A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't understand what happened on saturday night with this girl i'm friends with, i've known her three years and never seen this side of her!!She's always been a confident, talkative and happy girl. We're on the same course at university and I've always been attracted to her, she's very flirty and incredibly sexy and beautiful so she's definitely hard to resist. We've had our moments over the years and clearly are attracted to each other, but she's always dating someone so I never get the chance to properly get with her. Point is, on saturday we were talking about us jokingly and flirting and I asked why we haven't gotten closer since she's been single for a long time now. In fact, this is the longest I think she's been since for because of her ex, i don't know too much on what happened and why it ended. But she did tell me last year it was the most upset and hurt she's ever felt before and that she loved him so much and apparently from what her friends have said, it was a horrible break up that honestly couldn't have happened to a nicer girl. But she never shows it, whether that's because we aren't around each other outside of university, I don't know. But she's always seemed happy even after it ended, so I didn't realise how much she was still affected by it.Well we got to talking and I asked about what happened and him and she said she didn't want to talk about it, that it's in the past and all that stuff. But it was how she said it that made me sure she still had feelings for him and that she was hurting from what happened, so I told her she didn't have to lie to me, but she smiled and denied it again. I asked her one last time if she was sure she was okay and she started tearing up and said she finally told me she wasn't okay. We ended up talking for a while and she definitely opened up and it was amazing that she told me all of that and how she was feeling. I'm not a sensitive guy at all, but it did make me feel sad that all this time, she was hurting so much more than I realised from what happened and having her first love break her heart and treat her like that, it's no wonder she feels that way. I haven't had mine broken, or been in love so I don't know how that feels. But hearing her talk to me and seeing that emotional side of her honestly gave me that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, I really felt like I could feel her pain. It just surprises me so much that this girl who i've known for years and always as i said been a happy burst of energy. Is someone who is hurting and so broken inside, that this side i saw of her on saturday was like two different people is shocked me. How is it she managed to keep that so well hidden all this time, how was that possible because I know many people wouldn't of been able to easily! And why do you think she kept it to herself, it clearly took me asking a lot a prying to find out she felt this way? I can't understand this.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Though us of the female persuasion are supposed to be more "sensitive" and "emotional" then men or the average bear, it doesn't mean we wear our emotions on our sleeves.
A person who has gone through a bad break up, can either mope around and throw themselves constant pity parties and remain victimized or they can accept that shit happened and you move on.
It is NOT what happened that matter it's HOW you deal with it AFTERWARDS. No matter what.
IN your friend's case, she chose to try and be happy, to enjoy life, to find friends and have life affirming experiences while in Uni. Because THAT is how she CHOSE to deal with it.
Does it mean she didn't think you were a good enough friend to "share" her pain with? Doubtful. Maybe she is just a more private person.
And having had a rough break up doesn't mean she has to be hear broken and crushed for YEARS to come. Or cry her eyeballs out at the drop of a hat. Who knows, maybe she DID all her crying already. And good for her.
My best friend married when she was 16 to get out of her parents home. They were abusive alcoholics. Her husband wasn't much better. She still managed to raise two daughters and the moment her youngest moved out at 18, she filed for divorce. She is the sweetest, yet strongest person I know. If she hadn't told me about her life, I would have never guessed what she went through. She doesn't carry it around because she chose to put it behind her. She is now happily married and thriving.
You asked he about her past and she told you she didn't want to talk about her, so here is a newsflash, RESPECT that. Don't dig. It's actually NONE of your business. If she wants to talk and open up, that is a GOOD thing. Just remember to hold judgement. Just let her vent.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Most people do not walk around over-sharing their unhappy past experiences. There are some who cannot manage to shake the 'victim' label or who have such poor self-esteem that they permanently convey their own low opinion of themselves through their actions and words.
If you ask me how I am, I'll tell you things are fine. I do not volunteer information about the current or past crises in my life unless I feel extremely close to you or I am in need of some active support, and I think you are someone who is sensible and capable of offering that support without causing distress to yourself in doing so.
If everyone who had their heart broken at one point or another walked around in emotional distress for the rest of their lives, we'd all be deaf from the wailing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Not many men can understand us women, hun. Just like us women can't understand you guys. Some girls (including myself sometimes.) are like that. It's not a good habit for girls especially my age, because it can lead to serious health issues. But nowa days, I just don't keep it all in. I think what you should do, is do what you did on Saturday night. Remind your friend that she's always got someone to talk to. Tell her that you're there for her to open up to whenever she needs you. She probably didn't want anyone knowing her business either. maybe that's why she kept it to herself, which again I have to mention, is not a good thing when it comes to something like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): I don't understand how you can't understand that people can be sad but hide it and get on with life.
I mean a pretty significant number of women you come across in university are dealing with sexual abuse or having been raped, or having been dumped, or have an addict relative, or relative that's just died, or exam stress is too much for them, or they slept with a random guy and feel used etc How many people can you pick out of the crowd and say they're dealing with some profound sadness?
Not many, OP and the people you think are, probably aren't, because most people hide that and if it's too much for them they're not going to go into college they're going to get their shit together first.
The same goes for people you're acquainted with. Not everyone wants to bare their soul to people and make themselves even more vulnerable, they also don't want to have to think about it at times, they can also be happy with life in general but have underlying issues, plus most people don't want to be burdened with that crap from people they're not that close to.
In other words, OP, you're not a mind reader, no big deal. It's easy to hide your feelings from people. Some people can't but most can.
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