A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am an open mind attractive 34 y.o. woman. I am independent, work full time, have been in UK on my own for 10 years, inteligent, etc. but today i was struck with a question from someone i do care, he said: ' i really do not understand why you do not have a boyfriend, why you dont have a boy friend?'. I dont know, or if I know i think the answer is not fair. I had done therapy before to sort things from my childhood, i got to a point where i had increased my confidence quite a lot from where i was, i am sexually very confident and open minded. but i still feel attract to unavailable men, or when 1 out of a blue moon is interested in me the person has nothing that atracts me. the thing is, is not that i have lots of men around to be picky, i simply do not attract men who wants to have me for a date. the answers like:dont try to hard = I dont, i enjoy being single too, i am laid back and enjoy my sexual freedom too, my independence. show that you are interested: yes, when i am keen on someone i do say, i think life is short not to say.go out and meet people in bars = i dont drink and dont see the point of bars, and there are man every where anyway, if i am to meet someone it will be. once i had a boyfriend i met on the tube, and the other was the plumber... it is just that i can count on my fingers on the past 10 years how many times i have been asked on a date = 3 times. If at least i had people invinting me for dates and then being fussy is one thing, but i hardly have anyone who flirts with me, do i pass some unconscious message to them?however, when i decide to have a bit of fun once in a blue moon just to fulfil my sexual needs, men say i am very sexy, and know what i want in bed. and no, if your answer is if you want a boyfriend dont play around, does not work for me, if my track record if i wait for a boyfriend i wont never have sex. and it is really like once a year that i take a month to go wild and then keep a black book just in case. despite done therapy before i came across to the fact that i may suffer from Abandonament (and had some exercises to do when the overwhelming feeling came to me) and yesterday i search the net 'feeling of abandoment' and was not surprised that the behaviour described of someone who feels abandonmden is exaclty like me. it is an overwhelmed feeling. these two paragraphs reprensents how i feel and what i do: Why does the insecurity linger? Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.Insecurity is an aphrodisiac. If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you. i know i wrote too much and may not make sense, but hope someone can try to read between the lines and shed some light.
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 My personal opinion is that you are not in a good place for a relationship. I think that you are fairly comfortable with your life as it is. Is that so bad? Do you feel bad that you are not with someone or is that coming from people who are making you feel that way? If you haven't had a solid relationship in 10 years I'd say your sub-concious is turning these men down because deep down you do not want a relationship. I'm not familiar with the abandoment concept except that perhaps it is your way of dealing with the impending rejection...just prevent it from happening all together.
Until you learn to be ok with hurt, pain and the flip side of the love coin there probably isn't much chance of having the joys of it either. Not sure if any of this make sense to you. Try and figure out if you really are up for a relationship.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi there,
wow, this is such a complicated problem without any real obvious signs of what is wrong - save for your Abandonement issues of course.
And perhaps this is the root of your problem, when you go out to pick up once in a blue moon ( and no, I am not going to say picking up a guy for sex is a bad idea )I imagine you go out brimming with confidence - guys approach you then don't they? Now I'm not saying go out and flirt in order to meet men but I am a believer that we wear our emotions on our face and us guys are very superficial folk, if a girl doesnt look warm and welcoming we generally move off in the other direction.
If you wear your problems on your sleeve so to speak, it is always going to be hard to attract a man who wants to get to know you better, at the start of the relationship we all want things to be nice and relaxed and laid back. If the big issues suddenly pour forth then most guys are going to think the girl is simply high maintenance and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
But I'm only guessing here, what about your friends, they know you, what do they say?
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