A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've never been much of a romantic; I don't really believe in love at first sight, or soul mates, and far prefer my relationship to be based on practical criteria over emotions (we have common interests, we have good conversations, we have a similar value and moral system, etc.) But there's one thing that I've always wanted in a relationship, that might be considered "romantic." I'm wondering if it's too unrealistic an expectation, or if it's worth holding onto. I've always wanted LUST at first sight. That whole scenario of looking across a room, seeing someone and saying to yourself," GOLLY are they hot/attractive. I just gotta meet them." The problem is, guys never approach me. Every relationship I've had, began because I pursued the guy and the guy decided to date me because of my personality. For example, I'm sort of seeing a guy right now, and last night I asked what he thought when he first saw me. His response was," Oh I didn't notice you until you introduced yourself."That really hurt. It turns out he wasn't attracted to me at all (he said he "just didn't think about it") until well into the conversation when he found out I had similar interests and had an idea of my personality. My friends tell me I should be thrilled that a guy likes me for my personality, that "looks fade and are superficial" and that physical attraction isn't that big of a deal anyway. But I have a lot of insecurities about how I look, and it makes the relationship feel.... worthless, somehow. How can you sustain a romantic relationship when the guy isn't into your looks, or is only attracted to you based on your personality?? Isn't that called a friendship? And-maybe it sounds silly-but I imagine telling the story of how Mom and Dad met to my kids. "Oh, I saw him across the room, and he looked like so much fun and was so adorable I was instantly attracted." "Yeah, I totally didn't notice your mom cause I was too busy checking out hot chicks."I also want my partner to see me as, if not THE most beautiful woman in the world, at least exist among them. But all of my boyfriends have at best seen me as "cute." Not sexy, or beautiful, or pretty, but "cute" while drooling over other women they see out and about. It makes me wonder if wanting my partner to see me as hot is an unrealistic expectation. I can't imagine it's that high of a hurdle, and yet in the 12 years I've been interested in boys (I'm 28) I've never been able to achieve it. If you're unattractive, do you just have to accept that no one is ever going to love you for your looks? So is it a difference between being alone, or dealing with your partner not finding you physical attractive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I agree with your friends that you are lucky. It's very superficial to be loved only for your looks, in fact lust without love is empty and can never last. You are considered an attractive PERSON.
If you want to look better there are all sorts of things you can do. You can have a makeover, a new haircut, get your colours done at an image consultant... just watch the programmes on TV. But what you have, a great personality, is worth so much more.
What does it matter whether these guys noticed you for your looks? But if they are drooling over other girls give them a miss as that is insulting: with your personality, you don't have to put up with that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I couldn't wait till I read all the comments and start answering to your post.I went through the stage that u are in right now. I even told my daughter recently that I grew up being an ugly child and then an ugly teenager and then an average looking young woman. She couldn't believe it. She said, Mom, but how can it be, you are in your 40s now, and men hit on you all the time, all ages?And that's true. I just visited her, she lives plane ride away from us, and everywhere we went somebody would start a conversation with me. I would get comments on a street, men would just come up and tell me that I m beautiful.It all happened when I understood what needs to be done to attract guys.It became my habit, I enjoy this little pleasure if life. First you need to change how you dress. Confidence is definitely a very attractive quality, but it comes next, after they laid an eye on you.You have to give them something. I never dress slutty but I know how to dress to compliment my body. I loved baggy clothes, growing up in 80-90s. Not anymore. I have thin waist and big breast, why not to show it?I always had an hourglass figure but who ever saw it? Then I was wondering why guys look at me non stop when I wear a certain dresses but not other. And I found the answer. Show some skin. They are visual creature for one, but also when we dress a certain way it's a sign to them that we are approachable. Guys are shy also, and they are the ones who usssualy take initiative.Even high hills can make a whole difference. Somebody said here:long hair.that's a big one. I loved my short hair do,s , my husband hated it. I started growing hair, wearing them long and wavy.I get compliments about them all the time.And then I was so self conscious about my looks that even if I met a guy who was looking at me I would never return his glance. That's a big mistake. They need some sign that we at least don't mind their company.I really wish you good luck. It really doesn't take much to attract men,(sorry, guys).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 But making a guy fall in love with you because of your personality IS romantic- very romantic. Ever seen "Bridget Jones " or " I love shopping " ?:) The girl is just average, and she gets the cool ( and rich ! ) guy just because she is spunky, genuine, funny, etc.etc. Ok ok, we are talking about crappy chick flics here ,not real life. But the concept stays- it's more romantic ( and more lasting ) to win over someone who is not immediately smitten by your looks and slowly get under his skin and become indispensable to him.
Yeah,I get what you mean, though. Everybody loves an ego boost , more so if you are not that confident. Having that power to make people stand up and take notice just by entering a room is , well,... is about power, so it's empowering. It sure feels good to feel desired. Then, there's the flip side of the coin , though, which is, are you desired for what exactly ?. The guy that MUST come and talk to you and get your number , well, maybe it's not that he felt love at first sight and thought " Yes, that's her. My heart tells me that we were destined together from the beginning of times " Most probably , he thinks along the line of " Wow, nice ass ! Lemme see if I can get a piece of it " or " I would not mind having a closer look at those tits, let's see if I can chat my way into her bed ".
