A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In the 3 years we have been together my GF has been slowly letting herself go physically to the point where I no longer find her attractive.When we met in college, she was more physically active on a daily basis but now she has an office job where she just sits around all day.She complains about her body, but doesn't do anything about it consistently. I've tried to help both diet wise and activity-wise but she never really sticks with anything for more than a month. Basically, the issue is as soon as she starts to loose weight, her breasts (the one part of her body she feels good about) get smaller and so she stops, regains the weight and then some and keeps having poor body image. . . rinse and repeat.I feel like I can't push the issue without her getting angry. Can't point out that the salad we bought for her is rotting in the fridge while she eats cookies instead for lunch "because it's easier". Can't ask her to join me for my jog in the mornings anymore either apparently.I just feel like it's a losing battle at this point. If she can't be active in her mid 20s then how is she going to look later in life? What impact would that have on our potential kids? our sex life?I guess I'm wondering how I can communicate my feelings about the issue (which is obviously a sensitive issue) in a constructive way because I'm finally at my breaking point and don't want to be in a relationship with a person I don't find attractive.
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female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (16 March 2012):
 Honesty darling, Just honesty. Tell her gently exactly what you have told us. She may not realise how she is acting. If you are talking about potential children then this is something that you should be able to speak to her about. Its never easy but it needs to be done.
Good luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2012):
 You can tell her just like ODDS and Person12345 said. The problem is she’s not going to change till she is good and ready no matter what you say and what you want. I used to be 286 pounds and on 5’2” that put my BMI over 45… I was huge…. I tried to lose weight and it’s hard… and keeping it off is even harder… it’s about lifestyle changes that a person has to commit to… I had to accept that I can’t eat cookies and drink soda….
I finally had gastric bypass in 2009 and managed to lose the weight I needed to but then my body was so deflated and saggy I needed plastic surgery to fix that too. My body image as a fat woman was full and fluffy… there is nothing attractive about sagging skin even if you are healthy… and there is only so much a bra can do so I feel her pain (and yours)
You can want it all you want… and you do have to live by example (which clearly you do at least with exercise) but you can’t force her to do what YOU want only what she wants… so you may have to let her know that she is no longer what you want and you will be leaving… which truthfully if it’s true is kinder for both of you… there are men out there that find “fluffy’ women attractive…..
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 March 2012):
 I think you just need to tell her directly. No hints, just say "honey I just wanted to let you know I've noticed you're putting on extra weight. I know you're worried losing it will make your breasts smaller, but I'm concerned about the upward trend. I know this is hard to hear, but I think you're beautiful and I wouldn't want that to change." It will definitely hurt her feelings, and she'll probably be mad, but it will hurt less than being dumped.
She can always buy a padded bra if she's concerned about breast loss. It's always a little shocking to have to change your lifestyle so much after college, but once she gets into a routine it will become easier.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (15 March 2012):
 The best thing to do would be to just accept that there is going to be a fight, and that bringing it up in any way is going to result in much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Be prepared to weather the storm before she'll change.
Confront her about it, directly and openly. Be polite, but not evasive - you can't half-ass this. You've already tried the indirect route, and it sounds like you maintain a healthy lifestyle on your own, so both the usual options have failed (if it helps you, what you've already done is what I'd usually recommend, so you've done the right thing so far).
Sit her down for a talk (somewhere private like home, not out in a restaurant or anywhere public) and tell her she's letting herself go, and that while you still love her and want to be with her, you're not able to be attracted to her as she is. Tell her you want to work with her to get back into shape. About this point, expect her to start crying and/or accusing you of being shallow. Let it happen, but don't let it phase you. It's not shallow to want a healthy, happy girlfriend, and it's not shallow to want ot be attracted to your girlfriend. What is shallow is refusing to care for yourself, then expecting someone else to care for you (probably best not to say that part, though - the focus is on solutions, not sharing every little thought).
If, after the crying and accusing, she is willing to change, make her stick to it. For that matter, you have to stick to it as well. If she's eating salad and lean meat, you're eating salad and lean meat; if she's throwing away ice cream, you're throwing away ice cream; if she's hitting the gym, you're hitting the gym. Get and stay healthy together. Once you've done it a couple of months, it gets to be more fun and less of a chore, so stick to it.
If she won't change, or if you aren't prepared to deal with a fight, then just dump her and move on. This kind of thing will only fester and cause you to resent her - the feelings do not get better over time, they get worse, and if she won't help herself, you won't be able to help her.
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