A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy kinda on and off. (He's 24, and I'm 21; I met him during my first year of art college).We were together for three months, then took a break that ended up killing the relationship. (I was super clingy at the time and couldn't deal with him being unreliable. He's disorganized and irresponsible, rarely shows up on time or places he's supposed to be etc). We were distanced for awhile and then a few days after valentines we made out at a party and later, asked me out and on the date said he wanted to be with me again.I told him I would think about it, even though my feelings for him were mutual, I just didn't want it to end up the same because he's still irresponsible..We went on a couple dates afterwards that were fine but then we kind of just naturally lost touch a bit. We made out again in another circumstance, but there was still distance. A couple weeks later, with no distinct interest we ended up in an argument so I took him aside and finally asked what his thoughts were about us and what he really wanted because I was tired of things being all up in the air.He said he didn't know what he wanted, he said that he really likes me, but at times also hates me..? A couple days later he started being really nice and genuinely showed interest, despite what he had said. We usually butt heads a lot, but he seemed to be trying to put aside his stubborness, for the sake of. (And if something did happen he would apologize promptly). So I pursued this interest he took and we started calling each other nearly every night and even went on a double date with some mutual friends.He'd been low on funds, (and he lives 1hr+ away, plus no car or anything), but I still wanted to spend time with him so I organized a 'triple' picnic date with some friends but I was afraid to ask him because I wasn't sure if he'd want to go knowing it would be a 'date'. We never really officially talked about being together again, and I didn't want to pressure him after he said he didn't know what he wanted. Surprisingly, he agreed to this. On the day of the picnic, he picked me up at my house and we were walking to the subway when my Dad came around the corner (who was paying a lot of attention to his cell), and I kind of just let go of his hand when my Dad was there. The last time I talked to my Dad about this guy, I had told him that we wouldn't be getting back together, and if he should ask again after seeing us hold hands, I wouldn't know what to say since I didn't really know what we were and didn't want to make the wrong impression. After he passed, the guy brought up about what I'd just done. I told him about the situation and he kind of implied we were together saying 'I wouldn't be holding your hand if I weren't interested) but we never really reached a solid conclusion, and he started going on about his parents and how they never got married. And that all 'dating' and the term 'marriage' was, is just something religious. I didn't really agree but i didn't want to get into anything, and he's certainly allowed his own opinion especially if his family were that way.The date went fine, and a couple days later, our group of college friends were holding a party to celebrate the end of the art program. I really wanted him to come because I always feel incredibly lonely when he doesn't come places with our college friends (he used to all the time). So he agreed even though he had to work the next day. Everything was going fine at the party, just nice socialization.. until people started drinking. This girl got really drunk and she had to go to the bathroom and didn't want to go alone (the upstairs one was being used), so I took her downstairs to use the one down there. When I waited for her, a male friend came down who was probably equally, if not more drunk than her. When she came out, they started making out on the bed and then she pulled me down and asked me to play too. I didn't really know what to do, so I tried to avoid it but I also wanted to be there for them in case something happened that they regret ._. Then she ended up touching me and tried to make out with me a little bit but I kind of pushed her off (she's bigger than me, I couldn't do much). Then, the guy came down and I asked him to help and so took her upstairs. The guy who was still drunk and still down here with me pulled me over and started making out with me. He rolled over and stuff and it was really weird so I just stopped and turned my head and I think he took the hint.I went upstairs and stayed up there for a long while. Apparently, the drunk girl and the guy went back downstairs later in the night and something happened and he came upstairs spewing random things, "she's crazy" etc. So I went down with my guy this time to check up on her. She pinned me and was telling my guy how to kiss me and stuff and the way that girls like it (she's a lesbian). She was just being stupid so I just let her go on talking while holding me down and he didn't seem incredibly bothered by it so I just let her. She left later and he and I made out, but then I started having a reaction to my friends cat (who primarily lives downstairs, so all the hair and I'd been down there most of the night). So he took me home.We were walking to the subway and he asked why I kissed them and said that he didn't appreciate it because we were 'together'. I told him I didn't know we were together and he said it was kinda obvious through actions even though we never discussed it. He seemed okay for the most part, but near the end of the ride when we had to part ways, he wouldn't hold my hand or really touch me and got really quiet.He texted me to see that I got home safe, then said "Btw, we never decided on the whole thing so I'm guessing after today we should hold off on the "being together thing". Since then, he has not contacted me at all. When I tried to text him the morning after, he showed little interest and replied with short words. How should I apologize to him? I can't do it in person because I don't know where he lives, and if he isn't responding positively to texts he probably wouldn't agree to meet me somewhere, especially if he'd have travel and spend money he doesn't have. My friend said not to worry about it, and that he's probably only mad because I kissed another guy, that I should wait until he comes to his senses.Normally, what she said is what I'd do, but I think I really hurt him and what I did was wrong. But if he isn't replying I'm not sure how to fix it without intruding on his personal space or annoying him, what should I do..?I kinda just let them do it though.. I didn't really want any trouble and I wasn't offended by kissing them. (I've kissed them all before, we've played spin the bottle and drinking games with this group of friends plenty of times, so I thought it wasn't a big deal). I do feel pretty bad though, because if the roles we reversed and I thought we were dating and he'd kissed chicks I'd have been a lot more emotional about it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tenderlovingcare +, writes (7 May 2013):
 My first option would be to note down everything you want to get out in a conversation, rehearse it in your head so you know what you want to say and instead of texting, ring him and ask him to come over so you can talk?
My second option (if you know where he lives) Would be to write a letter explaining everything. All you can do as of now is explain because in my opinion you didn't do anything wrong. If I read this correctly, you say you didn't want to kiss them and you pulled away, then you did nothing wrong. Jut explain it to him. x
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