A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is going to sound like a really stupid question but I'll ask it anyway. I'm a 22 almost 23 year old guy, getting ready to finish school in a few months, but I've never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl, etc. I would consider myself a fairly good looking guy (I'm not the Elephant Man by any stretch), I have friends, and with the exception of not having any luck with women I have a pretty good life. So what gives?I always thought that if I lived my life normally that naturally I would just find someone and that there was no need to rush it. But I've almost gone through my entire college experience without doing more than hanging out with a couple of girls.I know that in order for me to get a girlfriend I have to get comfortable meeting and talking to women, but that's the problem. Since I haven't really done this I find myself nervous and shy around girls. Perhaps someone can give me step by step guidelines on how to meet, talk to and eventually ask out girls. I'm too embarrassed about this to ask any of my friends. I'm fairly sure I could get a girlfriend if I could just get past this hurdle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is me, thanks for the advice everybody. I actually do have a sister (6 years younger than me), and oddly enough I work retail so I do talk to random girls all the time.
To be honest I think I'm just not very confident in anything more than superficial conversations with girls. Whenever I do see a cute girl in the supermarket or at school I just automatically assume she's not interested or that she has a boyfriend and I leave her alone. I guess I just assume that I'll be rejected and figure it'll be a waste of time.
I'll take everyone's advice into account and hopefully that will lead to some success.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): I'm guessing that you didn't have sisters... Guys growing up without sisters makes it a bit more difficult for males to understand that girls are human beings just like they are...You know... I've been out will all sorts of men in my life... they've spent money on me... they've spoiled me. But the bottom line is that the guy who gets my heart is the one who makes me laugh. And... it doesn't even have to cost him a dime to do that.Have you ever looked into a girl/woman's eyes ... and see them sparkle? Some people's eyes don't sparkle... I think they've done too much and/or have seen too much... it kills the joy in them...A girl with sparkling eyes is someone who has something good going on inside of them... Sparkling eyes is a very good sign... both in you and a girl.A guy who cares about making a girl/woman laugh is a guy who cares about making her happy. It's not much more complicated than that... Make her laugh.... there is nothing sexier in a man than that.Why have you made this whole dating thing so difficult for yourself? It is really about making friends... Open yourself up to the idea that it can be as simple as that.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Good advice here. I would avoid the bar scene (at least the American version, English pubs are much more casual, so I'd recommend those). Try to get involved in activities that you like--assuming it's not gender restrictive, there will be girls there that enjoy those activities too. You instantly have something to talk about. Be "out there"--do stuff. You will run into people (men and women) and make friends and acquaintances. The more people you meet the more likely you are to find people you like. Take the friend approach--don't talk to a girl to take her on a date, talk to a girl to just talk to her. If you are in line somewhere, chat with the person next to you about whatever... If they are annoyed, who cares. If you share a part of your day with someone, you have brightened someone's day. I was painfully shy as a kid and all through college. My ice breaker was sarcasm--not sure that works for everyone, but I would just make some comment about something and start talking to someone. It wasn't always someone I wanted to date or had an interest in, but I made friends/acquaintances in college that way, and had people to nod at and wave to as I crossed campus from one class to another. I am maried to a my college boyfriend now and so I guess that kinda worked for me.
Parties with alcohol helped--I recommend parties at friends' houses as great places to meet people. There is alcohol to loosen people up and the chances that there are "nice" people there are high, since they are pre-screened friends of your friends. Most of all, try not to care too much or try too hard. Things tend to just happen--the key is to be in the right place at the right time.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Oh I forgot an important point, the whole idea is to learn how to put a woman at ease while talking to you, if you can disarm a woman with charm then you're halfway there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): FYI: Flirting with old ladies is great fun. Some might find it weird but I do it all the time. Most of them love it and will actually play back. Plus I've found it can make their day to have a young man subtly flirt with them.
The thing with old ladies is, they have the same needs and desires they always had, just not as much opportunity to do so.
Plus I find they're very forthright about things, they know instantly what you're doing if they think you're doing it well they'll tell you or you can tell by the way they react, they'll actually give you pointers too.
You see the thing is, seeing as it's generally seen as kind of creepy to flirt with older women, if you can successfully be flirty with one and make her laugh without creeping her out then you can pretty much talk to any girl.
It's a great way to practice small talk and plus it feels good to brighten up someones day, someone who wouldn't normally get approached or flirted with that regularly.
I'm not talking about out and out flirting by the way, I'm talking about practicing being charming. Not literally trying to make out with them hehe.
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male
reader, BrokeAndHurting19 +, writes (17 November 2010):
I have somewhat the same problem but I am getting better about it now and currently have a gf. You have to make yourself unique man. Don't txt her just saying "hey" or "sup?". I used to text my girl funny things before we got together. I met her when I was at a bar with some friends and I helped her walk back to her car and she was falling in her high heels so i had to carry her. Then 2 days later I texted her and said "Hey I just saw some girl fall in high heels and it made me think of you, what are you up to?".
Try and get into a club or bar. Women there are more apt to talk since they might have a little bit of alcohol in them and it will be a good warmup for you on how to break the ice. Stop being scared of rejection. It happens to everyone, just some can take it like a man. If someone laughs at you cause you got rejected, tell them at least you tried and didn't sit there with your hands in your pockets.
You already have confidence, which is one of the biggest things when talking to a girl. I'm not the most handsome guy but I asked my girlfriend why she was with me and she just told me the way i carried myself and the confidence I displayed. Good luck my friend and I hope it all works out for you.
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Reading your letter, you sound like you know what your about, you just need to be confident in all that you know about yourself, realise that all that you have would enrich someone elses life.
You dont need game play, most women dont like it much anyway, they dont like to know they are hearing a chat up line that has been used on several girls.
You said you've had female friends in the past, so approach a girl with a view to becoming friends, I know it sounds easy, but it really is, everyone likes talking bout themselves, so ask questions about them, once you comfy with them, if you find one your attracted to, you can take the next step, by inviting them along to a mutual like you both have.
Good Luck, you sound like a nice lad, and quite a catch, have faith in yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): There's nothing to it, you just do. Seriously most of us were a little nervous talking to girls at the start the trick is you have train your mind to think of them as potential friends only and also treat them as friends, add the flirting later.
Just go and talk to random girls anywhere you see them. Ask them the time? or other things, just keep practicing it by talking to them. Don't be scared of slipping up and don't be afraid of rejection just keep doing it.
The only thing that works is practice and confidence.
I really could list about a million things you should and shouldn't do, you've probably read lots of things, but that's all too much info to remember and the best way for you to learn is trial and error.
Just go do it, girls like shy and nervous guys, it's cute, as long as you're happy with yourself, well groomed and confident.
The more you do it the easier it gets, the more confident you'll get and the more successful you'll be.
Regardless of what you may hear, it's actually the easiest thing in the world. Just start off by talking to girls you're not attracted to, small talk with old ladies in the store or the assistant or a married woman with children on the bus. Use random encounters with women you're not interested in or won't be able to date to get practice speaking to them. You'll see that there's no great mystery to women, they have the same wants needs and desires as you.
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