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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello. Thank you for reading my post. All advice and opinions are welcome. To attempt to keep this short as possible, I will jump to my point.I come from a very messy family. Growing up, I manage to maintain my sense of cleanliness and have always preferred a clean home. We're all grown up now and living on our own doing our own things. I'm beginning to work on a strong professional career and making major changes regarding my professional image. They, on the other hand, are still trying to figure things out and often need us to pitch in together and help take care of one another, because we love each other. I am 26, my sister is 24 and my brother is 30. I have allowed them to stay with me bill free with their children and spouses in every home that I've made for myself. I have never lived with them (as far as being legal adults) and never charged them rent. Often I had trouble getting them to help out with chores when they stayed with me.Recently, I had to refuse my sister a place to stay because her little family tends to be messy and somewhat destructive. Non-the-less I felt extremely horrible for it, but I feel that it has to happen at some point if I want to build a good future for my kids and myself. Though we all love each other a lot and they accepted my answer without conflict, they both have mentioned when talking about me that they always walk on egg shells around me and that I'm too picky.I'm trying to work on my professional appearance and their messy ways are a blast to it. They want me to watch their kids, and then bring them over all messy. I've had to treat my kid's heads six times for lice. And as extremely messy as their current homes are, trash all over the place, I'd rather go there then them come here because I know they will trash the place. If I tell them they are messy, I'm considered mean and insulting. It's embarrassing, but what can I do? I wish they would be cleaner people, but it's also not my place to dictate their lives. I know that's just the way some people are, but as someone going into the child development field, how can I consider myself a professional if I play blind to it? How should I approach this situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 How they live in their OWN homes it their "problem" or choice. When staying with you, YOU need to set rules and boundaries. If they can't stick to those, then they can't STAY with you. AND that is fine! They are all ADULTS now and just because YOU are ahead in the career curve doesn't mean you have to take them in.
I would also stop watching their kids for a while. I know the standard saying is that head lice only live in clean hair. NOT true, I mean consider how rampant lice were a 100 years ago where people would bath/wash hair maybe once a week.... Head lice DO NOT CARE whether someone has clean or dirty hair, bedding, house, you name it.
As for the head lice, my guess is they don't treat the head lice properly and that is why they KEEP having head lice. You can't JUST treat the hair/scalp. You have to clean the bedding, the pillows, the stuffed toys, the carpets, mattress and any "soft" furniture. Trust me, we went through head lice with my youngest when we first moved up here to MI. The school suggested we cut her hair. THAT was the help we got from the school. They didn't even put out to all the classes that there was SEVERAL cases of head lice. Because they didn't want the kids to feel bad (including mine) which is ridiculous! A note going home doesn't HAVE to have a kids name on it, just the facts. But I digress.
I would NOT put my kids through that over and over. So personally, I'd take a bit of a break from the visiting and baby sitting.
Met them and hang out with them on neutral ground. Like the park in summer.
You can't "fix" this for them, as it doesn't BOTHER them to live in filth.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 January 2015):
 I didn't see the country flag you have, but why does your family need to stay with you bill-free to a capacity that rent is or isn't an issue?? There is a correlation between their squalor and their sense of responsibility in this case.
Yes, there are messy people who have good lives. I have a good friend who is a borderline hoarder who is messy, yet she's very successful in life. In her case, she grew up in a rich family and didn't have to clean up after herself a day in her life.
In your case, you do realize that being their rent-free safety net is actually enabling their problem, right? I've never lived with my brothers, nor they with me. One of my brothers is really messy, but the rest of his life reflects his lack of discipline as well. He also has kids who are destructive and screamy, and though I love them, I'm glad I can give them back.
You put yourself into this situation, and the only way to get out of it is to end the living arrangements. Don't be delicate. Tell them to keep house where you are, or they need to leave. Being neat and tidy is nursery school level. You're not asking them to live like a hospital where the disinfectant comes out every time something is touched. But leaving things out or lights on is something you can expect. Even if they were renting from a landlord, the lease would demand a level of care for the living space.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 Your siblings are just untidy people. They don't see this as a problem, they see it as normal.
Unless they want to change, they never will and nothing you say will make any difference.
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