A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for close to a year and a half. We are in our mid-twenties, and we have talked often about getting engaged soon and getting married. In other words, we're in a pretty serious and committed relationship.We have been having issues recently over some of my past relationships. Some of my past sexual partners are still friends of mine, and I see them occassionally. I had not made it known to my boyfriend that two guys we still see every now and again I had hooked up with at some point in our friendships (NOT while my boyfriend and I were together - before him). However, when I did bring it up, he was devastated to know that I had been hanging out with guys in front of him that I'd had sex with before. At first I felt he was being irrational. I told him that the one or two times we had sex didn't define our relationship, that we'd known each other for years. However, the more I looked at it, I understood his point of view. He felt like he had been made a fool of. We were all "in" on the fact that we'd had sex together and he was unaware and just sitting there casually making conversation.Flash forward to now. The biggest sticking point for him is that I wasn't upfront about my past with him. I intentionally omitted details so he wouldn't get upset with me. In other words, I was selfish and wasn't thinking about "us". I was thinking about "me". I have recognized that I am selfish, and I need to make good decisions so that I am thinking about us and not just myself. However, I find it close to impossible to always do what my boyfriend wants me to. He asked me that if we were ever in a situation where we were with someone that I had hooked up with before to please tell him. This weekend we were at a bar, and in strolls this guy I hooked up with four years ago. He talks to me for about 5-10 minutes, and I can tell my boyfriend is getting annoyed because he thinks that I'm blowing him off. Trying to defuse the situation I tell him it's not a big deal, he just went to high school with me, etc. However, the next morning (because I didn't want to cause a scene in the bar) I told him that we had hooked up previously. My boyfriend is furious with me for not telling him about this when we first saw him in the bar. My boyfriend thinks that I didn't tell him in the bar because I wanted to be able to talk to this guy uninterrupted and without my boyfriend getting upset.I think my boyfriend is right. Why do I keep doing this? I love my boyfriend so much, and I do want to get married to him. However, he did make it clear that I need to be 100% honest with him. Yet, it's so awkward to see someone you haven't seen in years and then (in the middle of a crowded bar) say, oh by the way, I blew him once. I mean, I don't want to talk to someone I love about that. But, I feel like I keep doing things to upset my boyfriend. A few weeks ago I found out my ex-boyfriend got engaged. Clearly, I found that noteworthy, and I told my current boyfriend about this (because he had been asking that I be as honest with him as possible). Again, my boyfriend got upset with me. He asked, why are you telling me this? He seemed to think that by me telling him about this it meant that I still had feelings for my ex. I don't at all. Anyway, my point is, am I sabotaging my relationship? I just feel like I keep doing things to hurt my boyfriend. I love him, and I'm trying to be honest as possible - I just am not doing it perfectly? What do I need to improve on? How can I make myself a better girlfriend? I feel like I'm being selfish and not doing what is best for our relationship. Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): I totally understand where you are coming from far as not telling him about your sexual relations with your past guys you spoke to. Why would you wanna tell the current person you love about some sexual content you had with your ex's and give them a mental image that they are probably going to throw in your face later in the relationship if you piss them off. Some things just should be taken to the grave. Another point of my situation with my ex fiance she had ex bf who she didn't cut ties with and she said i was insecure for being upset with her for going to dinner with her ex boy she recently broke up with 5 months ago. and the other ex bf who keeps calling after midnight and this would be a constant thing that made me insecure when she would tell me the truth but I found it disrespectful for her to be carrying on in such a way because I never disrespected her.year two months later I go over it because she showed me the reassurance I needed to not be so worried about losing her to her friendly ex's. but I was cool for 2 years until she went out with a male co worker to the strip club for 6 hours and did not come back home until two in morning from his house. She told me this but did not anwser my calls when i called and we were suppose to be getting married so. If you gonna be with this guy give him reassurance and show him how much he is the only man in your life and encourage him for being a good man and positive feedback will come in as he starts to notice you are for him and only him. Just stop bringing up other guys and ex's so much. Notice how he is treating you. does he bring his ex's up. If he does then something deeper is going on. Trust
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (28 September 2009):
 First, he shouldn't have been upset that you told him about the ex getting engaged. That is noteworthy, and it is something you care about (regardless of if you have feelings for the ex). But it sounds like it's just become a sore subject for him, so he's not being entirely rational because he's got a growing insecurity.But secondly, it sounds like there's something bigger going on that just him wanting to know who you've been sexual with. While it may have been that at first, and he was upset that you were hiding things from him, now it sounds like a general trust issue. It sounds like he's afraid that you either will leave him or cheat on him, since he never knows whether you've been sexual with someone until later, and even men you have been with are still on friendly terms with you. Likely, the anger over your ex's engagement is just him thinking, "oh great, someone else she was intimate with and still hears about or talks to."He's jealous. He doesn't want to lose you, but is afraid that he will.I see two ways this can go: 1. You work to prove to him (however irrational he may be) that he's the only one you want, the only one you love, and the most important and sexually fulfilling man you've ever met. You either have to drop him as an emotionally needy man, or you have to pad his ego and reassure him that none of these other men were anything. Compliment him. Praise his performance in bed. Give him an impromptu and unexpected BJ because you just love him so much you can't keep your hands off of him. Tell him how much you love him and how no one has EVER made you feel as loved or important or happy as he does.2. Or you write him off as too jealous and untrusting and paranoid and you decide that you need someone more comfortable with your past and more sure of himself.If you stay with this man, you may have to cut ties to many of your past partners, at least until he gains enough confidence in your relationship to no longer feel threatened by other men you've slept with. Only you can decide if your boyfriend is worth dealing with his insecurities.
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