thought things would get better but it feels like things have stalled. And the relationship is stale. We have lots in common but it's the little things. When he wants me over, he sends his parents to get me, and he doesn't come. When I'm upset he tells me I don't have a good reason to be. He's patronizing. But he really loves me and I love him too. Everyone thinks we'll get married someday but I feel like if that happens, either we'll get divorced or I'll be miserable. He's my best friend. No other boy ever thought I was pretty or date-able. He pressured me early on and was my first everything. Now he wishes we'd waited. He's strict but only cuz he knows whats best for me. Now I'm attracted to my friend. For example, I just got a pixie cut and everyone loved it BUT my bf-who said he likes girls with long hair and likes "his females looking feminine." My friend said, "That is a really cute haircut!" and my heart just melted... and when my friend sees me with my bf he looks unhappy. I feel trapped. I can't be myself with my bf but that's my own fault for not being myself around him. My bf is going to college next year and I will still be in high school. He expects me to go to the same college as him. I feel like I have to free myself but I don't want to be mean and his mom will HATE me. I'm scared. I know I don't want to be dating him anymore but how can I make this happen? How long should I wait it out? My bf and I have romantic roles together in the schoolplay so I want to at least wait till after the play to spare everyone the awkwardness... and it's hard because he treats me well, mostly so. I don't have a "reason" to break it off. I guess it's all about timing. I could wait until he goes to college and say the long distance isn't working, but that would just be me being chicken! I've never broken up with anyone before and I don't know how.
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anniversary, best friend, divorce, long distance, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): thanks so much for the advice! I will just have to break it off and it will suck... but we'll both be better off. I won't run to any boy or anyone after either! I will just work on being happy with myself first. thanks so much ;)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 You don't need any other reason for breaking up with someone other than wanting to break up with them. There's no rule saying you're not allowed to leave unless you've got a good excuse.
I think it'd be good to wait until after the play, if you are able too and don't burst the bubble on accident. You sound like you are ready to end it with this guy though, and I don't think you'll be able to hold it back much longer even if you don't know to say it. One day it will just burst out of you, because you're already so ready for it.
Breaking up with him doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He can be absolutely lovely. But you don't want to be with him, simple as that. You're not thrilled and over the moon, this isn't what you want in life. He's probably nice, sweet, whatever, but you're not yourself with him, and there are the little things that just don't make you feel ok about the relationship. Those little things could very well be what another woman finds great about him. So let him go and find that woman who will set him straight and make him a better man, and who will find happiness with him. And allow yourself to be free and go do in life what YOU want to do.
Breaking up isn't something people do to be mean to each other. It's what you do when you don't have what you want or need in the relationship. It's not even always about personality, a long distance can be enough, or that a person is lovely, but isn't affectionate enough for you etc. There's no reason that's not legitimate. Being in a relationship isn't being trapped. A relationship is what you choose to be in, and when you no longer want it you are free to leave.
The only exception is when you are married, have children together, own a business together or are tied down financially in any other way with the person. Then it gets tricky, or even impossible, to leave. In the case of marriage you have also signed a contract, and made a promise, to never leave. But in a relationship there is no such contract, and you are free to leave whenever you feel like it, no reason needed even.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 You do have a good reason to break up with him. The reason is , that you are not being happy with him, and at your age it's really a shame to give up the pursuit of happiness in favour of emotional stability. You are not in love with him, and in your heart you have left him already- if now you follow through with the actual real life dumping, this is not at all selfish as you may think, in fact it's also in his best interest. This guy is not the best match for you, and yet he deserves the chance to be with someone who can really ,passionately love him, and look forward to spend her life with him.
Free yourself, and let him free.
Marriage is difficult enough when you start being crazily in love, imagine when you enter in it fraught with doubts and hesitations. Pls. spare him and yourself a nearly sure heartbreak.
It also sounds that you got together with him most out of insecurity than out of love- nobody else come forward ... and he was Mr. In Lack Of Better since the very beginning.
I would advise you therefore, once you have left your current bf, not to rush into the arms of this friend you like, or any other guy- just for comfort or security or for having someone appreciate your new haircut. The moment for getting a new boyfriend is when you feel faboulous and good inside your skin, regardless of what males around you may comment.
How to do it... Just tell him. Blurt it out, if you have too. Make it quick- it's like pulling a band aid- the faster you act, the less it hurts. Remember you owe doing that to yourself, and also to him,- it's not good to be the " he treats me so well but- YAWN " guy. You both deserve the chances to find someone more compatible.
And as for his mom hating you.. she probably will... so ?
You can't make everybody happy always- it will happen many many times in your life that for defending your ideas values preferences and best interest, you'll have to displease or antagonize somebody. It's the price you pay for being true to yourself- might as well start practicing now.
Good luck !
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