A
female
age
,
*epper126
writes:My boyfriend of almost 2 years recently broke up. He has a "female friend" that I have never liked but he continues to talk to her on the phone which is less than what they were doing. Before my boyfriend and I became serious they use to hang out together watching TV and stuff. Now that I went to her boyfriend and asked if he had a problem with it-which he did also-alot of stuff has come to light. They had slept together in the past like I thought but my bf had always denied it and she has lied and he has lied and my heart hurts. Of course "I still love him" and you knew I was gonna say that. But I do and I think we can work through this I'm not sure where to start. I'm always the first to try and work through problems but this time I want to do it more "professional" so I need advice and soon. This all started last Thursday and this is Monday.
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reader, Pepper126 +, writes (4 December 2007):
Pepper126 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I called my bf today and he answered the phone(which was a very good sign)and I just told him that I didn't want to leave things the way they were. I told him that we should try and work through this and if he agreed then we should talk. That was at 8 o'clock tonight and as soon as I got home from work at 10:30 he was calling me. I went to his house and we talked until 12. We are closer than we were to putting things back together. Irish 49 thank you so much for your answer. You are exactly right about her. They had slept together(he says)a couple of times before me and she says that too plus some after he met me but before we became one on one. I wasn't upset about the sleeping together...I was upset cause he has denied it up until now. Again thank you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): have a theory on this problem you have. And please, feel free to let me know if I am right or wrong. Bit it's just a tingly sense I get about your posting. But, first, I'm confused, did they sleep togther before you came along or after? Because how you answer this, may mean he's either a 'cheater' or a classic 'rescuer'. I dated a rescuer one time, and he wouldn't let go of the ex gf. I ended up walking away and telling him...he's welcome to her. He didn't have the balls to get her out of his life and it did hinder our relationship, because she called him all the time. She was needy, always whining about her troubles and could he come and help her. He was constantly doing this and that for her. If that was what he wanted...he could have it.
So I understand, this situation must've been very hard for you, because 'her' presence had always there smack dab in the middle of what you had shared with this guy. And she shouldn't have been. Hun, you were in a 'triangle relationship'. It's when there are 3 people involved, in a personal way. Your bf and this woman had a physical, intimate relationship in the past, but it didn't pan out. And...he choose you over her. I guess, if he chose you, he doesn't have feelings for her..right? So why is she still lurking about? Because I bet my bottom dollar, she's a needy, problematic woman and he's a crutch in which, she can't let go. And if he is a 'rescuer'...he's a man who hates being the 'bad guy' and ending toxic friendships with needy females, without feeling guilt and angst. If you feel this is a good description os him, then he was weak, because he didn't want to say to her, "I love someone else now and this friendship must end'. That's too bad. I am glad you care enough for yourself, not to tolerate this. My suggestion is to sit this guy down and talk. Ask him why he feels the need to keep her in his life, when it plainly is a threat to his relationship with you. You may be surprised to find out, that he indeed, just doesn't know how to get her out of his life. Tell him that if you both get back together...she goes for good. And that he can contact you, when he gets the baggage out of his life and is truely ready to commit to loving just you. The get up and leave. Who knows..he may be calling you in a few days, with the problem (her) resolved. Or you may never hear from him again..it's a risk but all things about love are. It's how you gain respect from others. You let them know what you will and will not tolerate. You set boundaries.. But know one thing, irregardless of what happens...you honored yourself as a woman with integrity and self-respect. It's a win-win situation, no matter the outcome.
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