A
female
age
,
*larex
writes:After a disasterous marriage; mental and violent abuse and post marriage finding out that he also abused my kids I thought my heart would break 14 years ago. Immeadiately after I threw myself into work, but then 5 years later developed a debilitating neurological condition, and as a result had a nervous breakdown. I used to do physical work; cleaning, gardening, painting whatever I could earn a crust to keep the wolf from the door; now I was incapable of doing anything. I had a year off then went back into education and have recently obtained an arts degree and hope for a better future finacially at least. During the period of my children growing up I decided not to date because I felt they had gone through enough already. To this end I spent 9 years without any boyfriends; I didn't have a date even though I really wanted one. I finally did find someone though; someone I thought was my soulmate; an artist, loving, intellectual etc. The youngsters slowly moved out and finally I was on my own with him. Unfortunately, he started to mentally abuse me and became a drunk and belittled every one of my achievements. I finally split with him last year; we keep up some minimal contact since I live in a close knit artistic community so it's hard to avoid having anything to do with him. This time though no matter how I try I cannot open my heart to anyone else. I met someone earlier this year and we formed a platonic relationship just meeting up at the weekend to read the papers and talk. He never suggested taking it further but now it is developing into a physical relationship. What I am struggling with is that no matter how hard I try I cannot feel anything for him. My 'head' says that I should like him a lot, that my heart should be head over heels, but my heart is stone cold dead; not even a flutter of excitement when I'm going to see him. I feel scared to take the relationship any further because of this; it's too early to suddenly tell him about this since we are not that intimate yet and in any case I think I will scare him off if I do. At the same time though it does not seem fair to him for me to feel this way. I've shut off emotionally as regards loving a man (I feel deeply about other things and I am not depressed); how do I switch myself back on?
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male
reader, davros  +, writes (31 October 2010):
In the 3 years it's been since you wrote this plea for help I should imagine that you have discovered a lot about yourself. One thing you will know by now I hope is that your problem is in part repressed or suppressed anger.
Depression and /or anxiety issues ("nervous breakdowns") are due to stress, often internal stresses. The body stops creating endorphines and you experience low mood and all the stuff that depression and anxiety brings.
I think the best (and perhaps the only way) is to confront him in a controlled environment and let your anger fly. Beneath the anger and fear you may well find hate lurking, unexpressed and perhaps even unrecognised.
It can act like a festered wound and make you ill.
It won't cure it entirely, but it will help a great deal. Being honest with yourself and being honest with someone to whom you're close who can stand by and support you while you go trhough this.
Finally, forgive him and yourself.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Fear is a shuttering thing. There is no guarantee that love will be painless or that you will not get hurt. What is even harder to realize is that you may hurt someone else along the way. Not sure which is worse. What you will need to do is put yourself out there and give it your all. The only way to melt down your big heart is to use it. Life is made up of little moments. Have a few little moments of love and you will get better at it. If you truely don't feel anything for this man now in your life, you should keep the friendship and find someone who can help you melt your heart.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (18 October 2007):
 Don't put too much pressure on yourself, after everything that you have been through you just have to take each day as it comes, if this person is the right person for you it will come.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (18 October 2007):
How are you at acting? When you fall off, you have to get back on or you'll be walking alone. Love is never the same.
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