A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i think my other question was rejected so im asking again.ive recently found out my girlfriends ex boyfriend used her for sex and blowjobs... alot, and pretended to love her, she was a virgin before him. im 16 and a virgin and i had always wanted a virgin to virgin first but i choose to be with my current girlfriend because i love her, even if shes not a virgin.i hate her ex because he took a part of her she can never give me. he ruined something i wanted in my life. it was so close to perfect.im finding this information about her ex hard to handle but i am willing to accept it. im scared this will stick with me for as long as im with her. i dont know how to get over this and its killing me. thinking about her with him just hurts me so much. it has become a problem for me for the last few weeks, i couldnt go to school because i was too depressed because it was always on my mind.i know too much about her past and its hard to accept it. can someone please tell me how to accept it or give me tools to do so? i cannot let this ruin the best thing thats ever happened in my life.any help sincerely appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so im not a virgin anymore. your right, no difference. we were on the gold coast (some place away from where we live, used to be her home) near where her ex lives and her friends keep bringing him up in conversations, we saw him at the shops, i felt like killing him but my gf was feeling terrible so when she asked if i was ok i said yes because she wouldve broken down.
she was almost crying for like an hour after we saw him. she wants to move back there and i said no way because there's constant reminders of him there. its killing me and im not really sure if this dwells on my girlfriend too. shes brought so much baggage in our relationship its bringing us both down but if i left she'd be suicidal.
i probably would be too.
when we had sex she seemed to have a bit of room and the thought of it being her ex kills me so much. it also kinda intervened a little during, the thought of her ex i mean, but i never told her. this seems to be getting worse but im tied down and i choose to be with her. what do i do? i cant think of other things during these times it just doesnt work. its really tearing me apart.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 It sounds like you handled that as well as you could. She's of course not going to like to hear it, but you did the right thing in telling her it's your issue not hers. That's the most important thing.
I recommend not discussing it too much more with her. Just remind her that you love her, and, like you said, if it comes up: that it's because you love her that you don't like the image of her with someone else before.
Don't bring up the virginity thing: that's just going to make her more upset. It's not going to help, it's only going to make her feel more guilty. Which is unfair and potentially damaging to your relationship.
Just practice the things I mentioned before: finding ways to pull your mind away from thinking about these things when you find yourself doing so. Letting go of this is your main objective here: and difficult discussions with your girlfriend are not going to help you achieve that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni talked to her, i told her that when im alone everything i know about her ex has been dwelling in my head and that im seeing a psychologist and its the reason i havent been at school and not sleeping. i said its not her fault its the way my mind works. i told her i loved her so much and i think thats why i care about it at all but its my problem not hers and my psychologist said to be honest with how i was feeling.
i feel terrible because her eyes were watering and a few tears were running down her face. it was long lunch at school and i stayed with her the whole time and most of the school day and after school just telling her i love her because i feel horrible about bringing it up, i hope telling her was a good thing.
the said she must be a bad gf if i have to go to therapy but i assured her it was my own problems and she has been amazing in my life. she also said that shes guilty that what shes done is affecting me. i kept telling her its not her fault but i dont know if she still thinks so.
i feel horrible, it seemed to be better later in the day but she was extremely stressed about work and stuff.
did i need to reveal more or less? i couldnt bring myself to mention that her being a virgin was important to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh yeah and even bringing up the subject may make her feel guilty or angry. im pretty much screwed because she needs to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh yeah by the way i dont intend to criticize or throw it in her face or question her about him. knowing more about him will just make things worse.
im not going to make it seem like her fault because he pretended to love her, she was hoping for something better, how can i blame her for that.
im having trouble thinking of the words to say to her. its such a sensitive subject for both of us. hes her burdon and its turned into my regret, that he ever happened.
apparently i need to go through the 5 stages of grief according to another site, is that right?
any ideas what i should say to her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy psychologist says to talk to her and be honest about how i am feeling and just be careful how to say it. because apparently she needs to know how im feeling. im not sure
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reader, Yos +, writes (25 May 2009):
should i talk to her more deeply about this?
