A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago, I ended an unhealthy relationship. My ex and I had been together for four years, but we fought a lot and our interactions got ugly, so I haven't looked back. My problem is that since that time, I haven't been able to meet any men. And now, I don't seem to have any means of meeting the right man for me. Before I started dating my ex, I always had dates and a very active social life. While I was wasting time with my ex, all of my close girlfriends met their husbands and have since gotten married. Almost all of them are now mothers. (We're in our mid-30s.)I wasn't one of those women that dropped her friends for her guy. But my girlfriends have dropped me. I don't think it was intentional, they are just busy with their families, and I don't expect them to drop everything to go out with me. (Many of them can't because they're either pregnant or nursing.)I work in an office full of women, but it's very competitive and in six years of working there, I haven't formed any friendships (even though I have tried).So, now I find myself alone, without a relationship and without close friends.Yes, I've actively joined clubs and have tried meeting new women to hang out with. But all of the women I meet are either in their early 20s (and our in very different places) or are married moms (who have even less interest in hanging out with me than my long term friends). On top of feeling alone (without a relationship), I worry that since I don't have a real social circle, no one to go out with me or to introduce me to potential dates, I'll be alone forever.Yes, I've tried on-line dating, but that too has been a complete disaster. Really a total disaster.I'm worried that I'll be single and friendless for the rest of my life.Has anyone managed to get out of this type of situation? Any anecdotes are advice would be much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): I totally identify with you- I'm in the same situation. I'm 35 years old and I broke up with the only guy that I've loved and who I'd consider a real boyfriend about 6 years ago because I didn't know any better and thought that he was not what I was looking for. I was sure that I would find someone else but since then I have had a few short term boyfriends but broke up with all of them because I didn't love them and they didn't make me feel as good as my ex did, and now I regret having ended things with him. I have gone on many different dating websites and lots of dates but haven't really had any luck with any of them so far. I always hoped to meet my next boyfriend/ future husband through a friend which I feel is the ideal way to meet someone but I have also lost most of my friends either because they became busy with their boyfriends/husbands/had kids or because I ended up pushing them away somehow. I rarely even see the few friends that I do have and they don't have any single guy friends that they can introduce me to. I have been at my current job for over 6 years and work with a lot of women but still haven't developed any close female friends. I have tried to put myself out there and make friends by enrolling in lots of different classes and going to events but I was never great at making friends to begin with and have always been a bit socially awkward so nothing has worked- most of the people that I do meet are in their 20s and don't really want to make friends with a 35 year old. I feel like such a loser and that I've missed the boat on finding a great partner and a best friend. I have been getting more depressed lately with the thought of being single, friendless and lonely forever, although I know that I would feel even worse if I ended up settling, so that's not an option. The worst part is that everything else in my life is great except for my relationships which sadly, is the most important part of life.
Well, I know that this is not the answer that you're looking for but the truth is as much as this situation sucks, I have a feeling that there are a lot of really good people out there that are going through the exact same thing. We should try to find a way to get together and become friends with each other!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses! I guess I'm just frustrated that things haven't turned out as I wanted them to. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I was sure that I'd meet someone. I allowed myself about half a year to heal and then I went back out into the dating world. But the results were disastrous. In all honesty, I never made it past a third date with anyone (my choice not theirs). And I haven't had sex in two years !!!I thought that I did everything right. I broke up with the wrong guy, I took some time off, and I thought I was ready to date. Still, after a half a year of personal reflection and one year of actively trying to date, I've lost it. I can't take another bad date with men that made my ex look like a prince.I know online dating works for some people, but it's just not an option for me. I need to know who I'm talking to. That's why meeting men through friends is my thing, but now I don't really have any friends.Oh well. I guess there's a season for everything.Thanks again for your responses!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Im in exactly the same position im nearly 30 and have a 7yr old daughter. I broke up with my ex boyfriend 4 months ago as I wanted to settle down but he didnt! As I would like another child and get married in time. Its a very lonely place im at ive been on dates but I just dont fancy them! Met through online dating! Im just hoping that there is someone out there who wants the same as me, but I am giving up hope too. All my friends are married and happy and I long for that. Im so depressed bout things that im on anti depressants,Its like nothing makes me happy apart from that loving feeling and closeness being in a relationship! But I have to be strong for my daughter and get through it, theres got to be someone nice out there also in our position!
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reader, HappyPlace +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Stay positive and focused on what is important to you, and most of all, you need to learn to enjoy your own company. I was alone for many years and did not meet my partner until I was 40, and had really given up hope. I too tried the dating scene - lots of disasters but a few gems too and I still keep in contact with one guy, which my partner is aware of (well, he contacts me probably once a year to check how I'm doing - and probably to find out if I'm single or not, lol). So don't entirely give up on the dating scene. A good male friend of mine has met his current partner through a dating site and they are head over heals in love and very happy. You have to kiss a few frogs though.
I had come to the conclusion that I was meant to be on my own, so I learned to enjoy my own company. It was joyous at times to come home and do whatever I wanted. I am quite a loner too, so despite having a few girlfriends, I'm not overly extrovert and it takes me a long time to trust people, so the people that I know have been in my life for many years so my social life certainly wasn't great either, particularly when friends had partners of their own.
It was odd but when I was happy in my own skin and was not particularly looking for a partner, I met my soulmate. He was a friend of someone that lived opposite me and he used to pitch up occasionally. He was gorgeous and he certainly caught my eye. His friend moved out to live with a partner, and he moved in whilst the house was being sold. We used to chat, he would appear at my door with a new CD he'd brought and a bottle of my favourite wine and after several months we eventually got together. Six years later and our relationship just goes from strength to strength and we have the sort of relationship that our friends would aspire to. He's old fashioned (open doors for me), he's very intelligent and he really is drop dead gorgeous (dare I say better looking than Brad Pitt)! My only insecurity is that he is so good looking that women stare at him when we are out, which I find a bit annoying. In fact at the weekend, he was waiting in the car whilst I popped into the shops; I came out and noticed two young ladies walk past the car, then start doing double takes, whispering to each other and continuing to turn around to look at him. He hadn't noticed, bless him, so when we drove past I waved at the girls and the look on their faces was priceless. I would say that's the only downfall. This happens on a very regular basis. I'm recovering from cancer at the moment too but the illness has brought us closer together. He's seen me at my absolute worst and last year when I was losing my hair, he shaved his head too. He's cleared up my vomit and he's been there for me every step of the way. We did have an issue with porn in our relationship but he doesn't look at it now and despite me having menopausal symptoms, he still finds me very attractive and we have an active sex life (this does peak and trough but that is normal in a 6 year relationship).
So, it is possible to meet the man of your dreams - just don't give up looking x
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