A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, need some advice on how to approach my partner about how i'm feeling (unappreciated and unimportant) without sounding critical or hostile. We've been together 3 years, live together and have a gorgeous 6 month old baby. I'm on maternity leave from what was a good job working with others, and breast feeding, so my days revolve around breast feeding. I also do the household chores. My partner works shifts, 12 hour days, is out of the house for 13-14 hours each day he works, which is generally 7 in a row. When he's home, he needs his sleep, and generally spends 30-60mins with me and our child before going to work.He's great with our child, can't fault him, and I'm doing my best too. Love being a mother, but am feeling a little lost, I guess.Obviously, as a new parent, there's sleep deprivation and no 'us' time with my partner, we were anticipating that and it's ok, it's getting a little better month by month.What concerns me is that he never asks about my day, how I am. I listen to him telling me about his work day before he goes to work and any other worries he has. I feel suddenly so insignificant as a person to him. And it's making me drift away from him...I don't resent him, but I wish he'd ask how I am once in a while and I wish he'd tell me he thinks I'm doing a good job once in a while. He doesn't, so I don't feel emotionally connected to him right now. Which means I don't feel physically connected either. He frequently tries kissing/hugging/groping me and I just want him to get the hell off me even though I still think he's hot, I just don't feel like being physical due to the lack of emotional connectivity, I think.I'm concerned that if this continues, we'll drift apart, our relationship will falter, and ultimately, that he'll get his physical satisfaction elsewhere. But even writing that doesn't emotionally affect me-once, the thought of him cheating/leaving would've upset me greatly :(There were issues with him sending sexually flirtatious texts to his ex and a couple of female work colleagues just a few months into our relationship. He tried his best to regain my trust, gave me open access to his phone, deleted his FB account...and I admit that from time to time I'd look at his phone and be relieved if there was nothing there to worry about. Now, I don't check, not because I don't doubt him, but because I don't think I'd care even if there was anything incriminating there.I don't feel I am depressed, I still enjoy other people's company but get this rarely as I'm a full time breast-feeding mom.I firmly feel the problem lies in the communication between my partner and I.I've tried broaching this with him before....his response was to ask me "how do you feel, apart from tired?" when he got home from work one day-he didn't want to know about my feeling tired, which is the main thing on my mind a lot of the time:( Made me feel unimportant:( Like he doesn't want to know.How should I approach this issue again with him? Any advice please?Thanks.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 April 2013):
 You are afraid of being confrontational, so there is a shut down, and this shut down is what makes you drift apart. Realize that your tiredness is temporary. I know Canada is big on breast feeding. 2 years is ideal they say. For the sake of a good marriage I believe one year is good enough.
Men don't respond to talk well. They don't connect through talking and it stresses them out. Besides feeling tired, you can say you miss the emotional connection. Reassure him you still find him attractive, and you appreciate him working so hard for the family. You feel sad because of the distance between you but you have faith that as the baby learns independence then you will have more quality time for each other.
There is an importance of silence too. Just gazing into each others' eyes has a much more positive effect than talking in seemingly two langauges (female and male). Women have a habit of talking, then more talking because for men feel they don't get to the point so men don't know how to respond. The frustration sets in when women don't feel heard and the men feel useless and hopeless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): First of all, you've taken the first step to helping yourself by writing it all down. Go back and re-read your own words and study them. You actually described the good points and the bad points of your your partner. You detailed exactly what it is your relationship is lacking. You even explained the reasons you actually feel this way. In effect, you have given some self-advice. You're a pretty smart woman. Don't sell yourself short.You are a new mother. With that, you may suffer some post postpartum depression. You have sleep deprivation, which only adds to your feelings of low sexual drive, exhaustion, and frustration with a mate who seems oblivious to all that is happening with you. Have you actually said the following to him:"Hon, I miss you. I miss work, and I miss having some time to myself. I listen to you all the time. I feel you seldom if ever wonder what's happening with me. I want to be intimate, but it's hard right now. I want to be myself. I feel all alone with you working all hours, and I want to be the best mother. I feel you and everything else is slipping away. I can't do all this without you."You need to address your low sexual drive, exhaustion, and emotional state to your doctor as well. While breast-feeding, s/he will offer some solutions that help new mothers through post natal care. You are showing the symptoms of new motherhood that has been passed down through the centuries. Ask your own mother and mother-in-law. This will alleviate any feelings of guilt you may be having. You have a right to be tired and to openly express it. Your partner has become a slave to his job. He is looking out for the financial support of his family, but maybe he has lost sight of one of the most important elements of his relationship. Your sense of well-being. Your comfort apart from sex. No one to understand what if feels like to hold so much emotion in her heart; but unsure how to express how it's a heavy burden to carry. He never looked back to see how all this effects you as a woman, a new mother, and his partner. Don't feel guilty, you've never been a mother before. I assume he has never been a father. You have been emotionally neglected, left to care for the child as if that is your only purpose in his life. It isn't intentional. It's life and all the responsibilities that go with it. He has a lot of pressure; which he confides in you. You quietly absorb it, feeling you have to be the rock that carries everyone's emotional needs, including your own, on your shoulders. He is there to share them, if you'd only share them with him. Keeping them to yourself hasn't helped has it?All your time is devoted to childcare. You need to get out. Have your mom or mother-in-law come over and help with the baby, while you go out and get a maniped (manicure and pedicure). Get your hair done, go to lunch with your friends. You need to get out of the house. No one will judge you for it. You keep it to yourself because you are an achiever, and you don't want anyone to think you aren't able to handle it all. YOU'RE ALREADY SUPER HUMAN FOR CARRYING A LIFE INSIDE YOU FOR NINE MONTHS AND THEN DELIVERING IT! Now you survive without sleep, care for another fragile little life around the clock, clean the house, shop for food, do the laundry, handle the budget. Let me stop before your head explodes.You are not bound to the umbilical cord anymore. You can still be a person. You can still demand time from your partner, and you can shut him up and tell him what's going on with you. You will not be less of a good person for doing so. You will save your own sanity.Call your friends. Arrange for a girls day out. Call your mother or mother-in-law; if they live locally, and ask them to sit with baby. They should love to do so. He needs to take a day or two off. Splurge on a good dinner, maybe a little dancing, a room in a fine hotel, and a good night's sleep. Do you have close and trusted relatives who can spend the night at your house with the baby? You can still keep a supply of breast-milk on hand. You can purchase a pump. It has been six months already.We all have to learn that our happiness is our own responsibility. We can't leave that up to others. If you're single, you still have to be happy...right?When he comes home. When he sits down to eat. Lay your heart on the table. You're not complaining, you're saving yourself and your relationship.Good luck!
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