A
female
age
51-59,
*eaLea89
writes:I've been living with my boyfriend less than a year. I'm 43, he's 45. When we first got together, he was very giving, caring, loving. We went out and had fun, and we also stayed in for romantic nights. Now he rarely even takes the time to notice me. He's either playing the video game he's obsessed with, playing with his dog ( which I feed, take care of and clean up after), eating, sleeping or complaining. When I try to talk or share something funny, he blows me off. Now it seems that he's not happy about the amount of time I spend on the phone or Facebook. I told him that I would put down the phone if he would get off the video game. It worked for about an hour. He thinks that interrupting me to do some stupid task on his game is no big deal. But he gets mad if I do the same to like or share a post on Facebook. I've explained that the main reason I'm on FB is because I got sick of being ignored while he was on his game. I can't seem to win. Everything is a double standard. When I treat him the way he treats me, I'm the bad guy. But its fine when he does it. Its like he wants me to just sit and quietly watch him until he has something to say. I'm to the point where I don't care if he gets upset and feels ignored. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? But then he calls me selfish. Now the tables are starting to turn, he's the one feeling rejected and ignored. Part of me wants things to be like they were last summer. And part of me is actually enjoying being a bitch. I'm just frustrated and bitter because he'll be a jerk one day, and the next day he'll act like everything is wonderful. No apologies for hurting my feelings, and then he's surprised when I'm cold to him. How do I get the old me back? I'm sick of everything being on his terms and suiting his moods, without any regard for my feelings. Its getting old. Any advice will be very appreciated!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 August 2014):
 Glad to hear it!
Best of luck and thanks for the follow up.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 August 2014):
 Good for you! I hope you will enjoy the new adventure :)
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A
female
reader, LeaLea89 +, writes (15 August 2014):
LeaLea89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood news! I was recommended by a former student to an athletic director to be the new coach at my son's high school. My interview is Monday and I'm very excited. Ciar and Honeypie, the two of you were so right. When I told him about the new part time job, he was very encouraging and he even said that he wold be at every game to support me. Things are getting better already and he's been asking me if I have any new material. He seems genuinely interested in the process. Thanks again everyone!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 August 2014):
I agree with Ciar.
Don't Facebook as a "punishment" or FEEL like his gaming is punishment on you.
I would look into things to do outside the house. Like museums you haven't seen or hiking group (whatever tickles your fancy) and ask him if he wants to join. If he doesn't then GET OUT of the house and LIVE life. Posting on FB is not living life. Playing games on the computer isn't living life either - it's BOTH escapism.
BE the old you. If he wants to be the "old" him WITH you all the better, if not.. at least you get to live life, not just be upset at him.
Long term, if you can't get him off the computer and out there to join you, then I would seriously consider moving out and moving on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 August 2014):
I meant to include...
What would you be doing right now if you were single? I don't mean going out on dates with men, but how you would be spending your free time if you lived, what hobbies do you enjoy. Then ask yourself what's stopping you. Maybe you could sign up for volunteer work one or two nights a week, or get together more often with a couple of friends, or see a film by yourself. What's stopping you from doing any of those things now?
Either your boyfriend will want to be part of this interesting new life or he'll get left behind. Either way, you'll be enjoying yourself and it will be easier to cut him loose if that's what you eventually decide to do, it won't be that big a loss to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): "How do I get the old me back?"
By replicating the circumstances under which the old you existed. You were the old you before you shacked up with your boyfriend so I suggest you move back into a place of your own.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 August 2014):
It's good that you've decided to occupy yourself, but instead of doing it angrily or as a punishment, do things you enjoy doing just because you enjoy doing them.
If and when he complains ask him something like 'What would you like to do?' or 'Did you have something in mind we could do together?' Not as an accusation but a genuine question. Be upbeat and matter of fact. If he can't think of anything you respond with 'Ok, well let me know if you think of something.' and go back to whatever you were doing. Do not respond to any snide comments from him. Don't take the bait.
Doing it in a cheerful, confident, matter of fact manner denies him an excuse to get angry and play the blame game and it shows him that you mean business. If you do it as a punishment he knows he just has to ride out your anger (or guilt trip you) and things will return to normal.
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