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anonymous
writes: Call me M.J. I am 35 years old. I am married. Lately, all my wife and I do is fight, especially over money.There is never enough. I want to help, but I don't have my disability yet.Is there any way for us to restore the fire in our lives? If anyone can suggest something cheap but effective, i would be eternally gratefully. To anyone and all, my deepest thanks. signed, very tired.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): This is an easy one. ever heard of "DAve Ramsey"? google him, go to his website. he has a great program. he has a radio show and was on oprah about 2 months ago.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (13 November 2005):
 Hi MJ
This is not at all uncommon as you probably already know. You don't give enough info to give you specific advice but since you did mention disability pay kicking in soon, I can imagine that the lack of income at this time is stressful.
Here is my general advice here since I have been through this and made it HAPPIER to the other side because of it, though since my guy almost died, would have preferred not to had to do all the suffering. But in a way that is the whole point is it not? Partnership, trust, intimacy, love .... you don't really know if you have it for sure until tested. But is sure does suck during the exam.
So try to keep a longer term view here and attempt to take care of yourselves physically and mentally. This does not have to cost you even one cent. Rent out books on meditation from the view point of your religion or culture (if you have none per say, get one! These are the times they come in handy!) The purpose is to learn to calm your mind and focus on that which you have control over while letting the rest go for God, fate or even others to handle. This would help ease the stress and will enable you to have more real energy for your love life.
Speaking of which, research Taoist or Tantric sexuality. The idea is where both partners learn to connect on a deeper level. Theoretically, the goal is to experience your love as a connection to God and in so doing the man has the orgasmic opportunity to eventually actually experience what the woman feel (multiple orgasm and spiritual connection most men never take the time to explore), and the woman can theoretically experience the mans feeling including the explosive physical ejaculation and the urge to sleep after while you will want to cuddle or talk.
The idea is that you can use the computer and library (free) and at the same time learn to love more deeply.
As for the financial situation, do track for one week exactly how much you spend and on what. You might be surprised how much you both waste. Cut all non essentials. And work on a budget that you both can live with.
If one tends to view extra money as future security and the other sees it as too little to matter so you might as well put it to good use and purchase a good memory, honor that both are correct in a way. There are no right and wrong answers except to not try to find a way that honors the needs of both of you.
Go to your wife and seriously open up to her about what you are thinking. If you are feeling insecure about not contributing, tell her. With women there is usually two important concepts that men find hard to believe are what would make their woman happy (and therefore you happy.). Women want to feel desired and listened to. Instead of defending yourself the next time tempers flare, remind yourself of this and ask her to repeat her point again because you really want to know and you really care about what her experience is. No matter what she says or how she says it, remain calm and breath deeply while really hearing her point.
Perhaps you can talk to her before the next fight and tell her that you really don't want to do be angry anymore and want to be on her side- the two of you as partners. Maybe agree that as frustrations begin to flare, state that you will vent for just a minute and to not necessarily take the speaker literally. Then when the steam is out, go over the content of the vent and look for what the real issue is, as if you were detectives. Both of you probably have legitimate gripes the other has not acknowledged or even really understood. If you both can try to agree that while you might have said it all before, both of you have a really good reason to be mad on say, 4 core points. Over the next few weeks, determine to find them. This will take you from a tit for tat and make you partners again.
Heck just start with the fact that you can only change you, look at not spending as an adventure and make her feel like she is the sexiest most amazing woman alive and everything will slowly begin to change.
If it sounds impossible, it really is not. If you knew the hell the past ten years were for me and the embarrassing fights that were frequent and usually because of money, and if you saw that when we tried the above, the total turnaround in every way, you would become very excited to try this. We went from hateful and staying together if only to make the other miserable and sex maybe three times a year to the deepest love I never imagined and sex almost daily (and hotter than I ever knew possible!!)
So buck up and work like a doctor. Diagnose the real problems and treat the root cause. Every person comes into love relationships needing to figure out a way to work out the inevitable problems. Those who do are very rewarded.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 November 2005):
 Money and kids are the two main reason couple argue. Sit down together and work on a budget that you both can live within. Remind each other that you are in this together. Set aside time each day to talk to each other and make plans and dreams for the future. Tell each other you love them. Stay within your budget so you can try to focus on your loving relationship.
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