A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, there's a guy (isn't there always) who I met at the end of my long term relationship. He's separated and in the middle of a nasty court battle re kids. He and I initially bonded over our dislike of our exes (great baseline, I know) and have discovered we actually have lots in common. When we're together we have an amazing flow that I haven't experienced ever. So, we hooked up and it was great, afterwards he asked if this was a one time deal and explained he doesn't like feeling used. So for the last few months we have lapsed into a fwb type of thing. But now I'm doing all the initiating, he hasn't made any effort recently to hook up at all. He's always happy to see me and says if he wasn't into me he'd tell me, but I feel like a needy pain in the ass. What happened? Should I say to hell with this mess or back off and see if he calls? I'm so baffled by the change of heart, I would have been fine with a one time deal and he was so adamant that he wanted more so why now the cold shoulder? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSoo update...I decided to wash my hands of him only to get a call last week - he is bipolar and was having a depression cycle. Now that he's feeling better hes back to how he was before, but apparently this is a common thing for him so not sure if I'm relieved or not! But thank you for your help, I did take everyone's advice :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 October 2014):
 If all you want is a FWB until life settles down then what you have is fine. He accepts your invites because he likes you but he does not want more than a casual FWB thing with you so he lets you do all the work and he benefits by getting laid.
IF you want MORE than FWB (or if you do all the initiating and all you two do is have sex then it's fuck buddies) and he does not, then you are SOL and you should walk away now.
If you feel like a PITA then stop calling him, don't email or text him... see how long it takes for him to get in touch with you... when he does... note how long it takes (3 days 6 days a few weeks) and if it's for sex then you know.... it's all about the sex nothing more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014): If one person is making all the effort to stay in contact, that's not a relationship. I say back off and see if he begins contacting you. Some people would call this old fashioned, but if he does contact you, don't jump right back in contacting him, see if he begins to pursue you for a relationship.
Wouldn't give him too much time to see what he will do because you will be missing out on meeting other men.
Take Care
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 October 2014):
 He doesn't want a one time deal, but he doesn't want a full on relationship either. He wants it when he wants it, when he's not busy. It's not a very good deal for you. Maybe the next question for him is, "is this a whenever-works-for-you deal, because I don't want to feel used either." He didn't date you so don't expect him to act like he's going to be your boyfriend. The only thing you need to know is that if he's not making effort, then there is no relationship. Things need to be spelled out thoroughly. You can't just assume wanting more than a one time thing means a relationship.
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