A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have had two sexual partners in my life. I slept my with my ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend. My ex boyfriend caused me to have horribly low self esteem because he always told me how horrible and cold I was in bed. He called me sexually frigid all the time, and he would always put me down, after a while, he stopped being intimate with me, and then we broke up. I recently started having sex with my new boyfriend. I told him about all the things my ex used to say. He told me that my ex was crazy cuz I was hot as fire. I dont understand, i didnt do anything differently with with him than i did with my ex. How can two men feel completely differently? I still cant help but believe my ex and Iam so insecure. It is started to affect my new relationship. My boyfriend insists over and over again that I fully satisfy him, but I cant believe him because of my extreme insecurity. What do I do? Iam i really sexually frigid? Which guy was right? How will I ever know?
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broke up, frigid, insecure, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Your first boyfriend was a jerk who didn't care about you, therefore it was bad with him, but he should have blamed himself because it was his own fault for being a cold hearted jerk, not yours.
Your present boyfriend is a caring guy who probably loves you a lot, therefore you have good sex. So when he says you're hot, he is telling you the truth.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Your first boyfriend was just a jerk. He was an emotional abuser and he was trying to hurt you. The truth is that even bad sex is good. You must believe your new boyfriend.
My first boyfriend was a total jerk too. He used to point out my physical flaws and one time he said I was ugly. This caused so much insecurity in me. My second bf was just like yours. He told me he thought I was beautiful. It was very confusing. It wasn't until I got to college that I started getting alot of guys that I realised I was pretty. But for most of high school I had such a low self esteem.
I know how hard it is to erase the words of an emotional abuser. It is hard because they say horrible things and at the same time they are people we trust and "love." But you have to believe your bf. Because the emotional abuser says things not because they are true but because they have such a low self esteem that they want to hurt you so that you can feel as shitty as them. So try to remember that. What he said is not the truth. It was only meant to hurt you. I know its sick. But that is what they do. So don't take it personally any longer. And please don't let it affect this relationship. Your new bf is wonderful and he is telling you the truth. So believe him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): People connect with different people in different ways. Surely it's worked the same way for you, whereby you haven't felt the other person really does anything for you, whereas someone else does?
It isn't about you being frigid, or being hot. It's about being with the right person that makes you feel hot, and the other person feels you are hot too. What is not to one person, isn't to another. It's because we are all so different and connect with people in different ways.
Why don't you believe your boyfriend? Just because one other person said a few things to dyou? You are going to ruin a great thing if you let it. Insecurity is a massive passion killer - it'll be a shame if your ex ruins this new relationship for you. Don't you think?
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Honestly I think its a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Who is your ex to tell you, that you are sexually frigid? Is he the God of sex?
Its probably not got anything to do with you, its probably all HIM! The fact that there are probably things you wouldnt do in bed is not a case of being frigid, its a case of you being comfortable with the person and you just have to be comfortable with what you are doing. If you are not, a person can tell straight away by how uncomfortable you are doing the act.
I have limits, the same as you will. The fact that your ex possibly wanted to do things that you didnt want to, or that you werent comfortable doing, does NOT make you frigid. If that is the case, then we should start a club, because I would be in the very same boat as you!!! My boyfriend knows what I will and wont do, and he is happy with that. We work with what we are both comfortable with.
Your current boyfriend is probably more intunned into how you feel and probably more mature in any case. So dont go on what an ex says, go by what the man you are with now says. If he says you are hot, be flattered and carry on doing what you are doing!! He's obviously satisfied!!
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