A
female
age
51-59,
*heretogofromhere
writes:It bothers me when my guy watches porn and gets himself off. Why? Because he will do it just before I get home, right after I leave, when he thinks I'm sleeping and I am always ready and willing. In the last 5 months we have had sex 5 times. I've given him many many blow jobs. He rarely does anything for me. Granted, he had a hip issue that caused him a lot of pain but he has had surgery and feels better. He says he wants me all the time but never makes a move and when I try he rejects me. Usually because it's too early and he would fall asleep. But I get up way earlier than him and go to sleep way earlier. Now we are on different shifts and I hardly see him and all I can think about is he's at home watching porn and jacking off and I won't get any again. If I were getting some attention I wouldn't care. I know he isn't cheating. I've known him for many years as friends and I know he doesn't do that. So what do I do? I talk to guys online for attention and to pissed him off. I've asked many times for him to watch porn with me and he wont. I mastrabate when I am so frustrated I can't take it anymore, but it leaves me feeling empty and it's not satisfying. How do I stop obsessing and learn to accept that he is going to do that and I'm in a pretty much sexless relationship?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 October 2014):
 The medical issues sound very significant here. Perhaps his way of coping is to go off into his mental man cave, while yours is to seek solace in physical contact and closeness with him?
I think you should see a therapist either together or as an individual. Work through your feelings of bitterness and anger to find a way to communicate and accept the changes that are happening in your bodies.
Good luck with your surgery!
A
female
reader, Wheretogofromhere +, writes (23 October 2014):
Wheretogofromhere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha1, he is fairly young, 43, and recently had a total hip replacement.In the few months before surgery he was in a lot of pain and orgasms were actually very painful. He says he feels better now and he wants me, but now that we work different shifts I see him for a couple minutes in the morning and maybe 45 minutes when I get home and we spend that getting him ready to go.The week before he went back to work he was doing it a lot instead of trying anything with me when I got home. Now in two weeks I have to have a hysterectomy and won't be able to do anything for 6 weeks. I find myself siting at work obsessing about it, knowing he is home jacking off instead of getting something from me before he leaves. He lies about it, and i probably think he does it more than is reality, honestly, and I don't know how to get passed it.I'm at the point where I would rather never expect anything and have him not touch me and not ever think about why but I don't know how to stop thinking about it. Also, I've said that I do masturbate from time to time. If I do it with him it's fine for some reason but if I'm alone it is so unsatisfying. No connection with someone, no afterglow, just "ok, what now" it's depressing.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2014):
You could practice meditation and mindfulness to learn to let go of the frustration and continue masturbating without him.
Another option is to ask him to open the relationship so you can take a lover to satisfy your sexual needs, though your experiment with talking with guys online showed he isn't ready to accept something like that.
How do you stop obsessing? Yoga, meditation, masturbation, mindfulness, practicing other physical pursuits to work off the physical energy you have.
You don't seem ready to accept the sexless part of the relationship so not sure why you think there is a magic answer that will end your perfectly human and normal need for intimacy.
Perhaps you could get really creative and pretend you don't have sexual organs and a need for intimacy?
I think it would be easier to find a man who is more compatible with you.
Or maybe there's a physical component to his lack of sex drive? Maybe he's at that uncomfortable age for men when things start shift and they lose some of their hormones? Encourage him to see his doctor?
In the meantime ask yourself why you are trying to pretend everything is okay and that you have to put up with it?
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A
female
reader, Wheretogofromhere +, writes (22 October 2014):
Wheretogofromhere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, I don't "need" to be with him. I want to be. I've never been in a relationship where sex mattered to me before. I don't know why it's so different now. I really just want it to stop bothering me.
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A
female
reader, Wheretogofromhere +, writes (22 October 2014):
Wheretogofromhere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOlderthandirt, who says I'm not into them or the quality isn't there? Was just saying I make a point to take care of him and I throughly enjoy it!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 October 2014):
 The quantity of bjs is not relevant to anything unless there's a survey...it's the quality of said bj. if you're not into it why should he be? and the 'obligation' to accept a sexless relationship does not exist. Go find a more willing partner.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 October 2014):
 But why do you need to accept it? Are you bound to him by law, stating you are not allowed to leave?
I think the more relevant question is: are you getting what you want and need out of this relationship? And if the answer is no, then the next question is: why do you stay?
Why ACCEPT being miserable, when you don't have to? You clearly are miserable, and you clearly have not come to accept this situation, hence you are not ever going to find it durable enough to withstand for the rest of your life. So why force yourself? I really, honestly, do not see why, in this day and age, as a grown woman, hopefully independent, you can't live WITHOUT a man, as apparently ANY man, regardless of how incompatible, must be held on to. I don't get it. Please explain.
If it is about economics, and you and him must be together, I would say that as sex as stopped, and he clearly gets his needs met on his own, that you talk to him about returning to just being friends for the financial reasons, and you start a new relationship with someone else, someone who can meet your needs. Take a lover, for example. If this man meets all your other needs, except sexual ones. Then take a lover. If this man doesn't meet your needs, and you don't NEED him for some reason or other, then why on earth cling on to it? Part as friends. Not every relationship is worth the misery that comes with it, and you should certainly not accept misery. Better to be single, then. You'd be getting a lot more sex as a single person, so I don't see why you should force this.
Just because you care about him, which I am sure you do, and I am sure he cares about you too.. well, it's not enough to have love, there needs to be more. And right now, you're not in a relationship, you're in a room mate situation, and your roomie has the courtesy to wait until you leave the house to do his business. Robbing this room mate situation of all notions of intimacy that belongs to a relationship. He's being quite proper, and his actions clearly show you how he sees himself in a relationship with you: as a friend.
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