A
male
age
36-40,
*imln
writes:So I am living in a situation and I will give as much detail as possible so everyone will know how to address it and thank you beforehand I will appreciate the advice. Me and my wife have been married for almost 4 years in fact it will be 4 years coming up in February. Before we got married we knew each other for a good 2 years and was dating that entire time. When we first got together we kissed, we flirted we had sex we held hands we showed all kinds of affection. That died after about a year it picked back up 6momths before we got married and then we barely had a sex life at all after we got married then when we had our daughter 5 months after we got married the sex then died completely and so did all forms of affection. Now my wife is a little overweight but so am I.... we both work we both love our daughter...I clean I work and I do things for my wife whenever I can. I try and kiss her she will turn her head away, I try to seduce her in bed and my hand is pushed aside..... I try to talk to her and she says I'm tired......So recently after months without sex and this being a problem for the entire 4 years we have been married where she doesn't show affection and I getting hurt by it she then opens up a little to me a few months back and tells me she feels depressed.... she tells me the reason she doesn't wanna Show affection is she doesn't wanna be touched she feels self conscience....there is hardly a day I don't tell her she's beautiful..no one in her life is telling her she is less than what she is....them she tells me her parents didn't show her affection as a child so she doesn't feel comfortable with it. But I'm thinking she felt comfortable with it in the beginning during the honeymoon phase of our relationship and even further.... where was my memo and why be with me if she knew I loved to love on her and she didn't... that woulda changed things knowing ahead of time. We fight a lot guys she goes off on me for the smallist things and she's hateful about it...she woke me up one night because I was snoring and started yelling at me and treating me like dog shit because she couldn't sleep...like I could help it??....we often have good days where we laugh play with our daughter go out to eat and its great... the affection is still not there but she still will tell me she loves me. There has been a select few nights where she would cuddle with me and it was nice..there has been nights where she would cuddle with me and I will try to seduce her and I get rejected lol....before her I have been with many woman I love sex and I miss sex and always been complimented I make it about her pleasure and I reward her 1st before I get mine, I'm slow I love foreplay and I love romance and girls have always appreciated it.... and my wife did when we met then it died. But even if I was horrible at it does that mean your wife stops holding your hand or hugging you or letting you hold her at night? She now makes me feel Self conscience about my own self...I give her things I try to be spontaneous....so yeah at this point you think umm they need councling... so do I... she however won't go. I said we need to work on things and I said let me make a appointment and she says that there solution will be for us to divorce and I don't want that...I'm like you don't know that they will help us work on issues we have and make us stronger and she says we can do that ourselves....which OK I agree we can but we don't. She will not work on anything.... sure we talk about our lack of intimacy and she's like all you think about is sex...but I don't... a hug would go along way....and she knows that....she doesn't really believe its all about sex with me she knows I just want to love her and feel the love back. Maybe it's a lack of respect... let's think what about me doesn't deserve the respect... I work full time I go to school to enhance my career for my family.When I'm home I'm tired as hell but I still get down on my knees and play with my little girl.I cook dinner and clean .She handles the bills but I sometimes take that load off of her to and pay some.She's not a bad wife she cleans too she loves our daughter she works in the medical field as a nurse and hen she's home she's tired and I have rubbed her feet for her.Whats wrong here we're did I go wrong... do I honor our marriage and put up with it? A affair has crossed my mind damn I have needs and my hand has developed corpal tunnel lol but I would never cheat on her I believe in the sanity of marriage I'm old school.But what should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 December 2015):
 You need to be honest with her, I can understand why you wouldn't want to divorce her when you both have such a young daughter, but if you are both unhappy your daughter will pick up on these feelings. Be honest with your wife, tell her how unhappy you are, if she will not accept there is a problem well then she might realize once you have left that she needs to get help.
A
male
reader, Mimln +, writes (15 December 2015):
Mimln is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice....I'm simply unhappy and last few days have been horrible... I spoke with her about going to get help or see a doctor for depression I was real nice about it and she just blew menoff....I think I want a divorce and I don't know how to tell her...and my daughter is only 4 but I hate doing this
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 December 2015):
 The situation, as you describe, is unfair and understandably frustrating. Not one that anyone in a marriage should have to endure for too long of a time when only one partner is willing to seek a solution. My advice would be to go ahead and make the appointment with a therapist because at the very least you cant have it thrown back at you for not trying. No doubt she will again express her opinion on just how she envisages the sessions outcome and thats where I would suggest thats where you let her know without some help and things changing thats where you see things headed anyway. There are only so many times that you can tell her that you want her and your family before eventually you will give up or get caught in a moment of weakness and cheat. If thats being honest, then perhaps she needs to hear that. Maybe let her know that, for now, you are not interested in pursuing her for sex rather that you want to stay focused on reconnecting with her on other levels first. Have you ever considered asking just what it is that you may have done to make her feel this way towards you or if there is anything that she needs from you other than the obvious. I say this because sometimes women, yes Im one, do have this uncanny idea that men should know just what is going on in our heads. Doesn't sound like you are pressuring her however in her state of mind even the slightest hint that emotional intimacy must and will lead to sex is the reason to shut you out time and time again. Baby steps. A good idea perhaps would be for you to make arrangements for a baby sitter and plan for an evening of just being two adults enjoying each others company. Why not try dating again,without the sex, where you can see each other in ways that you do both did when you first met. Hang in there for the moment, please don't give up just yet but also don't allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated into being made to sit in the corner and do nothing either. If not for the both of you and the relationship, for yourself. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2015): Im surprised no one has mentioned the obvious . Many many mothers experince post natal depression after the birth of a child . It can last years if untreated and makes a woman unable to want sex and to feel extremely down . Perhaps a visit to the doctor to explore whether she could be experincing this serious condition that is often ignored.
Too many people are quick to blame a woman for a lose of sex drive instead of looking at the possible reasons why
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2015): You can't fix a marriage problem when your partner does not agree that it is a problem at all. Whatever token gestures your wife has said or done to try to work on this, they have been far outweighed by the other signs from her. She has made it clear that she does not want a romantic marriage anymore. I suggest you start thinking about a divorce. Sexual problems can be treated but this isn't a sexual problem. Its beyond that. She is not trying to help with your needs at all, including emotional needs.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 December 2015):
First off well done in acknowledging that their is a problem in your marriage and also please do not go and have an affair this would only make life much more complicated. I am well aware men have needs but so do women.
I am going to begin my advice by suggesting that maybe you both take up a fitness program and try and eat healthier? Your wife seems down on herself, you mentioned she is over weight, was she always over weight or has it progressed since getting married? If it has then I suggest you both get active. Maybe start off slowly, go to the gym, walk with your daughter and make healthy meals for the family, not only will losing weight give you both more confidence it will also take away bad moods and stress. So that's my first bit of advice.
Secondly being in the medical industry I am sure is quite stressful, it could be along with that stress your wife also feels depressed. She may have lost who she is the last couple of years and she has gotten in to a routine and she doesn't want that routine to change. Women need affection as well and if she is not looking for that then maybe she might have depression. Look out for the signs, if she is distant, sad, upset a lot, easily gets mad, then these are all signs that she might need to visit her doctor.
I am well aware that you are both more than likely suffering in this marriage. It is unfair for you both so I hope you can both progress from here.
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