A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, it doesn't happen often, but sometimes guys come up to me when I'm in a public place like a coffee shop or park by myself. Usually I'm reading a book or something but that doesn't really stop them from trying to talk to me. No one has ever overtly hit on me, but they try to make conversation in that "getting-to-know-you-cause-I'm-a-nice-guy" type way. Like "Oh you're an art major? I'd love to see your paintings sometime." etc.The problem is that I always have a hard time really being able to tell if the guy is legitimately hitting on me, or is just oddly friendly... my gut usually says they're hitting on me though. I have a boyfriend of almost 2 years who I really love so I don't want to give guys the impression that I'm "hitting back" so to speak. But I feel like it would be weird to just preemptively say "Sorry, I have a boyfriend," just when a guy asks "Hey, is this seat taken?" or something like that. I appreciate the fact that there are nice guys out there who attempt to get to know a girl instead of just popping off some creepy pickup line, and I know it's not like they know I'm taken, so I'm not deeming them creepy or anything, but I just really don't want to give the impression that I'm receptive to flirting or anything.Usually they're just making small talk but I know that most guys don't just randomly go up to girls and start talking to them about their interests and hobbies and music tastes unless they're interested in them. But I just don't know how to "turn them down" when technically they haven't really done anything. If a guy came up to me and was just like "Hey nice a$$ can I get your number?" then I would definitely just be like, "No. I have a boyfriend." Something like that would be easy to just shut down immediately. But when all a guy does is talk to me, I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it because they're not saying anything obviously flirtatious. It's just that I can kind of tell that they're still hitting on me, albeit in a polite sort of way. Although, the last time this happened I was out sunbathing in a bikini, alone, so I'm not sure that particular guy was exactly "polite" since I could basically feel his eyes glued to my T and A during all the nice-guy small talk asking about my hobbies and wanting to see my artwork etc.Usually I just find some way to work in that I have a boyfriend, like "Oh you're an English major? So is my *boyfriend*." But sometimes I'm not sure that's enough... So what almost always happens is I just find some bs excuse to leave a couple minutes after they start talking to me. Which is sort of annoying because if I just got there I don't want to have to leave in the first ten minutes just cause some guy is trying to talk to me and I don't know how else to avoid the situation. Is this the best way to deal with it, or is there some better way? Should I be doing things differently? I don't want to seem like a b*** or hurt anyone's feelings cause most of the guys that do this aren't being jerks, and I know it probably takes guts to walk up to a total stranger like that. But I don't want them to get the impression that I'm interested in them either just because I'm trying to be nice...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): 'My boyfriend will be here any minute. He plays rugby/football/kick-boxing, he kills animals with his bare hands, and he gets insanely jealous when he sees me talking to other men. I have to go now. Bye.'
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 As a thumb rule, any random stranger guy that comes up to you and starts giving you compliments or chats you up is making a move on you. Overly friendly guys hardly exists. And even if they do, be cautious. Some professional players know how to play the card of "innocently friendly" very well. Just keep your guards up, be nice and all, but at the appropriate time inform then that you have a boyfriend. This SHOULD put them in place and make them back off, and given a few extra minutes of politely saying bye they should be gone.
If you want them to back off earlier, don't be afraid to be a little rude. Whatever a guy says, just say "thanks" or whatever would be appropriate and then turn away. Don't make eye contact unless you want to continue the conversation. Just turn back to focusing on what you were doing. Then if he tries to talk more, just nod and say "hmmm" without looking at him. If he STILL pesters you say "Thats very nice, but I need to get back to my writing/reading/drawing/work". If you have to get this far, you have already given them TWO opportunities to pick up the message and get lost, and if they haven't picked up on that they are either dumb or ignorant or full of themselves and deserves to be put in place. It's not exactly polite of them to disturb people who are clearly busy and not want to be disturbed. Imagine if you were at a restaurant or cafe with someone else and a random stranger popped by and wouldn't leave. It would be considered rude of HIM to approach you, not rude of you to ask him to leave you alone.
And trust me, their feelings aren't hurt. If they were that emotional they wouldn't be trying to hook up with strangers.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Just tell them off the bat you have a BF and yes there hitting on you where guys we can handle the rejection its a hit or miss. You can find a nice way to bring up your BF for EX say oh yes im an art major my BF loves my work etc think of something creative. if the guy was smart he would ask you off the bat if your single so he ddnt waste his time when theres another girl just as pretty walking around usually
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 June 2010):
 You know what? You are too concerned with being a nice person. You are being approached because the guys do want to get to know you but it is perfectly reasonable to throw in the boyfriend line from the getgo.
"Hi, thanks for asking, I have to tell you that I'm waiting for/going to meet/expecting a call from my boyfriend and so this conversation is going to be short."
or just be honest: "I'm not really looking to start a conversation right now, I came out here to catch some rays/read my book/listen to music. Thanks for asking though." Smile very briefly and shut them out.
Or buy a great fake engagement ring with an enormous stone on it and wear that when you want the guy to go away. Carry it with some lotion and if you need to get the guy to leave, haul it out of your bag with the lotion say brightly, "oops forgot to put this on, I don't like getting the lotion all over the ring."
And listen to your gut, it is probably a good gauge. I expect most guys will approach a pretty girl if they get the chance, so you shouldn't take it too seriously and don't worry about their feelings too much. They'll get over it, I'm sure.
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A
female
reader, Emjo  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 perhaps engage in their conversation a little until you can work out what their intentions are and should the conversation start to turn flirtatious then you can apologise and say you have a boyfriend but say you enjoyed the chat. Its then up to them whether they choose to carry on talking or move on. x
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