A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I really don't know what to say right now except that my heart is breaking. I'm a very passionate person and much like a Wolf if given the opportunity I will love you forever. After taking a break, which was in her words not supposed to be permanent, my ex finally told me that she think's we're just not compatible. She told me she felt like I wasn't there for her. She said when her dad died she felt like I wasn't there, she actually chastised me for making her smile when she felt like crying. When I did like any decent human being and tried to alleviate her sadness. I was there every day trying to make her feel better. That she didn't share her feelings with me is not my fault. I can't read her mind or make her open up to me. She also said, that she felt like she didn't live up to my standards of being a mother and felt like she was doing stuff concerning her daughter to please me. The fact of the matter is she had her daughter when she was 16 by a guy she didn't even know and it shows and because she feels guilty about treating her badly the first few years of her life she has decided to just let her run wild without proper discipline. So she comes down on me for trying to give her some tips on disciplining her unruly child. I know a thing or two about children as my mother and aunt are teachers and I've volunteered in classrooms and programs with special needs children since I was 10. So for her to just outright brush aside my knowledge concerning children is somewhat insulting. She said I never told her she was beautiful, which is a lie. I may not have said it every single day, but I definitely told her. Well, she admitted to me that she's seeing other people, which I've known for a while just based on her disposition and secretive actions. she even told me, that she couldn't be friends, which hurts me the most cause she's been my best friend for the better part of a year. What hurts most of all is that after telling me all this she didn't even want to TRY and salvage our relationship. As if all the time we spent loving each other was just so easy to throw away. What's more mind boggling is her admittance that I treated her great! This really hurts me. So much so that I question the validity of love and relationships altogether. I mean, What's the point in loving someone when they could just break your heart and turn their back on you so easily?Given all her problems, IE alcoholism, depression, and the fact that she used to be a cutter. How can women succeed in finding good men who treat them well and fuck them over like that? How can you do everything right and still get shafted? I think this relationship will affect me for the rest of my life and will influence how I deal with women from now on.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 She really has had a lot on her plate to deal with. An uncertain childhood makes you more "found" of alcohol, it is by far easier to get used to it, and the experience with alcohol is more enjoyable. This because there is a genetic change due to the insecurities present in the upbringing. Children of those who are alcoholic need to pay extra attention, because their risk of turning alcoholic is just so much higher than another "regular" human. It is true, there has been several studies on this. So the girl is not all at fault for her situation, she most likely was born with an extra challenge. It is harder to resist alcohol for her. That is if she actually did have a childhood filled with uncertainty, and especilly so if her mother was/is an alcoholic.
From what you say though, she has a lot to work with. You can't help her anymore now though. But perhaps that will help you understand some of her behaviour.
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Professional help is a great move for her. Its a huge step in the right direction. She just has so much pain. I hope she finds the help she needs. Be careful that you dont feel that you are a failure. You are human, and we just arent equipt to handle pain on this level. There is some "rescuer" in us all ...but sometimes love just isn't enough. Hugs
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (6 October 2010):
Professional help is a great move for her. Its a huge step in the right direction. She just has so much pain. I hope she finds the help she needs. Be careful that you dont feel that you are a failure. You are human, and we just arent equipt to handle pain on this level. There is some "rescuer" in us all ...but sometimes love just isn't enough. Hugs
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (6 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't know if there was any abuse. I know her sister gave her, her first drink when she was like 10 or 12 maybe. I know she felt as if her father was never there as his job kept him away a lot, helping others so his children never felt they had his full attention or love. I also know that her father had an affair and it rocked her and her family to the core.
I know when she got pregnant at 16 after a concert by some one night stand whose last name she doesn't even know and that her child was born it was hard for her as she's an alcoholic and because she was breast feeding couldn't drink. So she was very irritable an angry as her friends had the freedom she craved while she was trapped. I get the feeling her entire family have similar problems concerning alcohol, drinking is really all they do and her mom near as i can tell has a bad habit of spending all her free time in front of a slot machine.
There's so many problems in her family, miscarriages, her niece attempting suicide at 14, a cousin being raped, alcoholism, etc....its all just so much. And these are just the things I know about...we were together 9 months and she didn't tell me she used to cut herself until 2 weeks after we broke up. She never even told her best friends any of this or even that she was seeking professional help.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (6 October 2010):
You're welcome. Do you know if she had an abusive childhood? That generally contributes to their downward spiral. Its so very hard to stand by and see it happen. So hard to watch them walk away. Be good to yourself and know you tried. But the truth is you could never have been enough to fill all of her empty spots. She will have to do that. Until she does she will not be able to have a healthy relationship. It wasnt you. Be strong. :)
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (6 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You, DenimandLace44, your words have really meant a lot to me. I'm reminded an incident that occurred on her birthday where she got extremely drunk, so much so that she could hardly stand and was still trying to drink. She was cursing at me for denying her anymore alcohol. It was a side of her I had never seen, as usually she was so nice to everyone. She was saying all sorts of hurtful things to me. It was like Doctor Jekyll and Mrs Hyde.
when we got back to her apartment things progressed even more. So much so that I thought she was having a nervous break down. She was running around in the dark with no shoes on like she was being chased and spewing hurtful things about how i hated her daughter and always hated her. When i finally got her inside she fell to her knees and started wailing and crying saying how much she missed her father. I'd never seen anything like that. I'm not going to lie it made me contemplate breaking up with her.