This " I am zapped " instant attraction thing is most of the times a purely SEXUAL attraction, it's just... the call of the wild. Which is not bad or wrong per se, just probably does not mean " Oh I have met my ideal " as you'd like to think .
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Lust at first sight is not something everyone experiences. Don't worry about that. But if you want him to look at you with lust right now? Make yourself look the best you can - get a gym membership, eat healthy (and do research, a lot of common knowledge about healthy eating is false), and use makeup. Grow your hair long, and learn to dress with the right mix of display and modesty. Or just dress purely for display, and you'll get a few looks.
Get him over at your place one night, make him wait for you on the couch, and change into some lingerie. Put on some heels, walk in really slow, looking him right in the eye. I guarantee he'll lookat you with lust if you do that.
It's not shallow at all to want to be looked at that way - and truthfully, attraction is a major part of a relationship. But you have to be realistic and work with what you have, and you have to savor your successes rather than putting yourself down.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Oh I have to say, you need to find a man who is a giver. A giver will compliment you often, show his attraction towards you, let you know how wanted and desired you, and wont hide his passion for you.
A modest man will be few with words, maybe show you his attraction through actions, but with your insecurities you are probably ignoring physical signs of attraction and just going by words alone.
A selfish man might think you are sexy, but wont tell you. He'll not care to give you compliments, even if you deserve them, and he wont give you attention or show desire for you other than when he feels like he can gain something from it (such as sex or money).
So the degree of compliments you receive, and the level of desire you are shown, have much more to do with the type of man you are with than it has to do with how you look.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 April 2012):
"But I have a lot of insecurities about how I look"
And because of your insecurities you also translate what the men are telling you into something negative. It doesn't have to be interpreted as "not attracted to my looks" when a man says he didn't notice you at first, or didn't think about it.
"Not sexy, or beautiful, or pretty, but "cute" while drooling over other women they see out and about."
And there your insecurity goes again and makes you think they drool over other women. You're making that up. You're imagining that they drool over other women. Most probably they're drooling over you, but you are determined that that can't be so.
Attraction depends far more on who you are and the "aura" around you than you plain physical looks. Attraction, and sexiness, lies in mannerisms, not plain looks. But your insecurities has you convinced otherwise.
Without make-up on, with my thick glasses on, with my hair in a boring braid and with baggy clothes on.. well, not many or any would care to notice me or immediately find me attractive. But that's not because I'm ugly, or unattractive. However on a night out, dancing and laughing, I get lots of attention and men who notice me. However it is still ME, you know. Same face, same body, same hair. The only difference is how I present myself, how I carry myself, and my BEHAVIOUR. While bagged up and doing grocery shopping I'm not that sexy. While dancing and laughing I am sexy. Behaviour and scene are your clues here.
While naked in bed with a man you are most definitely the sexiest woman to him. You need to realize that you have that sexiness in you at all times, but you do not always show it. But not always showing it doesn't mean you aren't sexy, or hot, or cute, or desirable.
Keep looking, and don't settle. If a man doesn't give you the wanted level of desire then he's not for you, simple as that. I've met men who drool over me, but I've also met men who couldn't be bothered to look twice. So that really depends on the guy and not all men are the same. You're bound to find the men who desire YOU, but you have to not waste your time on the men who aren't giving you what you want.
Then again, you also need to not let your insecurities tell you things that are not true, or make you imagine things that are not there. If a guy thinks you are cute then take that compliment without immediately thinking "so that means Im not good enough to be sexy". You can be cute AND sexy, but not all guys feel comfortable telling you just how sexy you are. It takes courage on the mans part to call a woman sexy, cute is much easier to say. But just because he doesn't say you are sexy doesn't mean he isn't thinking that you are sexy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Oh I had tears in my eyes reading this. You put into words, my whole entire life. I don't have any advice for you, but I want you to know that I know EXACTLY how you feel. I think that by taking the time to develop a great personality, we have been sort of overlooked. I get the whole 'great personality' thing from guys all the time...and to be honest it starts to suck after a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): I used to have the same problem but in reverse, me being a guy who's not that attractive at first sight but once the girls got to know me they'd love me for my personality.
What I did to try and shift the balance of looks (there's no such thing, but listen anyway) towards me a little was to always try and look my best, iE. always wear good and neat clothing (nothing old or stained), nice shoes, always try to have my hair perfectly combed, sleep well every night so my eyes would not have that purple shadow under the eye. Also, I joined a gym, started working out every day. (Trust me, being a girl doesn't mean you can't hit the iron hard)
It's small things like those that draw attention to your looks. It's not impossible, I did it, women find me very attractive since I did that makeover.
Good luck with you! Remember: Dress well every day no matter where you're going, sleep good every night, join a gym, and be optimistic about how you look.
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