No. Well, it is good to tell her what you are feeling so she understands why you're behaving strangely. But don't question her about her ex any more, or criticise her past behaviour, or make her feel guilty, or that it was her fault. Because it wasn't. This is your issue and you need to own it: your responsibility towards her is to make sure she understands what you are going through.
are you really sure distraction is the answer? will spending more or less time with her help? distraction is extremely hard to achieve when my mind works this way.
'Distraction' might be the wrong word for it then. What happens is: you are triggered to think about this (her ex, and her etc), and your mind goes off into an near-unstoppable spiral of negative images and feelings.
That negative spiral doesn't lead you anywhere. It's easy to believe (I know i did) that 'thinking about it' will lead you somewhere. That if only you could 'figure it out' you can get past it.
But it leads nowhere. You can't think your way out of this, because the 'problem' is irrational, and based on the past, which you can't change. All that happens is, the more you think, the more you suffer and the more upset and jealous you get. It's a downward spiral, that leads only further downwards.
So you have to pull yourself out by 'changing the subject in your head'. When you feel yourself going, stop yourself. Tell yourself that it leads nowhere and think about something else. Distract yourself by having other things to turn your mind to. You're mind will by trying to trick you into thinking about your girlfriend and her ex, it will keep trying. You have to gently, patiently, but with determination not let it, and instead just think about something else.
It's really hard to do to start with, but it does get easier with practice. And it quickly becomes a relief because as you successfully pull yourself out of that negative space, you become less afraid of going there, and more confident that you can do it.
how long did it take you to suppress these feelings?
It probably took me about 6 months from my first 'crash' before I could say that it wasn't a constant issue. Which was a long 6 months! And then another 6 months before I felt very comfortable that I could handle situations like unexpected encounters with an ex, or my girlfriend accidentally revealing something she shouldn't have, or a strong external trigger (like a movie where something similar happened).
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshould i talk to her more deeply about this? i just cant bring myself to. she wants to move to where her ex lives because thats her home but i dont think i could handle running into him. i seriously feel like killing him coz if he has no memory of her its like it never happened, i wouldnt act on this though.
whenever i fall for someone i fall hard and thats never been a good thing. the ways ive handled it before are admittingly bad...cutting. it completely worked but i promised her i wouldnt so i dont know. my mind and heart has always been my enemy. peace of mind seems far out of reach.
are you really sure distraction is the answer? will spending more or less time with her help? distraction is extremely hard to achieve when my mind works this way. Shes had a shit past but somehow i get comfort in thinking its up to me to make it better this will be ok and that shes all mine at least for now and thats all that matters.
how long did it take you to suppress these feelings?
sorry im being annoying i know but this is the best help ive been receiving. i really appreciate this, thank you.
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reader, Yos +, writes (25 May 2009):
A: will it get easier with time and if i try my best (distracting myself)?
- Yes, but it takes patience, determination, and there will be setbacks. But it's worth it.
B: will these feelings pass if i have sex with her?
- No. And they can interfere with sex in bad ways too. Like you getting the feelings intensely during sex and having to stop.
C: will medication change feeling like this?
- Yes. Some people take anti-depressants for this kind of thing, which can be effective, although it's only a temporary solution as you can't stay on them forever. But to do that you need to see a therapist / doctor and get them proscribed.
"i thought i was the only one for a while since none of my friends share the same values as i do."