The next day when sober she woke me up from the couch and told me that I didn't deserve what she had put me through.
I've gone through a lot with this girl. A whole lot. Crazy we're not going to be together anymore. She has demons that she keeps hidden. I thought I could help her, I wanted to help her, but like you said she pushed me away and most of all makes me sad.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (6 October 2010):
Sometimes girls like this girl who had a rough time getting thru the teen years, do not know how to accept a better life. They don't feel deserving and they cannot open their hearts up. They are somewhat setting the stage for failure. They won't let down their walls and let anyone in, and if by chance they do...after a bit they get scared and panicky and push you back out. It hurts when they pull you in only to push you back out...but its a defense mechanism with them.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting, and you feel like nice guys finish last...but believe me there are good girls out there that are looking for a guy like you.
Time will help, but you will always have a little pang when you think of her. You won't always have that feeling of not being able to breath, and physically feeling like your heart is breaking. You will smile again, and even laugh. I'm very sorry for your pain. You seem like a good guy, and you are much stronger than you think you are right now. Healing is a process, it doesnt happen overnight. hugs
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 October 2010):
Okay, was just checking. Because the first heartache is often the worst.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (5 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is actually my second real relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 October 2010):
Is this your first real relationship? That would explain some. It always hurts like that. It will pass in time. We have all experienced heart ache, and we got through it. So will you. Just be happy you were not engaged or married to her, and then broke up! Or be happy that you hadn't been together 5 years and then broke up! Or be happy you didn't have a kid with her!
This heartache you experience sounds like the very first one you have, so it will be rough. But heartaches after this one will be easier, unless its the scenarios I mentioned above.
Just avoid her as much as you can. Don't speak to her. A little nod or "hi" is okay, but don't start up conversations.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (5 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh not to mention we have a class together in college 2 days a week so I'm forced to see her on a bi-weekly basis! I've already erased her number from my phone and deleted her, her family members, and friends on facebook so I wouldn't have to see her updates.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (5 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhere does the love go? I just keep reminiscing about all the good times we had together. I moved to a new city a year ago and met her after being here three months. She made this city beautiful for me. She was the best friend I could count on no matter what. A huge comfort considering my family and friends are all on the opposite end of the country.
We shared music and movies. Everything. Even went on a game show together. I just really miss my friend. I keep trying to forget her, but it's like a phantom limb. Even though it's gone you still feel it and its painful.
All I ate yesterday was a bowl of cereal and honestly, I don't feel much like eating today either.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 October 2010):
Relationships aren't just about treating the other right. You also have to be compatible.. and she didn't think you were. Respecting her also includes respecting her decisions, and being at the same wave-length means you understand her reasons for things. You do neither of these. From what you have said, and I know you will not like this, she is right, and you are better not being together.
I can see this from the way you angle it. Right now you are upset and it is natural to aim all the anger at her, but it seems like you have had something against her views and opinions a while. And now she said she doesn't feel this way of living is right for her.
This breakup doesn't mean you should give up on love. It just means that she wasn't the right match for you. You gave a lot, but it wasn't the things she needed. No, you shouldn't have to be a mind reader, but with some people there is a development in the way they communicate that allow them to cross these boundaries, so that you understand each other, and know each other better. Your relationship never developed a clearer way of communicating with each other. You were both sitting on each side of a fence not understanding the other. This isn't a fault with either one of you in particular.
Try and learn the good things from this experience, rather than judging her and labeling her, and giving up on relationships. All women are not like her. In fact most women do not have a child at 16, and so a huge hunk of the problems you had in this relationship will be gone.
Aside from her having a child, her father also died. These are HUGE deals, and very difficult situations for a partner to know what to do! You are not to blame for not being able to give her exactly what she needed at that time, and she is mostly to blame for expecting so much out of you when obviously you don't really know what she needs. If this comes from the two of you not having been together for long at that point, I don't know. Some people prefer to have a shoulder to cry on, others want you to make them laugh. Others again are very reserved and don't like to speak their mind, while others can go on and on and on about the same thing. All scenarios are difficult to deal with when you don't know the person well enough to know what to do, and when that person doesn't know YOU well enough to understand what you are trying to do for them.
At the very last, the relationship has run its course, and there has been too much for her. Yes, this relationship will affect you for the rest of your life. But if you think about it the right way you will learn from the experience, and in return have a better relationship the next time. She will learn as well, and next time she meets a good man, she will possibly treat him better.
Just remember, there are many good women out there too. She is just herself, and everyone is different. Be careful with bringing your negative view of your ex over on a new girl. Be careful with comparing two people, because even though they are both women they can be radically different. You don't want to screw up a new relationship because of a bad experience with an ex. Just because your ex chose not to fight for the relationship, it does not mean that a new girl will just give up on you.
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