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male
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anonymous
writes: How do I tell my parents to get a life, and let me go and get my own life? I'm 22yrs still living at home, working in partnership with my dad, I am not allowed to move out,not allowed to travel, make friends, meet my friends. If my cellular phone rings, and its business or one of my mates, my mother complains all nite long saying i'm going to have cancer cos of it. I go out with friends, I'm told that i am a bad son. I want to move out, I'm told that its dangerous and can't trust ANYONE and that they will not allow me, because I am young. I AM 22YRS OLD FOR GOODNESS SAKE. They believe you only move out when you marry. What if i never do?????? There goes my life and freedom down the drain. I've approached them in a respectful, adult, understanding way, but my mother starts crying that this is affecting HER HEALTH, and complains she doesnt feel well, and that my father is against it, however when i speak with him, he seems to be more understanding then he says ask your mother. Its emotional black mail. IS that fair? I know that they are trying to protect me, but come on, is the world out there to kill me? Yes i know that things are tricky and hard, but that is life. If you are not willing to accept that then stay under a rock. We hardly have friends they always come up with some pathetic excuse as to why we cant go anywhere, ie working. I dunno if they think they're too good for everyone, but look at them now, I don't want to hide and one day when im 50 realise that I am alone, and married only to get freedom. i want to move out, explore another country, work somewhere else learn something new, but if i do i'm blamed for my familys health issues. Does any one have any advice please help me as im going very very insane. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2005): Your Mother is out of line on this issue. You need to get Dad to help you speak with her on this issue because he seems more receptive. Your Mother is actually overprotecting herself and not you. This is her problem, dear-not yours. And in this case, logic and reasoning often have little to do with how your Mother is thinking. She's become much too emotionally dependant on you and that's simply not healthy.
But, one builds character by responding positively and proactively to the life situations one faces, so it crucial, you stay mature, strong and focused on doing what needs to be done about your own life. It's time for you to go. But before you do, I hope you are able to reach out to her in a loving, way and simply tell her-you need to explore life and live independently. You will have to be strong and stubborn, because she will be angry, she will be hurt, she will behave heartbroken...but you can't carry that burden anymore, dear. Be kind and solicitous, but stand firm. Start making plans and try your best to ignore any threats, complaints and emotional blackmail. No matter what, your Mother loves you but she needs to respect and honor you as an adult male, now.
If it gets to be too much, seek some advice from a family counselor. You may need support from a professional to give you tips on how to cope and how to make this transition easier for your Mom. I wish you well in this endeavor...it won't be easy. And remember, you are not a bad son...that's just a ploy to keep you where she wants you. Stick to your goals and keep your boundaries with Mom firm. Just be reasonable but don't give in to her her needy behavior, because this is exactly the way she is behaving. Sorry to sound harsh about your Mom but I say it the way I see it. I know she loves you but as a mother myself of a 24 and a 26 year old, one of the ways we love as parents is to take pride and joy in the day, our children do make their own way in the world. We hold back the tears and let them know, our door is open to them, we are here for them but as much as we don't want to-we bravely give them that "little shove" out the door and wish them good luck. It's all part of life. I wish you well and good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2005): That is a tough one! Your mom said its effecting her health, and by the way it sounds, its also effecting yours. You can't let your parents drive you to insanity! Tell your parents that your not happy living there. You dont want to be cooped up all the time, you need to explore. Do you think she would let you move out, even if it was 10 minutes down the road? Ask her things that aren't to the extreme. Like ask if you go out with a specific friend, and not a whole group. That always worked for me. My mom would never let me go out with a group of people, but if I just went out with one friend, she let me. But I dont know how "strict" your parents are. I hope that helps somewhat!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2005): Hiya, you're parents think the way they do because they themselves were brought up that way, but you think differently about the world which is fantastic. Realise that they are in the wrong not you, try to do all the things you want to do. I realise this will be difficult but you're parents are only holding on because they are scared themselves but you need to live your life and let them live theirs
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