- You'd think so, but this can happen to anyone, and not when you expect it. I went through my life without caring about this at all, and then it hit me suddenly aged 33. For various reasons, but mostly because i was VERY in love, and she had a particularly messy past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirstly thank you so much for your help. i really appreciate it.this hasnt been getting easier when im reminded but i can get rid of the bad feelingfaster. i looked up more about retroactive jealousy (i think also called irrational jealousy) to see if i can find anything else and it seems like its from lack of self esteem,as well as difference in values. i dont think of her as "ruined" i think of an experience we couldve had that was important to me as ruined, though i promised myself that id lose it to someone that loved me and i loved regardless of virginity. i didnt know virginity was this important to me until now. i still can find an effective way to handle this retroactive jealousy. i know i cant change the past, but if there was anything i could change, it would be that. i kinda got drunk and said something to her, i said that if her exdoesnt matter anymore why does he keep getting brought up and that it hurts me tothink of her with other guys. which is fair enough i guess. she just said sheloves me or something but i was pretty drunk. woops :sive never thrown it in her face and i dont intend to just so you know, because i know people do. i just need to know that if im with her for the rest of my life (i know im 16 and probably nieve but im really thinking its a possibility) that i wont struggle with this, im hoping its those people who throw it in the others face that are the ones that struggle with it but im wanting to accept it and move on. i dont want this to be a problem for the rest of my life.i guess i could try thinking about the last time we spent time together, or whatyos said and thinking about how much we love each other every time i think about the bad things to distract myself. is there medication for thinking differently, specifically more positive?overall im asking:A: will it get easier with time and if i try my best (distracting myself)? B: will these feelings pass if i have sex with her?C: will medication change feeling like this?distracting myself seems to be some kind of denial to me.i have chosen to be with her over all this. the good times are worth it, andwe are like best friends too. i cant throw that away, its me with the problem andill still have it if i dump her.ive learnt ignorance is bliss especially when its to do with someones sexual history.the facts that she did those things dont bother me nearly as much as the details.i just know some things i really shouldnt know and those things haunt me when im alone.if i left her i dont think id get over it for a very long time, she is insecureby what shes done so if i dumped her she would really be messed up, as would i.i know she didnt always have the same morals/values that ive always had but shes different now. she was probably trying to get guys to like her by doing those thingsbecause she was insecure.her sexual history isnt that bad, i just know too much about it.but even though i understand the problem, it still stands. its slowly getting slightlybetter i think.thank you so much youve helped me understand this problem alot more. i thought i wasthe only one for a while since none of my friends share the same values as i do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): You are hurt that she valued her sexual innocence less when she gave it to him than you would have. She clearly valued it less than you valued your innocence when you gave it to her later.
This is what is really tearing you up. It's a very deep difference in values. You are having a hard time coping with the idea that she was more easily bedded and used than you would have been in her shoes.
The important thing is to ask yourself whether this is a past or a present thing about her, and whether she is "like that" today or not. Sure she is respecting herself now that you are respecting her, but would she be respecting herself any more than before if her next BF after him had not been a decent guy like you? Figure THAT one out and you will get closer to the core of this.
You don't want someone who will respect herself and value her sexuality because now she is with someone who wants her to. You want someone who already shared your values in the first place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): grown men cannot still accept the no. of men their gf/wives have slept with so please do not feel bad that you have all these feelings.
you are only 16/17 and it is highly unlikely that you are going to be together forever. sorry but this is reality. your thoughts are consumed by the sexual act but why not just enjoy the moment. it does not make you a bad guy that you wanted to have sex with a virgin when you are one yourself. you need to work on this slowly and sometimes men especially do not get over this. so please take 1 day at a time and enjoy the time with the gf.
but if these thoughts are still a major issue sadly its time to move on. it will be hard but you will survive.
in life we all have choices., i am not going to condemn/betrate you just because you have decided that you want a virgin. we all have our preferences and we should respect yours.
as for school you need to concentrate on this. PLEASE. hisgf thing will find a way to work out. do not let it depress you.
you may not want to hear this but perhaps a few yrs from now you may just be the stud everyone wants. then you won't worry about virginity too much.
do not let your precious young life be ruined by what you could not control. no use hating this other guy. just be you and accept, if you cannot please move on. one thing you will also learn - sometimes nothing is forever. you know this site and know what shit happens in life. i hope you have learnt something here.
good luck. time will heal. you ar a good guy. we should not condemn you. you are doing nothing wrong but the only wrong thing is the obsessing about her past.
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 May 2009):
"so what youre saying is i need to change my thoughts?"
Yes, kind of. You can't change your initial thought, but what you can change is how you react to your thoughts. One thought leads to another, which leads to another, which leads to another... and so on. Always with retroactive jealousy (which is what you have) those thoughts are negative, and make us feel worse not better. You cannot 'think your way out' of this. You can only stop thinking about it.
In your case, thoughts of him lead to thoughts about her being 'ruined', and what you have lost, and similar. You can't stop the initial thought of him, it just pops into your head (and makes you feel immediately bad). But what you do have control over is what you do next. Instead of focussing on that thought, and the bad feeling, 'change your attention' to something else. Each time you have to say to yourself 'i choose to think of something else'. Pick a few things you are interested in, so you know what to think about. You want to distract yourself.
I also created a short phrase that I could repeat to myself in those situations. It was about how much my girlfriend and I loved each other, and by repeating it over and over (in my head) it allowed me to focus my thoughts away from the negative images.
"What do i do if something happens that completely reminds me? change my thoughts again but try harder?"
The same as I said above. At some moments you get a very strong reminder, and you can't help but feel terrible. At those times just try to relax and find a quiet spot. Breath slowly and clear your mind as much as you can, and try to then think of something different. Sometimes you just can't do that (I've been there myself), you just have to accept that you're going to feel terrible for a bit and let the emotions hit you. Just wait for the worst to pass and then move on.
The other thing to do is to avoid situations where you know you will get triggered. I have learned to avoid certain things (a few TV shows and movies) that I know will make me think about this.
"Can someone please tell me how to fully get over it. will time and changing my thoughts completely stop it?"
Some people struggle with this for their whole lives. Others get over it, either completely or nearly completely. Personally I experienced it very severely for about 6 months to 1 year, but now it is more like a quiet whisper. It is sometimes there, but it does not bother me and I am able to easily change the subject in my head, which makes it go away. Because I know it doesn't control me anymore, I no longer fear it or think about it, it's just a small irritation now and again that means very little. Which, compared to how it was when it was bad, is great!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni like Yos' comment, you are completely right. but some of the others, you assume i bring it up with her, i never have, not once so i am not self centred, im on here to find answers without concerning her about how i feel, because it may hurt her that her past mistake is living on through me, the last thing i want to do is hurt her. yeah maybe the way i wrote it seems self centred but this is a big issue for me, and maybe ive made it a big issue for myself by obsessing, fantasizing etc. i guess i have that kind of personality. so what youre saying is i need to change my thoughts? what do i do if something happens that completely reminds me? change my thoughts again but try harder? can someone please tell me how to fully get over it. will time and changing my thoughts completely stop it?
as someone said about me only caring how i feel you are wrong because i only asked about it because somehow she kept bringing small things about her ex up, and she seemed so depressed about it and i hate it when shes sad. the reason why this all affects me so much is because what he did was horrible, and to the girl i love. everybody has a past? if you mean sexual thats not true. i do agree with ginas latest comment though, im just having trouble accepting it though. but thank you all, even the non constructive comments. its good to know people are willing to help. thanks
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 May 2009):
"...he took a part of her she can never give me. he ruined something i wanted in my life. it was so close to perfect."
You have to stop thinking in those terms. Your jealousy towards her ex is twisting your logic, you're not really making sense.
He didn't take 'part of her' because she is all there for you now, and he has nothing. She isn't 'ruined' in any way. And perfection is an illusion. You've tied all these three things together into a point of view that's distorted and damaging.
To get past this you have to learn to stop focussing on it. Clearly you're obsessing about it, you need to turn your thoughts to other things. Do so gently but firmly, and every time you feel your thoughts drifting back to her ex, change the subject.
I've commented on this issue a lot in the past, you can look at my post history to read more. I experienced it myself in fact. It's a common problem and comes up on this site very regularly. So you can also perhaps take some comfort from the fact that you're not unusual, and that many other men have and continue to have similar experiences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): Considering you say that you love her you are very self centered, your only thinking about how you feel not how she feels. You talk about her past ruining somthing which is almost perfect and that you hate it but think about how she feels not only having to go through being treated like that but having to put up with you bringing it up constantly. Everybody has a past and its somthing that you are gona have to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): If you dont like it think how she feels. If you love her just accept it and dont bring it ip again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionof course its not worth that!!! but it seems like you are blaming me for how i feel, i cant help it. i have kept this from her for nearly 3 weeks, shes never known how much this has affected me because i dont want to hurt her. im seeing a psychologist and a councellor, not helping as of yet but i AM trying. i just need to know this will fade in time. im not digging this up, she only told me 3 weeks ago so its new to me. but its horrible what he did to her so of course im going to have a hard time accepting this. the last thing i want to do is hurt her but its at the cost of the honesty of telling her. you are telling me to forget it but not telling me how to stop thinking about it. divert my thoughts? can i do that forever? id much rather accept it than avoid it
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